Agreed to Divorce but so sad & low

[AloneAgain2023]

Recently agreed to a Divorce, things haven’t been right for a long time. And yet I now feel more low and sad than I did before. Mainly driven by husband, he wants this more than me even though I agree we couldn’t continue and I admit I haven’t been happy for a while.
I’m endlessly crying, I feel this almost suffocating panic and anxiety, and I’d do anything to turn the clock back to 18 years ago when we first met! My age category probably isn’t helping - mid fifties and beginning the menopause!
But it’s like grief and loss and bereavement, all the things people say it is. I think I have an abnormal reaction to rejection, it feels just like severe panic. Anyone else going through similar??

I’m so sorry you dealing with this. I’ve not been in quite the same position but even though my DCs father was highly abusive it took a while to realise I was going to not just be ok, but better than I was when we were together after he left. As I said not the same but never the less not easy for you right now so thinking of you and completely understand the sense of grief you feel.

Thank you Mothersday. It’s very strange in that I’ve felt unhappy for quite a long while, realising the issues we have, but as soon as the decision was made, it’s like a cruel trick of Mother Nature as all I can generally think about are the good things and the good times! And the crying at inappropriate times - the slightest thing will cause me to feel utterly overwhelmed.

It is a bereavement.Your life as it was is over and you're facing a big change. Everything you're feeling is a normal reaction. The sense of loss is overwhelming and very upsetting.

You'll start to slowly feel better and the tears won't flow as often. You can have a good life post separation. Give it time and be gentle with yourself

Yes, I've been there.

I was paralysed by anxiety and couldn't feel my own limbs at points. (I was gaslit and left for someone else).

What got me through were some very good, very close friends, one in particular. And I went on meds at one point.

It does get better and easier but in the moment, it's very hard for us to believe that.

Do you have people who can be around for you? I also couldn't sleep and took meds for that for a while.

So sorry you are feeling sad.The rejection and thought of massive changes in your life is responsible for your current frame of mind.

Is your marriage not salvageable with some counselling? Grass always looks greener and all that but is it really if with a different perspective compromises might be a way forward?

All the best OP.

It is a horrible feeling but completely natural. I went through the same. The thoughts of life going forward, especially at an older age is very frightening . I too wished I had never met him just for it to end up like thus. Take any support you can , look after yourself and legally make sure you get what you are entitled to.

I think it's completely normal to feel this way. It's a huge deal particularly after a long marriage. You're bound to have all sorts of thoughts racing through your mind even if you know on some level that it's the right choice.
. Get support to talk it all out, either with friends or a counsellor. You honestly won't feel this way forever but for now you need to treat yourself gently as you come to terms with it all. Which you will.

This, yes. It is absolutely grief. When my husband left I could not breathe. I had to call my mother and ask her to get me because I forgot how to drive and I had my children with me. I just could not focus or stop crying. It gets so much better. Change is hard. Just feel the feelings and time will work it’s magic.

I'm out the other side.

Horrendous when it happens.

But you WILL come out of it.

Time to find your inner strength. Which you will.

Meanwhile, lean on family, friends who are there for you, therapy online (loads of sources).

Find your inner warrior.

I'm in the middle of this too. It's been 6 weeks since he left and revelations keep coming that make me wonder did I ever really know him?? I found this book helped especially the relationship inventory. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0738213284?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Also I told all my friends very quickly and they rallied. I have had so much support. I was signed off work so I could cry when ever I needed. I have treated it as the death of the man I thought I was married to. You go through the stages of grief definitely but you also have to cope with that person still being in your life to a certain extent. I'm also dealing with the grief of my children as they won't talk about it to their dad.

I'm also having counselling. Highly recommend doing that

Yes, another here going through similar and the divorce is pending. Mine was a 24 year relationship in total, married for 18 years and although I would have tried to make it work, he didn't want too.
No other people involved (not that I'm aware of!) And no major problems, no abuse or anything like that.
We're very amicable but it does catch me at times and I wonder if we could have done things differently several years ago before the rot set in. My life going forward if completely different to the one I had planned for so many years.

You'll have your good days and bad days but it does get easier. I'm starting to look forward to my new life, as it were. I have found out I am a much calmer and relaxed person on my own and enjoying not having to compromise on little things like decorating, what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV.
I am mid 40s and he was all I ever knew but I'm starting to get little pangs of excitement, wondering what life will have in store for me now going forward. Hang in there, you'll be ok 😊

Thank you SO much ladies, all of you for replying, it does help hearing other stories. I’m one of those people who’ve never had a large circle of friends, and I often feel self conscious about banging on too much about my problems, I realise everyone has their own lives & troubles. Luckily I have been in a position to buy a flat outright (inheritance & my share of equity from the marital home), I know I’m very fortunate there. But I am a low earner and worry about making ends meet going forward, which is adding to the feelings at the moment. And although things are pretty amicable here, it’s incredibly difficult seeing hubby every day, as he’s emotionally a bit ahead of me and very much looking ahead. I need to try and survive the next couple of months until I move out, I realise it’ll begin to be a bit easier emotionally when I do.

I am sorry you are going through this, it is absolutely grief and it is awful, and it takes time.

Can you join some groups and make new friends? Maybe look at the MeetUp app groups and Facebook l to see what is in your area? MeetUp groups especially may also have other people in a similar life phase of starting again due to divorce, moving etc

Hi @AloneAgain2023. Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad and low. I know exactly how you feel. It is like grief. I am in a similar position, although DH left me quite abruptly. I've had panic attacks, cry all the time, have awful nightmares about our past, our lost future.

I would have been prepared to work on the marriage, but he wouldn't.

I have a thread in relationships too, and have had some great advice. I'm finding that no contact for now, is what is helping me. And reaching out to friends.

Also, accepting that it is sad, that it is hard, that they are normal feelings, and allowing yourself to feel them, helps.

I'm holding onto all the positive stories, that there is life out there after divorce. But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So, give yourself time to grieve. Take one day at a time. That's what I am doing. And walking my dog listening to motivational podcasts!

I’m so sorry Tootired, to be left abruptly like that must be so much worse! I do agree about the no contact thing, I think it does make things a bit easier. Unfortunately we are still living in the marital home together for now and despite the fact it’s amicable enough, and he is being kind & considerate, he’s ahead of me in terms of moving on, so it’s really hard to see everyday and rather lonely.
I’m finding mornings are the worst, most mornings I wake up gripped by this panicky, paralysing feeling that I can’t cope that this is really happening. It’s a bit of a cliche, but it’s like the proverbial nightmare you can’t wake up from!
Even knowing that everything I’m feeling is totally normal, and knowing that it will pass at some point down the line, doesn’t always help.
It definitely does help reading the experiences of others on here, so I’ll carry doing that.
If only we could fast forward about 10-12 months!

@AloneAgain2023 I said exactly the same thing on my thread, if only I had a time machine and could move forward 12 months!

I know the panicky feeling. I wake up with it every day. And some days I'm 'okay'. Then sometimes, like yesterday, I become so overwhelmed with sadness, that I just need to run and hide, and cry.

It's a hard road to tread, and I only hope it's worth it. I don't think being a mutual decision makes it any easier. We may have made a mutual decision to separate, but that was taken out of my hands. Now, we are completely no contact. He's burying his head in the sand, as we can't afford two homes, so he will need to face that eventually. I'm not moving from the marital home until my youngest has reached 18, which is 2 years away.

Do you have any children?

I too am mid fifties, and menopausal. It sometimes feels that that's it over, in terms of relationships for me. But who knows what the future holds?!

Keep strong, and PM me if you want.

I know how you feel OP but slightly different. DP and I split after 23 years, just turned 50 (he is 4 years younger) as he had an EA 3 years ago and i dont think i fully forgave him, he was also a lazy slob who did no housework, was shit with money and left me up to my eye balls in debt. Things were rocky and he moved out in January as i had checked out and didnt want to be with him at that point, i thought he would fight for us and try to save us but it didnt happen.

And he pretty much left me to it, i was ok for 2 months as the peace was amazing but went down hill when i found out in March he had moved in with his EA partner from 3 years ago.

Now my feelings are up and down, i feel grief, loss and hurt, i cry all the time, but i know deep down its for the best as i know it wont work and i will never forgive him for moving on with her.

i still love him but i need to let him go, my life will be so much better with out him but i hate the crying. Things are getting nasty now between us. He way of coping is total no contact, hard when we have a 10 year old, he has pretty much ignored her too.

I too wish i had a time machine as i know in 12 months i will be happy and free from the crippling esteem issues he bestowed on me.

Oh God @WednesdaysMentor that all sounds really tough. I’m so sorry that you ended up going backwards emotionally. I can remember a relationship I had many years ago, when it ended I was reasonably okay, but then several months later I heard on the grapevine that he had got engaged, and I was absolutely devastated, totally plummeted!

Like you, I somehow know that separating is the right thing, that he’s no longer the right person for me etc etc etc, and yet the sense of loss & grief is crippling. I don’t THINK there is anyone else at the moment for him, given that he works from home and has never been someone who regularly goes out with friends, so more often than not he’s here. But I’m not that naive to think it’s impossible - there could be someone waiting in the wings of course. He’s adamant there’s no one else and that it’s not about that, more about not wanting to be in THIS marriage anymore. In the famous words of Mandy Rice-Davies though “well he would wouldn’t he”!!😆

Luckily there’s no children for us, so one less complication. Like many people I come from a broken home, and I think I always had a real need to have my own little family unit. I’m sure that’s partly why rejection is so impossible to deal with, I enjoyed being married and having that partnership, my own little team of two. Unfortunately in the end, he didn’t.

I wish all of us a speedy recovery if possible, and thank goodness for having these forums to compare notes! 💐

@Tootiredtosleep Isn’t that morning feeling terrible! I had it this morning, within about 5/6 minutes of being awake the tears started. Fortunately there are no children for us, one less thing to deal with. And I’m so sorry for you about the house situation, I really hope you can sort that out without things turning tricky.

And exactly like you say, some days or part days, I feel not too bad, and then wham, back to obsessing & agonising. I think one of the worst aspects can be questioning everything over all the years you were together - did he really love me much beyond the first couple of years, was I a rebound person, when did he stop wanting to be married to me, was it longer than he admits to. Christ you end up tying yourself in knots, even when you know that those thoughts are pointless and destructive.

And talking of destructive, I don’t know if anyone else is doing this, but I keep having these overwhelming needs to ask him things about the relationship and the past. Sometimes I give in and ask, sometimes I stop myself. The trouble is of course, they’re rarely able to say much that makes you feel better! So again, pointless & destructive!

How you feeling @AloneAgain2023? I'm so up and down, I would say I'm taking things minute by minute, as opposed to hour by hour, or day by day!

I have the overwhelming need to ask him things too. But I would need to text or call to do that, and I'm not going to do that. You won't hear what you want to hear. Trying to work on myself and not worry or thing about what he's doing. Easier said than done, but it is getting a bit easier.

I also have all the thoughts - going back years and years. I'm trying to frame it that it was what it was at the time, but it's changed now. It's hard, I know.

You will get through it. We will 😘

Hello @Tootiredtosleep I’m sorry you’re so up & down, I completely empathise! My weekend was mixed in terms of mood - not great on Saturday during the day, then Sunday & today not too bad. Then quite sad again tonight. We both had communication re our divorce today (we’re doing it ourselves), the email was confirming acceptance of the application, and asking each of us to confirm receipt of said email to then take it to the next stage. So a little blue tonight.
You’re right of course about not hearing what you want to hear, and even though I know that will be the case, I’m still occasionally tempted to ask!🙄
As we’re still living together, there are times when it’s momentarily easy to forget what’s happening - times when we’re watching something together, eating together, or having a laugh about something.
Do you find it slightly easier not being in the same house? I think it’ll be a little easier when I’m able to move into my flat, that’s still a couple of months away yet though. Plus I’m still a bit stressed & anxious about managing financially - I have a cleaning business & what I’m earning currently isn’t going to be enough so I quickly need to increase my client numbers by the time I move in! Worry on top of sadness doesn’t equal happy times!
But you’re right about getting through the emotional times - yes we will!!❤

Hey @AloneAgain2023 I'm right here with you too. Separating, a small child, and it's just been brutal. He's gone away again to stay with his family whilst I hold the fort as I always do. It's so damn hard though. Sometimes I wonder if it's easier or harder having a child together because my son FORCES me to keep going and I think I'd crumble otherwise. Im not sure how im getting one foot infront of the other at the moment to be honest. We can do this though! I have been through hell before to emerge on the other side and this will be the same I know it will. It's just hard when you're in it.

PM me any time x

OP I would highly recommend you get some legal advice- if you are the lower earner you could get higher % of house equity and also look at pension sharing - yes it could be more expensive now but could save you £££ now. There is a divorce board on here which had lots of useful links

@AloneAgain2023 how are you doing today? these feelings are so weird i cant work out what is going on. Yesterday was a real low point, crying when i woke up, cried a lot during the day (working from home), picked DD up from school and took her to a hobby that she was trying for the first time and had wanted to do for years but exDP kept putting it off.

She loved it and i signed her up for it, cant really afford the joining fee but she is worth it! Had a gossip with a friend there and came home and i felt so happy, manic even, just very calm and happy, infact i still feel abit like that this morning, about 80 percent of it. I cant work it out, in the day i was inconsolable and in the evening so happy. I am hoping i am now through the worst of it.

I have been seeing someone, i have known him for over 30 years and we are taking it very very slow, i have been unloading onto him quite a bit which i feel bad for as i dont think he signed up for it, but its looking good, he is such a nice sweet man and puts me first which i am not used to.

I dont want to rush things and will be taking my time and it baffles me how Exdp moved in with EA partner after only 8 weeks, how can she let him move in when he doesnt really know her kids either, she must be desperate. But its not my concern, my focus is making sure DD is ok and thriving.

I hope you are feeling better too, its such a rollercoaster and i am so looking forward to stepping off it.

OP,

This sounds so hard for all that are posting.

Regarding finances would you look into a mon-friday lodger if you had room?

The combination of money but still privacy to look forward to at the weekend was a life saver for a woman I know.

It just might take some financial pressure off you.

I would definitely post on here for lodger rules and advice though, to avoid as many pitfalls that can arise by not being crystal clear on boundaries.