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Original poster

Dh not wanting to contact his terminally ill relative

26 replies

DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2023 12:44

Dh was really close to his uncle until he was about 40. Was saw him regularly a few times a year. His uncle told him at a few parties that dh drank too much ( his sons free bar wedding dh got as pissed as a fart). So for the last eight years he hasn't spoken to his uncle. Now his young cousin in their 20's has been diagnosed with late stage cancer. I asked dh if he would try to make contact and make up. However dh said he can't find the words and has been saying that for a month now. If I talk to him, he's getting round to it.

I don't want the next time I see his uncle to be at the funeral so do you think really he just doesn't want to make contact? I have asked dh this a few times and he insists he does, he's getting round to it. The cancer has spread to major organs and bones and I have pointed out dh is running out of time. I'm debating going to see them without him. What I really don't want to do is rock up at the funeral after dh being nc for years with dh supporting dh with a loss I no longer can belive he cares about.
I have contacted the aunt and cousin myself and we are in contact.

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 12/04/2023 12:46

Its up to your DH though is it? He maybe doesnt want to remember his cousin like that but whatever the reason I think its his decision to make really.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/04/2023 12:47

You can't control someone else's actions, only your own.

You've given your DH your opinion on the matter. it's his decision what he does.

You mention your DH's drinking and I wonder if there's some co-dependency going on? As you seem to feel somehow responsible for "making" your DH do what you think he should want?

SaltedButty · 12/04/2023 12:47

Do you think he may be frightened about seeing him so ill? Maybe broach this

Hbh17 · 12/04/2023 12:55

This is your husband's choice, so best to say nothing at all, surely?

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2023 13:00

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/04/2023 12:47

You can't control someone else's actions, only your own.

You've given your DH your opinion on the matter. it's his decision what he does.

You mention your DH's drinking and I wonder if there's some co-dependency going on? As you seem to feel somehow responsible for "making" your DH do what you think he should want?

No he only drinks rarely. At the wedding it was free so I think he drank far more than he normally would. The things is I want to see his cousin. It just might feel weird without him. But it would feel more weird going with him to support him at the funeral. I don't want to do that. It feels fake. I'd rather see them now. If he doesn't see them but needs support at the death I don't want do that. It would feel fake. The cousin is important to me in its own right, not out of family duty. I love them very much. I haven't seem them because I was respecting dh choices but I'm kicking myself now. I did tell dh last year the next time he might see the uncle was in his coffin, now here we are.
Dh is like this with his dad. He seems him once a year when his dad takes him abroad. Dhs dad hasn't seen my 9 year since since he turned 2. It's this impression that there all the time in the world to make time. Great until someone dies and the time has already gone. I ask dh if he will arranged to see his dad, it never happens.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2023 13:28

This is your husband’s choice ultimately.

Why are you so invested in his side of the family, this is more about you really.

It may well be that your husband will not attend any funeral either.

CuriouslyDifferent · 12/04/2023 13:41

It’s DH’s choice.

he has options. He has your support.

you have to leave it to him to decide.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 12/04/2023 13:43

You need to step back and let your DH deal with it. It’s his family and his feelings. Don’t push him into something he isn’t ready for

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 12/04/2023 14:01

Not your circus, not your Monkeys. It's his responsibility to manage his family relationships, not yours, so leave him to it.

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2023 17:31

I wish he could just be honest as I suspect he doesn't care or its not high on the radar. He could stop the pretense he is going to resume contact and I could crack on with the relationship. It's totally fine if he doesn't care about them. I wouldn't be over the moon but I'd respect it. But I Want mine and my kids relationship to go back to normal with the uncle. Covid meant no contact but thats long gone as an excuse. I'm indifferent to hid dad's relationship. I don't have any history with him. I don't honestly care if never see his dad.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 12/04/2023 17:50

That’s absolutely okay and he’s right to protect his boundaries. I am NC with my mum. She has had cancer in the past and is now in remission. If I heard she was terminally ill now, no I wouldn’t be in touch, unless there had clearly been major changes in her life and belief systems. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and that sounds like exactly what your Dh is doing, don’t interfere or disrespect his boundaries.

mindutopia · 12/04/2023 17:55

That said, I would very likely consider divorcing my Dh if he did what you are suggesting and resume a relationship with someone I don’t feel comfortable having in my life. You can surround your children with so much ‘family’ without having biological family and their baggage in their lives. Your Dh has to come first above your wishes for the dc to have those relationships with people he doesn’t see fit to have in their lives. You’re a family and you need to support him above anyone. Your children won’t care or wish out.

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2023 18:20

But he has never said he wants to be NC. If he said I'm going no contact then it wpuld be pretty simple. Very easy to grasp and respect his wishes. His cousin has done nothing what so ever to offend him. If he said he was divorcing me over that I'd run a mile from him. Going NC is fine, but you need to own it. You also don't go nc with the persons offspring. My sister is nc with mum but she not nc with me by default of birth.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/04/2023 18:23

This would put me off my husband if he was like this, to be honest. He sounds petty.

MrsBunnyEars · 12/04/2023 18:26

If it was just your H going to see him I’d suggest you keep out of it.

Bit you’re entitled to your own relationship with him. So I might try saying ‘I’m going to call cousin on Wednesday to arrange a time to meet, let me know if you want to join’. And go yourself if he’s still procrastinating.

saraclara · 12/04/2023 18:30

MrsBunnyEars · 12/04/2023 18:26

If it was just your H going to see him I’d suggest you keep out of it.

Bit you’re entitled to your own relationship with him. So I might try saying ‘I’m going to call cousin on Wednesday to arrange a time to meet, let me know if you want to join’. And go yourself if he’s still procrastinating.

That. You are entitled to continue the relationship you had with the cousin, who has done nothing wrong at all. And if you want to support them you can.

Obviously it would be different if there was bad blood between cousin and DH, or cousin was abusive or criminal. But this seems to be just about apathy on your DH's part.

Frogger8395 · 12/04/2023 18:40

I’ve been on the other side of this and frankly i think what you’re doing is ghoulish. You haven’t seen him in 8 years and now you say you love him and want to see him. Why? Has he specifically asked you to visit? Because if not you’re being really weird.

People who are terminally sick are generally not interested in getting visits from random estranged relatives. The family in general are going through hell and probably won’t appreciate the awkwardness of estranged relatives appearing at his bedside.

Have some respect. Send them a card or something and leave them alone.

Frogger8395 · 12/04/2023 18:41

Going NC is fine, but you need to own it. You also don't go nc with the persons offspring.

But that’s exactly what you did, to respect your husbands wishes.

AgrathaChristie · 12/04/2023 19:01

I think if you want to visit the relative who is ill, you should. Arrange it with the relatives you’re in contact with.
If your DH doesn’t want to visit that’s his choice. It’s probably not because he doesn’t care, he’s more likely to be scared, not know what to say. But it’s his choice and you have yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2023 19:58

I think you have to let DH run this one. Both for himself and your family.

Tell him you respect his right to make his own decisions and that you will not raise the issue of him seeing Uncle. Tell him you'd like to see him with the children but will defer to his wishes.

I've been in your position with my DH's brother. DH would have felt it a betrayal if I'd insisted on 'maintaining a relationship' with his bro & family. It's a hard position to be in.

Skankhunt84 · 12/04/2023 20:22

You haven't seen the cousin or uncle in 8 years?

No, I don't think you should now try to see them, just because the cousin is dying. You don't know them anymore. A lot changes in 8 years, and if you've made no contact in all this time I think it would hypocritical to rock up now for a visit.

And I think you should stay out of it.

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 15/04/2023 09:49

Skankhunt84 · 12/04/2023 20:22

You haven't seen the cousin or uncle in 8 years?

No, I don't think you should now try to see them, just because the cousin is dying. You don't know them anymore. A lot changes in 8 years, and if you've made no contact in all this time I think it would hypocritical to rock up now for a visit.

And I think you should stay out of it.

I think your right. It's been just under 8 years. I have been talking to cousin and Aunt but not actually seen them in all this time. I have known them for almost 40 years but a quarter of that hasn't been in contact. Dh has said he has contacted the uncle but no reply so either he's lying or his uncle hasn't taken up his offer. Either way it looks like it's over. We can't go if cousin is very sick now ( she tell me she is doing ok) neither can we resume a relation years down the line. I should have kept in contact on my own. Too late now and lesson learned

OP posts:
Appleabananasandpears · 15/04/2023 13:22

DyslexicPoster · 15/04/2023 09:49

I think your right. It's been just under 8 years. I have been talking to cousin and Aunt but not actually seen them in all this time. I have known them for almost 40 years but a quarter of that hasn't been in contact. Dh has said he has contacted the uncle but no reply so either he's lying or his uncle hasn't taken up his offer. Either way it looks like it's over. We can't go if cousin is very sick now ( she tell me she is doing ok) neither can we resume a relation years down the line. I should have kept in contact on my own. Too late now and lesson learned

Show quote history

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with visiting the cousin and uncle if you’ve already been in touch with them. It sounds like you’ve gone some way to building a relationship with them even if your DH hasn’t. Obviously you’d broach the subject of a visit carefully and not impose yourself on them, but if they’re ok with it I don’t see the problem.

Based on what you’ve said, I’d be really disappointed with DH’s position. And no way would I be keeping away just because my DH is. At the end of the day your conscience belongs to you, and that goes above any sense of “betrayal” DH might feel in my opinion.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/04/2023 13:24

DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2023 12:44

Dh was really close to his uncle until he was about 40. Was saw him regularly a few times a year. His uncle told him at a few parties that dh drank too much ( his sons free bar wedding dh got as pissed as a fart). So for the last eight years he hasn't spoken to his uncle. Now his young cousin in their 20's has been diagnosed with late stage cancer. I asked dh if he would try to make contact and make up. However dh said he can't find the words and has been saying that for a month now. If I talk to him, he's getting round to it.

I don't want the next time I see his uncle to be at the funeral so do you think really he just doesn't want to make contact? I have asked dh this a few times and he insists he does, he's getting round to it. The cancer has spread to major organs and bones and I have pointed out dh is running out of time. I'm debating going to see them without him. What I really don't want to do is rock up at the funeral after dh being nc for years with dh supporting dh with a loss I no longer can belive he cares about.
I have contacted the aunt and cousin myself and we are in contact.

Why would you and DH be going to the funeral?

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 13:28

If you’re in contact with the cousin, and wish to see them, then arrange it. It’s then up to your DH if he decides to come or not.

Don’t bring a drama to the door of a dying person, though. If your DH actually isn’t welcome to visit, then that’s that.

Act in accordance with your own values.