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Original poster

Why does ghosting feel so awful?

34 replies

beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 19:55

I'm probably being dramatic, but I just got back on OLD a few weeks ago. I'm a lesbian and matched with a woman who was pursuing me. We have a date set up for this weekend. We have texted quite a bit, voice notes and had a few phone calls.

However, the past few days she's been really off. Yesterday I contacted her and she never responded for over 12 hours - fair enough. It was Easter and she was busy with her family, but her reply was very short and didn't acknowledge anything I'd said in last message. She then sent me a picture of what she was up to and I just replied 'looks like fun! Enjoy'.

I then woke up this morning with two missed calls from her at 1 am this morning and then she had sent me 2 videos at 6 am this morning. I replied at 8 am just acknowledging the videos and saying that I was sleeping when she had called and asked if she had had a good day/night? And since then there has been complete radio silence.

Once again, fair enough, assumed she was just hungover. However, she's been watching my instagram stories almost as soon as they're posted.

I'll leave it at that and maybe I'm just being dramatic as I've been out of the game for so long. I just know that whenever she texts me I get excited and am eager to reply. I haven't came across too eager either, I'd just say pretty normal. I don't text constantly and sometimes the conversation will naturally end at me so it's not like I am forcing it.

I have been in this situation before with men, you can just tell when there's been a change in contact/vibe. It's very odd.

I feel so disappointed which is ridiculous as I haven't met her yet. Will I be over it in a few days? I feel like I'm constantly checking my phone today.

OP posts:
goodf · 10/04/2023 19:59

OP, its really important to resist the urge to pester this other lady. You don't know for sure yet she's definitely ghosted you, whilst she might well have done, or she might just be busy with other pressing life stuff. Ultimately time will tell.

You don't wanna accidentally give that needy or desperate vibe by accident though, that definitely will kill things stone dead. Try and play it cool! :)

Original poster
beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 20:02

goodf · 10/04/2023 19:59

OP, its really important to resist the urge to pester this other lady. You don't know for sure yet she's definitely ghosted you, whilst she might well have done, or she might just be busy with other pressing life stuff. Ultimately time will tell.

You don't wanna accidentally give that needy or desperate vibe by accident though, that definitely will kill things stone dead. Try and play it cool! :)

Thank you! Yes I definitely am not going to contact her unless she contacts me.

OP posts:
goodf · 10/04/2023 20:03

You're welcome! :)

Original poster
beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 20:22

Bump

OP posts:
goodf · 10/04/2023 20:24

Anyway, fingers crossed she's just washing her hair (for an extended period ;) ) OP and she gets back in touch

EastAngle · 10/04/2023 21:13

I would say that this is for the best, do you really want someone phoning at 1am or 6am? I would find that extremely rude.

Original poster
beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 21:44

EastAngle · 10/04/2023 21:13

I would say that this is for the best, do you really want someone phoning at 1am or 6am? I would find that extremely rude.

Hmm I mean, luckily my phone was on silent but I assumed she was just drunk.

OP posts:
aurynne · 10/04/2023 22:14

Someone who phones me at 1 am would be an instant no for me.

Original poster
beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 22:32

aurynne · 10/04/2023 22:14

Someone who phones me at 1 am would be an instant no for me.

Why?

OP posts:
Bristoluser · 10/04/2023 22:34

I really think you've dodged a bullet! Phoning at 1am and 6am and then playing hot and cold before you've even met sounds like total high maintenance.

Bristoluser · 10/04/2023 22:35

You should back away from anyone who isn't entirely straightforward I the early days.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 10/04/2023 22:36

beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 22:32

Why?

Show quote history

It's overly familiar so early on - and really inconsiderate

name985 · 10/04/2023 22:37

I think that all sounds like too much. Drunken 1am phone calls before you've even met? I think you are well shot of her tbh.

UneasyMe · 10/04/2023 22:37

Have you actually met her yet, OP?

Original poster
beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 22:44

UneasyMe · 10/04/2023 22:37

Have you actually met her yet, OP?

No meant to be meeting on Saturday but still haven't heard from her today so doubtful it will go ahead

OP posts:
aurynne · 10/04/2023 22:45

beerandpoles · 10/04/2023 22:32

Why?

Show quote history

Because it's a really antisocial time of the night to call? I am really surprised I have to explain this.

BlastedPimples · 11/04/2023 06:38

Odd behaviour from the off.

Why bother? This is how she's going to be forever. This will leave you wondering all the time and perhaps starting to check your phone in the night to see if she's bothered to message you when drunk.

Don't do it to yourself.

Zanatdy · 11/04/2023 06:43

I think with OLD this is common as most people tend to talk to and set up multiple dates. I hate being ghosted, largely as my ex used to ignore me for weeks at a time.

MrsRickAstley · 11/04/2023 06:43

Yes agree with others. Phone calls / videos in the middle of the night are not on. Drunk or not.
Obvs has trouble with boundaries. How entitled to think that she can call you at these times ? You've not even met !!!

Why are you more concerned that she's ghosted you than her unhealthy issues with boundaries ?

I think you should give this one a swerve and work on your what's acceptable list.

I would heed others warnings.

Phoebo · 11/04/2023 06:46

I don't understand this at all so my comments might not be relevant or helpful ... but if she's calling you, texting and watching your stories then doesn't that show she interested?? I thought ghosting is when someone basically ignores you

Darhon · 11/04/2023 06:47

General advice is to meet within the week and not build something up too much before that. I was using it in the lockdowns though, so sometimes it was trickier to meet quickly, but I normally had met them within a fortnight. Also, don’t friend each other on social media until you are in a relationship.

Sillybollocks · 11/04/2023 06:58

If all has seemed well until now she may be embarrassed at drunk calling you so early on.

RocketIceLollie · 11/04/2023 07:12

Yeah calling you during the middle of the night before you've even met would ring alarm bells for me. I don't really understand why people exchange phone numbers before meeting to be honest. Just communicate on the app and set up a date asap. If you like each other then swap numbers.

Celynfour · 11/04/2023 07:23

With kindness , you haven’t been ghosted .
you’ve been messaging for a short time , you haven’t met . You’re worrying about someone over the Easter weekend not replying in the way they have in the previous short time you’ve met them . You’re also worrying about no definite plans for Saturday which is still 6 days away .
You may or may not meet up , you may or may not like her .
I am also in the camp of phoning at 1am and 6am to someone you have never met is over familiar . As is swapping numbers ( and possibly Instagram accounts depending on who / what is on yours ) with someone you haven’t met .
Dating is had work , try not to worry and be really kind to yourself . This one may not be for you .

AnyMucca · 11/04/2023 07:39

Sounds like a nutter. Next!

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