How would you take this?

[gera456]

During a heated argument my DH turned around to me and said 'at least I have a hobby, instead of sitting on my arse all day eating chocolate'.

I'm very hurt by this. Not only do I work hard, look after our DS 90% of the time, but have many hobbies, which he knows.

Is he calling me fat? I'm not sure how to take it.

How do you think he was trying to make you feel? That's more important, really.

How did it make you feel? How do you feel about it now?

I hope you replied, "Well at least I look after our children 90% of the time instead disappearing off with a selfish hobby to leave me to do everything."

Let me guess; is it cycling?

He said he wasn't calling me fat (I'm size 12 so not really overweight, but he knows I'm so conscious about this as I was a size 10 before having our child) - but this is a common theme during an argument. He will always take things too far and say something he knows will hurt me! He knew what he was doing / saying and implying :-(

This would have been a great response @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy. Not cycling. But involves him going away for weekend breaks and hours at a time. Imagine if I had such a luxury?

You do say it was a heated argument and most people say mean things in an argument, it doesn't mean anything more. If you read mumsnet a lot I would say many people say really vile unforgiveable things, not even in arguments. I wouldn't bother thinking anything of it.

People in healthy relationships don't say mean things to each other even when they have heated disagreements.

Mumsnet relationships board isn't a cross section of healthy and unhealthy relationships. It's predominantly people posting because they are unhappy about something in their relationship and don't feel they can discuss it with their partner. That's a high proportion of unhealthy relationships. The people in healthy relationships are recognising when there's an issue, and resolving it between themselves. They are not represented much here. 'My partner and I solved a problem together this morning' isn't a post we often see.

Saying mean things simply doesn't happen between people who have a healthy degree of respect and self respect. 'Vile' doesn't come into it, either.

So, your relationship is unequal in his favour, and he's regularly making unpleasant remarks about you eating too much, when he knows you're sensitive about your weight?

Would you say he's respectful and loving, OP? Would you say he cares about your feelings?

What was the context?

I.e. what did he say it in response to? There’s IMO a difference between him saying it in response to something and him just throwing out a deliberately nasty comment with no context what so ever.

e.g. My DH and I once had an argument because he was constantly out, would say he would be home for dinner and meals were ruined and I would end up going to bed on my own, and when i brought it up he told me that I was obviously just jealous that he had friends when nobody liked me. Because it was in response to a particular argument it hurt much more than if we’d e.g. been arguing about something totally different and he’d just thrown it out as a nasty comment.

Is it possible that he just hit out with the first stupid, childish words that come to mind, like many of us sadly do in the middle of a heated argument?

It's Easter, you've probably been eating chocolate, so maybe ...?

To be honest, if that was the case and was the best he could come up with, I suspect you don't have to much to worry about apart from his childishness. I could be wrong, of course, and he might be an absolute sh**, but hopefully not, and he will be apologetic later and suitably humiliated later by his outburst.

when i brought it up he told me that I was obviously just jealous that he had friends when nobody liked me

This is not demonstrative of a healthy relationship. It's abusive, personal, and made to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself, in order to deflect responsibility from himself.

Context doesn't matter when it comes to people being insulting and rude to each other. Even if you've been rude and insulting first, and theirs is a response to that, it doesn't mean that it's ok. It's just another tick in the 'poor relationship' box.

No he's not a bad husband. He's very loving, committed, great dad works hard etc etc. the only thing is the arguments, he ALWAYS takes it too far!

He was upset about the football and his team loosing to which I said it was ridiculous acting out over a game. And then it escalated from there!

I wouldn’t like this, it’s quite dismissive and derogative, even though the words themselves aren’t particularly offensive. He is basically calling you a lazy glutton.

I don’t go in for this type of arguing, I don’t mind someone calling me a twat if I’m acting like a twat or if I’m being a moody so-and-so. But I don’t like and won’t involve myself in personal slurs, even though this isn’t up there with the worse words possible, I still don’t like the implication.

If this is common and a regular occurrence in your relationship then you have to think about whether you want to address the wider issue and try and find a place where you can argue and disagree respectfully. Or as therapists often say “fight clean” - ie it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to fight with a partner, but in a way that isn’t a personal attack or slur.

Is it possible that he just hit out with the first stupid, childish words that come to mind, like many of us sadly do in the middle of a heated argument

Shocking what people view as ok. This is not what happens between two respectful adults.

the only thing is the arguments, he ALWAYS takes it too far

So then he's not being loving, is he? He's loving, unless he's being mean and trying to make you feel crap about yourself.

What he said was not good but we don't know what you'd said to him too. You say it's too far but maybe if we were there watching we'd think you gave him as good as you got. Both need to communicate better.

No it doesn’t matter in that it’s still a nasty comment to make, but there’s a difference between a comment being specifically aimed because of a certain point to the argument and one which is just being deliberately thrown out there to be hurtful.

So e.g. If we’d argued over something totally unrelated and he’d thrown out that comment I would have been like wtf, you’re just trying to think of something to uupset me. But because it was said in response to a specific situation it was clearly thought out and said in that time with that intent.

This was her raw nerve she might have said something that hit a sore point for him, too which we don't know she might have said stop being such a baby who cares or whatever and he retaliated as he was hurt, too. Don't just side with her because she's a woman and fatness is a sore subject for many of us. Fair is fair.

@MySugarBabyLove

Deliberately trying to hurt someone to deflect responsibility isn't decent or respectful behaviour.

Debating how lacking in decency or how disrespectful a comment is, according to context, is a bit too much like debating how much someone deserves abuse, according to context.

Don't just side with her because she's a woman and fatness is a sore subject for many of us

That's not what's happening. People haven't mentioned sex or gender, even, let alone brought their own insecurities to the thread.

Nobody has said that. But there is a difference between a comment thrown out with no context and one which is given thought.

The fact is, if you throw out a random nasty comment you’re doing it to attempt to upset someone, but if the comment doesn’t have any bearing on the discussion then it can be seen as just that, wanting to find something spiteful to say. But if the comment is made in reference to the discussion then thought has actually gone into that discussion and how to gain the best ground.

They’re both nasty, but the one said out of context, while being challenged, can also be thrown back in terms of telling the commenter that they’re just looking for something nasty to say, as opposed to the contextual comment which is more likely to make the person think because it’s in response to the argument.

Yes, but none of it defends anything, so it's a bit pointless to deliberate. If there's nastiness in a relationship, there's nastiness. There's no respect, regardless of context. I'm not saying that your comments are wrong, I'm saying they're irrelevant. It doesn't matter how much your house is on fire; you call 999 rather than deliberating on how bad the damage is or how it started.

People sometimes lose their temper and say bad things in the heat of the moment when they are annoyed. As long as this isnt part of a overall negative pattern of behaviour, and he is otherwise respectful maybe let it go don't stress over it?

You've misunderstood, I am not saying vile is a bench mark of some kind. I was trying to say that I have read some vile things on here that would make my hair curl and would definitely provoke a LTB. Relationships are sometimes tested to the limit and even healthy relationships can have arguments and sometimes normal people can say mean things in an argument. I haven't read the rest of the thread but just on face value the comment made didn't seem that terrible given the context of a heated argument.

@Amsooverthis

I didn't misunderstand anything. Your comments normalise mean remarks, and minimise OP's feelings. OP is upset, and you're saying that quite possibly it was an ok remark due to context, so OP should shut her feelings up and ignore them.

OP if you're upset or uncomfortable, you need to tell your partner. If you can't, or if you get a response like the above 'Well, what I said was OK because of the context', or similar, then you have a different problem to deal with in your relationship, which is disrespect and dismissal of your feelings.

Can you talk to him and tell him how much it hurt you? What would he say?

Do they?

I don't say 'mean things' in an argument. In fact, I don't really argue with anyone. That doesnt mean i seethe quietly either. If I'm unhappy about something, I raise it (as I'd expect them to). It then gets discussed and a resolution is reached. But it never becomes heated.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't discuss things in a respectful way.