Agreed to Divorce but so sad & low

[AloneAgain2023]

Recently agreed to a Divorce, things haven’t been right for a long time. And yet I now feel more low and sad than I did before. Mainly driven by husband, he wants this more than me even though I agree we couldn’t continue and I admit I haven’t been happy for a while.
I’m endlessly crying, I feel this almost suffocating panic and anxiety, and I’d do anything to turn the clock back to 18 years ago when we first met! My age category probably isn’t helping - mid fifties and beginning the menopause!
But it’s like grief and loss and bereavement, all the things people say it is. I think I have an abnormal reaction to rejection, it feels just like severe panic. Anyone else going through similar??

OP I really feel for you. You've had lots of good advice but I too think you should get independent legal advice re the financial arrangements.
Can you change to domestic set up so that you eat and watch TV without him. It's cruel on you to keep these routines going. Use the fact that he's still there to come home to , to begin to find other things to do with your evenings. I know you're worried about finances but groups like WI or local gardening groups etc can be cheap and a real lifeline.
Wishing you all the best

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted and things have been not too bad, but there has just been a blip in the journey - I discovered purely by accident that there is indeed someone else. He unwittingly shared something on his online calendar for a couple of days that he had said he was away with work! So he was backed into a corner and couldn’t wriggle out of it!

He claims it’s someone he met online, has spoken to them a couple of times, and this was the first time they were meeting! Naturally I don’t believe that - part of the evening was a gig, I wouldn’t have thought gigs and first dates go together?! To be honest, although I know everyone is different, I had always said that personally I would rather know if there’s someone else, to me that’s preferable to him lying and going behind my back while we’re still under the same roof. So I was ‘glad’ to know the truth, I don’t need or want details though.

But to be honest, the thing I’m feeling increasingly angry about is, couldn’t he at least have waited until I’d moved out?! He knows I’ll be going in a few weeks, to me it would have been a bit more considerate to start dating again only when I’ve gone? Does that sound unreasonable? I’ve never had any doubt that he’d move on and date pretty quickly, most men do sadly, but the thought that he couldn’t wait even for a few weeks is a wee bit hurtful.

And now I find that I’m fixating on the fact that, unfortunately, he has been someone who lies quickly & easily. Sadly I can look back on many occasions where I felt he may well have lied, it’s more than possible he’s cheated over the years too. And so that leads down the path to - ‘I’ve wasted 18 years with someone I shouldn’t / didn’t trust’.

I’m more desperate than ever to get moved out now - property purchase still ongoing 😒. I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel in a few weeks time, but I feel the dynamic has shifted now and I feel angry & frustrated, and yet need to keep my feelings in check a bit as we have to live together for these remaining weeks.

Anyone else struggling to live, albeit temporarily, with a separated husband? Sorry for the long drone!

I feel exactly the same. Please tell me it gets a bit better.

I was you, three years ago. Realising that 23 years of marriage meant nothing to him. I felt worthless, rejected, deeply unattractive and was also enduring a horrible menopause while he was reinventing himself as a young single man! Fast forward and I am so happy. Not defined by any relationship but just living a good life on my terms. You won't believe it now but you will be alright. You are worth so much more! Take care and stay strong xx

You say he’s ahead of you in moving on, OP, but that’s natural. He chose to end the marriage, he’s doing what he wants, why wouldn’t he be fine? It’s you who have had the floor ripped out from under you. Don’t feel as if there’s anything weak or slow about your reaction to this massive loss and betrayal.

Having to live and be ‘amicable’ with the man who has dumped you must be agonising. He sounds like a cruel person, as well as a liar and a cheat.

Do please follow PPs’ advice and get a lawyer to ensure you keep all you are entitled to.

Ask on Mumsnet if you don’t believe how often men try to rob their wives in ‘amicable’ DIY divorces!

@je7be I’m sorry if you’re going through the same or similar. The answer to your question is yes and no.

I’m actually still here in the former marital home (now husbands home, he’s bought me out), STILL waiting for the conveyancing to complete!😠 There have been a few ups & downs, some rows, some rubbing along just fine. There has been another discovery, a piece of jewellery he bought a couple of months ago. When I googled this piece of jewellery, it turned out to be a heart necklace with packaging that had a very sentimental message on the front! Definitely not the kind of thing you buy someone you’re seeing on a casual basis!! So another blow, more lies & deceit. That all happened in the past week or so and it really plunged me back down again.

@FloralDancer it’s always good hearing from people further down the line, and I’m happy you’re out the other side. I know I’ll get there in time. I can totally relate to your feelings of worthlessness and not feeling ‘enough’ in any way, and I too am in Menopause! I genuinely can’t see myself going down that relationship road again, I’d never say never, but the thought of going through so many years for it to still go wrong is just not appealing. I’ve recently come across a thread from women who are genuinely and authentically happier being single, I think I can relate!

@Ofcourseshecan yes, he has had it all generally his own way throughout, although I’m sure he would prefer me to not still be here! Tough! 😄 It has been incredibly hard at times, he is a bit of a Jekyll & Hyde character, warm and considerate one day, cold and detached the next. Cruel? I think there have been times down the years where he has been quite cruel. But sadly he is definitely a liar and a cheat. And yes I have felt the need to keep the anger in at times as I have to still live here, although equally I have started plenty of conversations / arguments when I haven’t been able to keep it in!
The divorce process has been started, and the finances we have agreed on, although it’ll be a couple more months for all that to complete.

I hadn’t looked on this thread for a while, so it’s been a nice surprise to see some activity! Thank you all for posting today. @je7be I hope you are okay, feel free to post more if you feel like it. I’ve found Mumsnet so incredibly useful. I have also been joining in on another thread in ‘Divorce/separation’ called Struggling with Separation which has been great too - it’s awful how many of us go through very similar situations.

thank you and it really does help hearing from other people in similar situations. I just cant imagine being truly happy again at the minute or coping with all this grief and pain - and the sick feeling of them with a new partner. I have very young children too so have to co-parent very closely which is making it impossible! I still cant quite believe this is my life now.

@je7be How are you tonight? I can’t relate to the children issue as I don’t have any children, but I can certainly relate to the pain, and the tormenting thoughts about there being someone else.

Although it sounds unlikely at the moment (and it’s what everyone inevitably will say), but you really WILL come out the other side. The road will almost certainly be rough, and will include ups & downs, steps forward and steps back, but you will wake up one morning down the line feeling slightly less anxious and unhappy. The black feelings will turn grey, and then the grey feelings will fade.

Keep talking to people, in real life and on here. It’s essential to let it out. At the very least keep a journal or write things down, keep notes on how you feel and points to remember - good and bad.

💐

I understand what you are going through OP and sympathise with you.

It took me a good while to come to terms with my separation and I was worried for quite a long time about being lonely even though I am on very good terms with my ex and have great kids.

What got me going again was a better job and just getting out there and doing stuff - gigs, sports, comedians, theatre, exhibitions - whatever took my fancy

I'm not even looking for a new relationship - if it happens it happens.

Try not to fret too much and do the things you love - I wish you all the best.