When to think about marriage

[Th10]

I have been with my partner on and off four years. We’ve been through a miscarriage at 21w and another at 7w, now we have been blessed with a twin pregnancy! Currently 16w. I live with him in my PIL at no cost house whilst I/we save towards a mortgage deposit. We’ve recently discussed our next steps and looking buying this year, however I feel like marriage has been on my mind a lot recently, considering things like my job (2hr commute each way, 5 days per week atm) so I will be looking for a new job closer to my partner so we can build a life here. Maternity leave with twins away from my parents and living with his, I feel like, I am making ‘permanent’ choices (job change, looking to buy a property with him closer to his home). So I feel like something as permanent as marriage is the next step. He laughs off marriage as he asked me if I wanted to get married (not proposing, just a general question) years earlier, and I said no - this was before we even spoke about children or buying a property, so I didn’t take it too seriously. I have told him that I was younger and stupid and my mindset has changed as we’ve grown as a couple but I feel like he’s using it as a reason not to consider marriage. Now I feel I have to keep bringing it up. I don’t want to be pushy. Should I accept he doesn’t want to get married? It seems silly to be together but not aim for marriage considering our future? Thanks 😊

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you! the conversation opened my eyes I feel a little less naive now

He's had it all his own way for a while so he will push back to try to get you back in your box. Just make sure you are deciding things for yourself and your child NOT because of him.

I know it's probably a shock because we often think we're happy when in fact we're compliant.

@MrsTerryPratchett You are right. And I haven’t done myself any favours as I can be a people pleaser and haven’t wanted to cause friction, I have asked myself if I was irrational but then I think, which part of what I brought up was ‘leverage’? Him having to contribute financially towards children we both decided to have, or agreeing on a mortgage we’d both pay equally towards? I believe neither are leverage, Then I feel a little bit more self assured

Absolutely this.
I would start the conversation as I respect that you don’t want to get married. That’s your choice. But you need to respect that I won’t put myself in a situation where I’m financially dependent on someone who won’t give me the security of marriage. I don’t want to end the relationship, but I am moving back to where my family support is. (Start packing) You are welcome to join me and our children.

Then move back to where you family is. You must do this now. Once the children are born it makes it tricky if he won’t let you move.
And until you are married the kids have your last name, keep working. Protect yourself. It’s his choice if he gets married, but you need to think of how this affects you. Maybe he will change his mind, maybe he won’t. But don’t let the negative consequences fall on you.

He is asking you to take on all the risk and responsibility. Pregnancy, maternity leave, changing jobs, moving to be closer to his family. These all have real, financial costs to you. Your earning potential is impacted not just in the short-term, but over your entire lifetime. Even if you take a short maternity leave, it is the rare parenting split where the father truly takes on half of all child related responsibility with the requisite impact to his career.

Marriage and either fully shared finances or a truly equitable financial arrangement are how he shows that he understands the huge risk and burden you are taking by having his child.

If you were really planning a life together, i would have gone down to the registry office the moment you got a positive pregnancy test.

does he really expect you to come up with half the house deposit while caring for twins? Has He thought about how much childcare is going to be for two infants?

You would be very wise to move back to your home/parent's home immediately, well before the babies are due. Your partners true colours are showing, and he isn't even the slightest bit concerned about your security. This man will never marry you.

Yesterday. Struggling to be a SAHM with a DH who is quite "handsoff". I often regret having ever met him and it makes me quite sad this is now my life. He's not the person I thought he was and I'm not sure we'll ever be happy again.

This is what I don’t think he understands, my worries about childcare costs as he didn’t know the costs for two children. If I didn’t tell him he would have been in for a serious shock after my maternity. I have to think about all of these things, how I/we are going to manage, what it means for me to move my job when he is comfortable at his job close to his home. I have to do the worst-case-scenario preparation but he thinks I am going to break up with him or make him move out of the property we would buy. I feel like it’s got skewed but I just want to ensure the risks are managed

as I moved in with him I have been saving up towards half the mortgage he has already saved up but I will continue through maternity saving what I can

Oh no, OP. I feel that this "arrangement" will end badly for you.
What happens with this 50/50 nonsense when you can't return to your previous employment/can't work full time/ have to take a lower-paid job/a child is sickly, etc. What if you have to go on maternity early?

How is the childcare going to work between you two? How the finances will get allocated for said childcare?

Will you be living with PIL with the babies?

You mention saving during your leave. Have you worked out how much he is going to give you to compensate for your lost income during maternity leave? Is it clear he is also going to need to cover his share of child related expenses?

This. You're off because of your collective babies. WHat's he bringing to the party?

We said we were going to split the nursery costs 50/50 between us, well his mum may help 2 days - he hasn’t asked her yet and he assumes she will do it for free but I said of course not we have to pay her also, he has suggested he could do some days during the week and work on the weekends and I could do one day a week but hopefully by then we should be eligible for 15hr free.
yes I will be living with PIL with the babies but in terms of costs for babies during maternity we hadn’t discussed this, only briefly where he said the costs for the babies during maternity will be more than I expect (from my income, not his).