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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I not have got on the train?

42 replies

DancingQueen2018 · 11/04/2023 23:04

Disclaimer before I type this there’s obviously a huge backstory and I’m already on the verge of leaving but I’d just like to know if I was in the wrong totally here.

I took my 2 dds for a day out today, we had a fab time and had arranged to meet DH for dinner. We do this quite often, usually close to his office but they wanted to go to somewhere specific so asked him to meet us there.

He was clearly in a vile mood all through dinner, grumpy afterwards when we went elsewhere to get dessert and I didn’t ask if he wanted any (I wasn’t and he didn’t say he wanted any). He stormed off to the tube ahead of us, when we got there couldn’t see him so we went in, not in the ticket hall so assumed he’d got on a train.
He has form for getting in a grump and storming off leaving me and the children.

So we got on the train, cue furious messages when I got off of how could we abandon him like that. I mean with hindsight I should have called him but it didn’t even occur to me at the time. I just assumed he was being a grumpy idiot and assumed we’d catch him up somewhere. Was I totally out of order or does he bear some responsibility given his history?

OP posts:

Ndd135632 · 11/04/2023 23:06

Idiot. I would have got on the train too.

jackstini · 11/04/2023 23:07

If he has form for doing it before and he didn't message you either - then he can't really blame you for prioritising getting the dc home safely

Sounds like the onus is always on you to ask, rather than on him to just say

Why was he in such a bad mood?

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2023 23:08

you had enough dc to deal with without his man-tantrum. I have no tolerance for this. How dare he abandon you with the dc then blame you!

sladys · 11/04/2023 23:09

So he stormed off and abandoned you & Dds then went mental cos he feels you abandoned him??

So it's ok for him but not you? Or is his ego dented cos you didn't make a fuss and chase after him?

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2023 23:09

And why can’t he use his big boy voice and ask for a dessert?! Is he usually so useless?

Rainbowqueeen · 11/04/2023 23:11

But he’s abandoned you like that before, based on your OP.

He sounds really toxic and self absorbed. I’d be telling him the storming off needs to stop and he needs to communicate in a healthy respectful way if he wants to stay married to you. And I’d mean it. Your DC deserve better than this

TheFlis12345 · 11/04/2023 23:15

He is a grown man who ruined your dinner by sulking, stormed off ahead and left you with the children but is somehow trying to claim he is the ‘abandoned’ victim? Do you really need to ask?

Stripycatz · 11/04/2023 23:17

I would not be putting up with this shit. Your children are learning that this is normal behavior, and soon you'll have 3 of them.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 23:21

How can you possibly choose to stay married to this insufferable fuckwit? What an absolutely appalling example for relationships this is setting for your children. Your daughters are going to gravitate towards men just like your husband because this is their normal.

Mehmeh22 · 11/04/2023 23:26

The player got played. Muwahaha.

His behaviour is atrocious btw. You deserve better

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 23:27

Presumably you are already home, have locked the door and told him to fuck off til he stops behaving like a toddler who's been given the blue cup instead of the red one.....

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/04/2023 23:31

He has form for getting in a grump and storming off leaving me and the children

and sweetheart you are even questioning yourself here . Shabby behaviour

Linio · 11/04/2023 23:32

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He acted like a grumpy arse, he got treated like a grumpy arse.

You did nothing wrong.

Topee · 11/04/2023 23:35

Grade A knob

Original poster

DancingQueen2018 · 12/04/2023 06:53

Yes, I know I’m very worried about the effect on the children. We had a conversation about it a few weeks ago where I expressed my unhappiness and I am at last prepared to leave. He is trying but then something like this happens.

he feels very left out from the 3 of us (which is why he behaves that way) but in my opinion he’s brought that in himself as he’s just never really been interested in doing anything with girls when they were younger(who are now 7 and 12), wanted to spend his evenings and weekends relaxing and I let him (to my shame) because he made such a fuss about how hard he works and needed time to relax (all the time). But it’s come back to bite him as they’re just not interested in him, the older one especially.

I find it hard to include him because for years it’s just been the 3 of us doing what we like, and I don’t like him enough anymore to try. I’m so resentful of his behaviour.

i did see a therapist last year, but I guess I still find it hard to trust myself that my behaviour isn’t really unreasonable. She suspected he might be ND but without seeing him couldn’t say for sure.

thanks for reassuring me that’s not a great way to behave though.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2023 07:36

He is your common or garden grade A arsehat; not neuro diverse. Your therapist should never have made such a pronouncement quite apart from the fact she is likely not at all qualified to diagnose him.

Trust your own judgment here. You did nothing wrong.

Of course your girls are not interested in their father; he's never been emotionally present in their lives because he is that far up himself and otherwise self absorbed.

It will affect your children far more if you were to remain married to him; staying for the supposed sake of the kids helps no-one here and least of all them. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

CircleofWillis · 12/04/2023 08:06

He is angry because his plan was for you to run around trying to phone him / find him and mollify him as punishment. But instead you just got on with it and highlighted to him how irrelevant his behaviour and actions have become to the three of you now.

MsCunk · 12/04/2023 08:10

Mark my words, his behaviour will escalate the less you pander to his tantrums.

Stratocumulus · 12/04/2023 08:17

Brace yourself. When you eventually leave I suspect he will really throw his toys out of the pram.
I hope all goes well and there will be tranquility for you as you and your young ones get away from this man-child.
Chin up and no - YANBU.

NoraLuka · 12/04/2023 08:18

Of course you were right to get on the train, he’s probably just in a mood because you got on with what you were supposed to be doing instead of pandering to him.

Men like this drive you crazy, first you have to guess why they’re sulking, then guess what you should be doing about it, and they won’t give you any clues because that would be too easy.

Fuck that shit.

Batcountry8 · 12/04/2023 08:23

I'm glad you're already wanting to split up with him.
You've got some really important years coming up with the girls.

It sounds like their lives would be less stressful and unbalanced if you split.

Yes I would have got on the train, you broke a cycle there so kudos to you.
I know someone in your position and they've plodded on in a controlling man child relationship which has never changed. Very similar circs and ages of children. Kids older now.
It's sad to see the misery.

Fairislefandango · 12/04/2023 08:24

he feels very left out from the 3 of us (which is why he behaves that way)

No, he behaved that way because he's an arsehole. He's manipulating you and punishing you for not making him the centre of attention and doing what he's decided he wants. Behaving that way towards you is bad enough, but the fact that he has no qualms about storming away from his children tells you everything you need to know about him. Of course you were right to get on that train. Don't let him bully you and don't let your children see him making you hesitant and scared about how to react when he does this.

Channellingsophistication · 12/04/2023 08:25

You were right to get on the train. He has behaved like a child…

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 12/04/2023 08:26

OP you need to be with your dds leading a happy and normal life, dh does not fit in to this. Make the changes and show strength to your girls that a woman does not have to pander to this nonsense. They will thank you for it in the long term.
He might whinge and kick off but will get over it and will prpbably be with someone else before you know it.

Summerhillsquare · 12/04/2023 08:27

Linio · 11/04/2023 23:32

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He acted like a grumpy arse, he got treated like a grumpy arse.

You did nothing wrong.

This with bells on!!

I will be borrowing this phrase 😁

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