There is a blurry line between victim and abuser isn’t there?

[Itsalongtime]

I think I’ve just come to realise this. Abusers a lot of the time were once victims, they are stuck in the need for others to make them feel better. They really are still victims.

I was neglected by my parents and abused by my husband and I’m catching myself doing very similar behaviours to him now. It feels nice when people listen to you and tell you how well you have done. My ego is very weak now from what I’ve been through and seeking valuation feels good. People should just know how I feel and make me feel better just because…but really they owe me nothing that isn’t given freely. I tell my child that if you are kind others in turn will be but never to expect it. I expect things from people who I’ve given things to or at times nothing to just because I feel a bit crap inside.

I do not want to carry this identity going forward. I don’t want to become addicted so that I destroy everything for that supply. Yes it feels good but I don’t want to be a victim forever. I have a missing part of me from my childhood. I don’t really know how to get validation from within. I am proud of myself in some ways I suppose but I never feel it strong enough to mean anything.

How do I put that to bed?

Yeah I guess I make the sad part but they are family and they are supposed to help just like they were supposed to raise me properly. All they do is let me down and put me physically on my own. What’s the point of them? I guess they are just not my people. But then who do I ask for help from? I need a break at times, I’m dealing with an awful lot and I find I can’t escape it at times, that’s when I loose a bit of control. Like with my ex he took away my escape and I lost my control. I can’t see an out for a break. No time for baths or my knitting or the garden. I can’t utilise my calming mechanisms so I’m reaching overwhelm then I’m not in control.

But then who do I ask for help from

From you. You are your person. You are the one you can rely on.

You have found an outlet here, somewhere you can open up and talk to people, even if you might not be able to get practical help. You can carry on insisting that you're stuck, and that they 'should' help you, but really, that counts for nothing in terms of you making your life better. You could be useful to yourself, even more than finding people to talk to... you could start more threads about how to deal with the practical matters you face, you could find other forums and websites and articles and information, people in similar situations with their families, found out how they have helped themselves... Take charge. Yes, it would be great if they'd do better, but they don't, and that's the reality.

You are the boss. You decide who to spend time with. Don't spend time with people who piss you off, and then say 'It's not fair!' when they treat you exactly as you could have anticipated. You are walking into a situation and then getting upset by the inevitable outcome.

You are right. I did the same in my marriage. Kept staying and hoping and hiding myself so he would change so that he could meet my needs and accept me. He pissed me off and I barley liked him towards the end, I wished he’d have a car accident or something which made me feel crap. I took charge of that even though I was told I was nothing without him, I am something and have a lot really that is good.

It's hard, taking responsibility for yourself. I was 43 when I realised I had a whole human being to take care of... make sure they were warm, dry, fed, clean, clean clothes, happy face, tidy hair, sweet friends etc... I had to take care of me. I remember the weight of it hitting me, and what a daunting task, after stumbling through all of those years waiting for someone to pick me up when I fell, which I did, many times, in crap jobs, crap relationships, crap housing... When I realised it was all down to me, I had a big panic, but then I felt better... bolder... equal to everyone else. And life's taken a different track now.

Honestly, you could spend the rest of your days wondering why those people aren't good to you, but the fact is, they're just not, and it's nothing to do with you. They're just a bit shit, and that's up to them.

Some people are lucky and have lots of people automatically there to help them, and some people don't. Some people have it better than you, but some people have it worse.

But, I'll say it once more: you are in charge. If you want this to be a fun life, for you and your little one, create that. If you want to spend your time saying 'It's not fair!' then do that. But don't blame anybody else. It's up to you. Accept the challenge.

I do take the challenge.

I think I’ve found my trigger, I could feel it all day after speaking to you and it’s the words “you should”. It’s in my head all the time through all walks of my life up to this point. I’ve a little person inside of me who says “you should”. You should have accepted me for who I was as a child, I was extremely sensitive and kind and sweet as a child, very sensitive to people and places and noise, it’s who I am. I was not accepted by those who should have told me I was enough. I was bullied at school, I had forgotten that. I was told it was because I was different. But I would have made a lovely friend to the right people but I hid away. Same at uni, people were unkind to me because I was different. It made me good at my subject of design and they didn’t like it.

My husband said all the time to me “you should” love me more, not be afraid of this, shouldn’t take offence to that, shouldn’t be so sensitive….but I was and
I am and I told myself “you should and you shouldn’t either” based on what I was told externally. I would have made a lovely partner to the right person without changing anything. (I think I have that now). I’ve been telling myself I should and shouldn’t for so long taking on my mums voice and that of society and my husband and completely ignoring me. No wonder I was and am so angry.

Same like my in laws or my work colleagues I think “you should” like me. Yeah they should because I’m a great person and it’s their loss. They aren’t my people. My people are people who have a deeper connection to themselves and the world. I’m not a superficial person at all. I’ve been living with zero ego.

My mum and my husband got at me constantly for not being career minded and getting nowhere. He wanted me to use my talent, my designing to make money for us so he could open a business. It’s not who I am, I don’t aspire to have a great career and that’s ok isn’t it! I haven’t done any designing despite having a masters since my ex got upset I wasn’t bringing in enough money and forced me to get a normal job where he worked. I hated it.

I lost all respect for my my in laws when they said “you should” be grateful you should be happy. I’m recovering from abuse I shouldn’t be anything. Just accept me for how I feel at the moment or fuck off! See it gets me angry. Instead I also told myself you should be happy and totally ignored my pain.