Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband can't control anger - tonight I lost it too

31 replies

lalaland23 · 10/04/2023 22:02

my husband was hit as a child and we agreed we would never treat our children in the same way. two years ago he started to be physical with the children when he lost his temper with them. it happens occasionally - maybe 5/6 times in two years and is never 'serious' but he has left red marks and once bruised my son's arm when he grabbed him. I have told him that if he ever hits the children that's it for us and he has been trying to work on understanding himself better and has a spoken to his parents and siblings about his childhood. but tonight he hit my eldest with a towel and left a big red welt on his leg I totally lost it - shouting what the fuck is wrong with you and stop hitting the children and started hitting him. all in front of the kids. they are 4 and 9. I'm so horrified that the kids witnessed this. I've said that he needs to get professional help or its over for us. i just feel so overwhelmed and guilty and ashamed and just can't believe this is my life to be honest. this is not what I wanted for my children and I don't know what to do for the best. I don't feel like I can tell anyone.

OP posts:
goodenoughmum88 · 10/04/2023 22:04

You know that you need to leave. He won’t change and this will get worse, you may too. Get out as soon as you can, safely. You’ll be doing the best for your kids who will forgive you loosing your temper at him, and understand why. They won’t forgive you staying with someone who could do that to them though, as it will make you complicit, which from reading your post is not what you want, or are.

Original poster
lalaland23 · 10/04/2023 22:08

I think you are right x

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/04/2023 22:08

I have told him that if he ever hits the children that's it for us...
"I've said that he needs to get professional help or its over for us"

Oh yeh? And how many times will he hit the children before your fake threat actually comes to fruition?
You keep saying you'll leave then you don't.

Your poor kids.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 10/04/2023 22:08

Obviously you haven't made it crystal clear.

Bags packed at the door. That should be clear enough for him.

Fairislefandango · 10/04/2023 22:09

You should have left him before he hit them - when he was 'just' 'being physical'. He is abusing them and you are doing nothing about it.

JennyForeigner · 10/04/2023 22:13

I'm sorry, I also think you need to tell him to leave. You say he has tried to work on his anger but he can't control himself. If you accept this, you are telling him that you will minimise a next time.

At the very least, you need to show your children that what happened tonight was serious but that you are the parents they need. That means serious, substantial and visible change including daddy moving out - at very least for a while - so that their trust in you to safeguard and protect them is reinforced before anything else is a consideration.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 10/04/2023 22:13

He keeps advancing past your boundaries and you keep falling back and letting him

First he wasn't to be physical

Then he was physical and you told him if he hit them you would leave (although why being physical in other ways enough to leave bruises was okay I dont know)

Now hes hit them and you say he needs professional help

Next time he will hit them harder or you

The time for him to get professional help was before the children were born, before he got physical, before he hit them

You need to leave

Rachaelrachael · 10/04/2023 22:15

Sorry if this is blunt, but why are you allowing your husband to abuse your children? He's been warned before, and has now ramped it up, but he gets another chance so long as he gets professional help? Where will you draw the line, a punch in the face or push down the stairs? Please break the cycle and protect your children.

Original poster
lalaland23 · 10/04/2023 22:17

Thanks for those of you who have commented without judgement. Good point about the children needing to see immediate change. I am going to take them away for a few days. I have just told him we need to talk about splitting up as he’s not even sorry - doesn’t think what he did was bad. Times up for us

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 10/04/2023 22:19

maybe 5/6 times in two years and is never 'serious' but he has left red marks and once bruised my son's arm when he grabbed him.

And you don't think that's serious?

Get your kids away from this man. Your kids deserve better than this and they deserve better than what happened tonight.

FoolsOld · 10/04/2023 22:20

It is. He lashed out with a towel. Used something he knew would cause them pain. For me, that's even worse. He has be given all the chances, he chose not to change. Now you need to.

Aria2015 · 10/04/2023 22:22

It's not enough for him to acknowledge how he was raised was wrong, he needs to actively break that cycle and it sounds like he's not capable of doing that and he's parenting as he was parented.

Bobbybobbins · 10/04/2023 22:24

Oh OP I'm not surprised you reacted like that. Agree with other posters that you need to follow through on this.

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 22:25

Has anyone read the social services and family court thread?

so she leaves him. And then what? He’s free to hit the kids 50 of the time on his time with them, and they’ll have no one there to try and protect them or comfort them. He won’t have to be careful because OP won’t be there. He’ll be free to rack it up. He’ll be even more stressed solo parenting which will up the chances again.

This is the reality if the situation. Anyone thinking OP can leave and take the kids and keep them away from him and safe is sadly misinformed.

Northernsouloldies · 10/04/2023 22:25

I grew up in a dv household. The things I saw and heard and experienced were things no child should. Took me decades to reconcile with. Get yourself and your children out of the situation.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/04/2023 22:27

I don't think you should feel bad at hitting him and swearing. If he was any normal man this would bring it home to him about how wrong he is and how bad you feel. The fact that it's made no impact on him speaks for itself. He doesn't care, and it'll happen again, and again. Leave now.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 22:30

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 22:25

Has anyone read the social services and family court thread?

so she leaves him. And then what? He’s free to hit the kids 50 of the time on his time with them, and they’ll have no one there to try and protect them or comfort them. He won’t have to be careful because OP won’t be there. He’ll be free to rack it up. He’ll be even more stressed solo parenting which will up the chances again.

This is the reality if the situation. Anyone thinking OP can leave and take the kids and keep them away from him and safe is sadly misinformed.

This is my concern too.

I am NOT saying you should stay with him, simply that you need to document his behaviour and take pictures of bruises etc so when you do split you can angle for minimum or supervised contact.

Gymmum82 · 10/04/2023 22:37

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 22:25

Has anyone read the social services and family court thread?

so she leaves him. And then what? He’s free to hit the kids 50 of the time on his time with them, and they’ll have no one there to try and protect them or comfort them. He won’t have to be careful because OP won’t be there. He’ll be free to rack it up. He’ll be even more stressed solo parenting which will up the chances again.

This is the reality if the situation. Anyone thinking OP can leave and take the kids and keep them away from him and safe is sadly misinformed.

I agree with this. You cannot ‘just leave’ an abusive parent anymore. Because they will get shared custody and the children will have no one there to protect them. Absolutely no one at all. And he will lose it with them more often and more severely because he will be more stressed being on his own and also because there will be no one there to stop him. He can do what he likes.
Make him move out for a while so you can carefully consider your next steps because leaving will not protect your children

AnotherEmma · 10/04/2023 22:41

You need to take your child to the doctor and get the injury on his medical record.

You need to call the NSPCC helpline and report every act of violence against the children.

You need to talk to the safeguarding lead at the children's school.

Have you put any support in place for them, given that they are being abused by their father? They need mental health support.

If you don't document this and get support for the children you are going to be fighting a losing battle.

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 22:50

Good advice from @AnotherEmma

Streamside · 10/04/2023 22:51

You can't lose control to the extent that you're hitting your husband.He could use this against you so effectively and you simply have to keep control.
I think going away for a few days with the children would be the best thing for you at present.Best of luck.

SammyScrounge · 10/04/2023 22:52

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 22:25

Has anyone read the social services and family court thread?

so she leaves him. And then what? He’s free to hit the kids 50 of the time on his time with them, and they’ll have no one there to try and protect them or comfort them. He won’t have to be careful because OP won’t be there. He’ll be free to rack it up. He’ll be even more stressed solo parenting which will up the chances again.

This is the reality if the situation. Anyone thinking OP can leave and take the kids and keep them away from him and safe is sadly misinformed.

If she reported the assault to the police, wouldn't that change the family.court"s judgement. At best he would get limited access under supervision.

SammyScrounge · 10/04/2023 22:53

Family court's judgment, I meant

Thatbloomindog · 10/04/2023 23:01

@SammyScrounge she’d need evidence that he’d done it. Which she doesn’t have.
Even they he count now counter argue that she assaulted him…

At best he might get 6 sessions of supervised access at a contact centre and if they assess him as calm and a suitable person (which anyone can pretend to be for 1 hour) they’d move to unsupervised.

the best you can hope for is that he is a deadbeat dad who doesn’t bother to fight for access.

SkyandSurf · 10/04/2023 23:09

Document what is happening.

Take them to the GP - they'll create a medical record.

Ask for a child psychologist referral- another record

Take photos

Send text message or email to someone you trust 'I'm taking the children away this weekend because DH's violence is escalating and I need to protect them' - contemporaneous record

I would call the police as well to report it but I know that can be hard as well.

Email or text him that he needs anger management counseling as it is unacceptable to hit the children and you won't tolerate it. - another record.

And yes you need to leave him. You keep giving him limits and then not following through. Your limits mean nothing to him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread