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Original poster

When to think about marriage

37 replies

Th10 · 10/04/2023 22:10

I have been with my partner on and off four years. We’ve been through a miscarriage at 21w and another at 7w, now we have been blessed with a twin pregnancy! Currently 16w. I live with him in my PIL at no cost house whilst I/we save towards a mortgage deposit. We’ve recently discussed our next steps and looking buying this year, however I feel like marriage has been on my mind a lot recently, considering things like my job (2hr commute each way, 5 days per week atm) so I will be looking for a new job closer to my partner so we can build a life here. Maternity leave with twins away from my parents and living with his, I feel like, I am making ‘permanent’ choices (job change, looking to buy a property with him closer to his home). So I feel like something as permanent as marriage is the next step. He laughs off marriage as he asked me if I wanted to get married (not proposing, just a general question) years earlier, and I said no - this was before we even spoke about children or buying a property, so I didn’t take it too seriously. I have told him that I was younger and stupid and my mindset has changed as we’ve grown as a couple but I feel like he’s using it as a reason not to consider marriage. Now I feel I have to keep bringing it up. I don’t want to be pushy. Should I accept he doesn’t want to get married? It seems silly to be together but not aim for marriage considering our future? Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 10/04/2023 22:32

I think you do need a serious conversation about marriage and the future. Why cant you live nearer your job and your family? Will be hard with twins but you need to keep your job you are quite vulnerable financially otherwise.

Original poster
Th10 · 10/04/2023 22:39

@Channellingsophistication Thank you, I will bring it up again as I am ruminating on it. I did initially live nearer job/family, but moved to be with my partner. I intend to keep my job but transfer closer to where me and my partner live. Currently I feel that it is my little bit of security at the moment as it is close to my parents /old home, where I could go if things didn’t work out.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 10/04/2023 22:54

Well its wonderful that you are expecting twins just need to make sure you protect yourself financially and look after yourself

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2023 22:57

If he 'laughs' off marriage, you need to have an actual serious conversation about it. I wouldn't be moving, changing jobs, taking any extended time off without the protection of marriage.

Incidentally, whose name are the house savings in?

HaggisBurger · 10/04/2023 22:58

Having babies with someone is pretty permanent, no?

Have a proper conversation with him about what you want. Without worrying about being “pushy”.

Paperbagsaremine · 10/04/2023 22:58

If you die in childbirth he will not be the legal father of the twins.
I'd be tempted just to book the appointment to give notice and a registry office date asap.
You are having children. You might die. Things have changed. Things are serious now.
Just ask him whether he would prefer civil partnership or marriage ;)

Original poster
Th10 · 10/04/2023 23:09

@HaggisBurger Thanks, I will do. the first pregnancy was unplanned but rest were planned. I did assume that marriage was going to happen, but with twins/costs of childcare/buying a property/new car/job all at once has brought it into perspective a lot faster for me personally

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 10/04/2023 23:12

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you. We have separate savings/bank accounts and haven’t saved together, we go 50/50 on pretty much everything. He has more than I do I believe but we’d be putting the same amount down towards a deposit. All of the things you’ve said I have been thinking about, I feel like I am being naive I will definitely have the conversation tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 10/04/2023 23:15

@Paperbagsaremine Thank you for the information, I didn’t know that. I need to look into the ins and outs of marriage but as our circumstances are changing so drastically my gut is telling me it is the next step logically.

OP posts:
Sunnygirl07 · 10/04/2023 23:20

For us, it was before trying for a baby.

Beebopdrop · 10/04/2023 23:26

Tell him 'I want to get married. You?' honestly, two miscarriages, three pregnancies and living with the PIL - this should be really easy.

If he says he does, plan the wedding.

If he says he doesn't, well, there's your answer

perfectcolourfound · 11/04/2023 12:31

The time to get married - before you have a baby.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 11/04/2023 12:55

Tell him if you’re not married the children will have your surname (no double barrelling either).

Wishona · 11/04/2023 13:17

I wasn’t bothered about getting married. Once I had my first baby I realised it was better to be though. You don’t need a big wedding.

MrLbz · 11/04/2023 13:28

OK this is a problem, it kind of reads like when you first got together you agreed that marriage wasn't something you both wanted.

Now you are having kids you have (rightly) changed your mind.

Its not your partners fault if he hasn't though.

A serious chat about this is needed.

workshy46 · 11/04/2023 13:36

Not sure why you TTC before you got married if that is what you wanted. He holds all the power now. Laughing it off suggests he has zero interest in marrying you. I think it is most likely serious conversation ultimatum time. Do NOT leave your job, take on more of the child/childcare expenses. Make sure he pays his own way and contributes fairly towards this child. Don't use your savings to cover your maternity leave. You need to have serious conversations around finances etc. You are in a v vulnerable position but at least you are wise to it now.

MasssiveSalad · 11/04/2023 14:54

Get married while you are pregnant it can be a simple register office wedding. Dont delay it for a silly party and perfect dress, do it out of practicality.

MasssiveSalad · 11/04/2023 14:55

Registery can be very booked up so act fast as you have to wait the notice period as well.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 11/04/2023 15:35

The time to get married is before conceiving! Now you’re essentially at his mercy whether he deigns to marry you or not. I don’t mean to frighten you but you’re putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position, even more so by the fact you’re having twins. I think a very serious discussion is needed.

randomuser2019 · 11/04/2023 15:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Th10 · 11/04/2023 20:34

MrLbz · 11/04/2023 13:28

OK this is a problem, it kind of reads like when you first got together you agreed that marriage wasn't something you both wanted.

Now you are having kids you have (rightly) changed your mind.

Its not your partners fault if he hasn't though.

A serious chat about this is needed.

@MrLbz it was a question he asked me casually, we didn’t have a proper conversation about it at the time. Yesterday he said he’s doesn’t ‘believe in marriage’ so now I know where I stand. But I’ve said I am not going to be changing my jobs, as although it is a long distance it is my security at the moment (it’s closer to where I would live if we broke up). He said I’m delusional for thinking that we could break up, but my argument is that there is very little financial implication for him if we did break up. I would have to find another job, nursery etc and he would not.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2023 20:37

Yesterday he said he’s doesn’t ‘believe in marriage’ so now I know where I stand.

You do. And now I suggest you develop beliefs in the following areas:

Maintaining financial independence
Not doing housework for people who aren't you (or your child)
Not moving for people who won't compromise
Giving children born out of wedlock your surname (in fact, a name wholly chosen by you)
Not having further children with people who aren't married to you

And so on.

Original poster
Th10 · 11/04/2023 20:40

workshy46 · 11/04/2023 13:36

Not sure why you TTC before you got married if that is what you wanted. He holds all the power now. Laughing it off suggests he has zero interest in marrying you. I think it is most likely serious conversation ultimatum time. Do NOT leave your job, take on more of the child/childcare expenses. Make sure he pays his own way and contributes fairly towards this child. Don't use your savings to cover your maternity leave. You need to have serious conversations around finances etc. You are in a v vulnerable position but at least you are wise to it now.

I wouldn’t say I wanted it, I have been quite nonchalant about marriage, and the first pregnancy was unplanned - the two after happened very fast (all three pregnancies in 2022). It’s the cost of childcare for two children at once and the prospect of a mortgage that has to bought it to my attention. But regardless you are correct. He said he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I won’t be moving my job now for the foreseeable future as it is the security that I need if we were to break up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 12/04/2023 00:55

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

@YaWeeFurryBastard @randomuser2019

We had a discussion tonight which didn’t go very well. Last night he said he doesn’t believe in marriage, fine. Today, I said am hesitant to move my job as it is my only bit of security close to my parents house (will move back temporarily if we ever broke up). I said, until you are on the birth certificate or we have a mortgage, I will not change jobs as I am not confident in just a promise that we will never break up, particularly in this situation. He’s concerned and took offence as he feels I am trying to get ‘leverage’. Through child support ?? But I see it as, there will be no responsibility for him otherwise but for me there is a lot. Have a gone about this the wrong way? Now he doesn’t want to get a mortgage with me as he thinks I have some ulterior motive

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 01:03

He’s concerned and took offence as he feels I am trying to get ‘leverage’

Well conversely he wants you to have none. No power, no influence, completely powerless? The answer is, "I'd be pretty stupid to do everything on yours terms, wouldn't I?".

You're not forcing him to marry you but equally, he doesn't get the benefits of a committed relationship without committing.

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