Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you take this?

51 replies

gera456 · 10/04/2023 17:14

During a heated argument my DH turned around to me and said 'at least I have a hobby, instead of sitting on my arse all day eating chocolate'.

I'm very hurt by this. Not only do I work hard, look after our DS 90% of the time, but have many hobbies, which he knows.

Is he calling me fat? I'm not sure how to take it.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 11/04/2023 10:27

Sounds like u both need to work on yr relationship.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2023 10:30

gera456 · 10/04/2023 17:48

No he's not a bad husband. He's very loving, committed, great dad works hard etc etc. the only thing is the arguments, he ALWAYS takes it too far!

He was upset about the football and his team loosing to which I said it was ridiculous acting out over a game. And then it escalated from there!

OK so you made a derisory and unnecessary comment which was intended to belittle him and he responded in kind.

I don't know about the rest of your relationship but this does seem to have been unnecessary on both sides.

He was obviously in a heightened emotional state (whether you think it was ridiculous or not) and, rather than just let it be, made a comment that was intentionally crticial and inflammatory. Was it necessary?

lampsandlampshades · 11/04/2023 10:32

The nasty insult aside, any husband who is happy to leave you with 90% responsibility for raising your children and takes himself off for long days and some weekends without both having equal downtime, does not respect or care for you.

And that is the bottom line, no matter what gloss is put on it ...

TheMatriarchy · 11/04/2023 10:48

I would use what he said. "Yes you are right I do need a hobby like yours, so I will taking weekends/evenings etc in equal proportion to yours for my new hobby... photography, travel, painting (insert whatever interests you). And you will be caring for our child during this time. We will be taking turns to have time out/off from now on." He does sound like a bit of a dickhead though.

Watchkeys · 11/04/2023 15:00

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2023 10:23

Do they?

I don't say 'mean things' in an argument. In fact, I don't really argue with anyone. That doesnt mean i seethe quietly either. If I'm unhappy about something, I raise it (as I'd expect them to). It then gets discussed and a resolution is reached. But it never becomes heated.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't discuss things in a respectful way.

Show quote history

Yes, quite. I'm stunned by the amount of people who think it's acceptable to say mean things to each other. It just doesn't enter into our minds here, because we respect each other and we're adults. If we have a disagreement, we disagree. If one of us is bothering the other unwittingly, we talk about it and find a compromise. It's a concern how many people have playground bickering and bullying as part of their relationship.

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 08:39

I'm not saying it's acceptable as part of day to day life, I'm saying there is a context here of a heated argument. Honestly there's a lot of holier than thou on here.

Barbecuebeans · 12/04/2023 08:41

Amsooverthis · 10/04/2023 17:31

You do say it was a heated argument and most people say mean things in an argument, it doesn't mean anything more. If you read mumsnet a lot I would say many people say really vile unforgiveable things, not even in arguments. I wouldn't bother thinking anything of it.

What? Speak for yourself.

No, people shouldn't get free passes to be mean.

Barbecuebeans · 12/04/2023 08:42

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 08:39

I'm not saying it's acceptable as part of day to day life, I'm saying there is a context here of a heated argument. Honestly there's a lot of holier than thou on here.

Yep. Happy to be holier than thou rather than horrid.

Watchkeys · 12/04/2023 08:47

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 08:39

I'm not saying it's acceptable as part of day to day life, I'm saying there is a context here of a heated argument. Honestly there's a lot of holier than thou on here.

It's not 'holier than thou' to not insult and disrespect your partner. Jeez! Heated arguments aren't even a thing in healthy relationships. Heated discussions, yes, but getting personal? No.

I'm sorry you think it's ok, @Amsooverthis . It really is possible to not have this stuff in your relationship at all, and it's simply not demonstrative of a healthy bond between two people. Do you and your partner sometimes insult each other and say mean things?

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 09:59

Crikey this is getting personal! I think it's time to bow out. All I was saying was in response to the OP that the comment about 'sitting on your arse eating chocolate all day' wasn't exactly vicious in the context of a heated argument and I stand by that, and that people do say mean things in arguments, not that it's okay but it happens. Since that first post there is obviously more about how her partner always pushes too far and that is the real issue and a whole other level which is needs addressing. In all honesty I think the percentage of couples who don't argue or argue and don't sometimes say stuff that is 'mean' is probably quite low. Full disclosure I'm getting divorced and that's probably why my bar is lower than most 😂

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 10:01

Final comment... The title of the OP was 'How would you take this' and that was my honest initial response

Doodle94 · 12/04/2023 10:01

He was being completely out of order and saying something to get a reaction. He was sulking over a football game and thought the best thing to do was insult his wife.
If it was one of your close friends/sister/mum saying this would you be pretty disgusted that their partner resorts to personal attacks which aim to hurt? And even worse it was because his football team lost?

Amsooverthis · 12/04/2023 10:07

Honestly, if you look back my response was very early on when none of that had been disclosed so it was in response to the original post, not all the stuff that has come since...... People go on about meaness being unacceptable but then come on here and rip into other people.

billy1966 · 12/04/2023 10:49

gera456 · 10/04/2023 17:48

No he's not a bad husband. He's very loving, committed, great dad works hard etc etc. the only thing is the arguments, he ALWAYS takes it too far!

He was upset about the football and his team loosing to which I said it was ridiculous acting out over a game. And then it escalated from there!

Your husband is NOT the above is you do 90% of childcare on top of working.

Stop lying to yourself.

Great dad?
You do 90%.

He's a very nasty man at times and you are determined to be in denial.

Expect his nastiness to increase as long as you remain in denial.

Are you happy for your child to hear such nastiness from their fathers mouth?

Poor child.

Being so nasty is not normal nor a sign of a healthy relationship.

Your bar is really low.

I suggest you ring Women's aid for a chat and ask them is it normal for a partner to be so nasty.

I would also suggest you look into some counselling to figure out why your relationship bar is so low and why you feel you have to accept this.

I'm married 30 years and the only relationships that I associate such nasty remarks with, are abusive relationships.

Start by being honest with yourself.

A good man who loved you, wouldn't dream of saying such nasty things.

Abusive men do it ALL the time.

Protect your child and yourself.

Start by being honest with yourself about who he is.

Magaluf · 12/04/2023 10:54

I'm not sure I'd take this as a reference to you sitting on your arse eating chocolate at all. If the context was that you were complaining about how long he spends playing golf (or whatever) he could just as easily have meant that, if he wasn't playing golf he'd be sitting on his arse eating chocolate (ie being unhealthy) so isn't it better he's doing something healthy?

Obviously it depends on context though and that context includes whether he is generally a nice chap who is kind to you. If so, why not ask him what he meant (once you've both calmed down) so he can either apologise or explain? It's so easy to take things the wrong way and then dwell on it for months when the other person has no idea. OTOH if he's not a nice chap then this comment is the least of your problems.

Original poster
gera456 · 12/04/2023 18:46

Yes I do 90% because he works from 6am-6pm most days and our child is in bed by then. That doesn't make him a bad dad at all in my opinion. He worked those hours before so I knew that me doing most would be the case. And yes, he is loving. Heated arguments are not often in our relationship. It was me just wandering about this comment and whether to take it as a weight reference?

Interesting to hear peoples responses. Thank you. :-)

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/04/2023 18:52

Doodle94 · 12/04/2023 10:01

He was being completely out of order and saying something to get a reaction. He was sulking over a football game and thought the best thing to do was insult his wife.
If it was one of your close friends/sister/mum saying this would you be pretty disgusted that their partner resorts to personal attacks which aim to hurt? And even worse it was because his football team lost?

That's not quite how it happened.

You.missed out the part where she made an unnecessary snidey comment to him and that is what he reacted to. He wasn't taking his disappointment about the football out on her.

The bear was grumpy.

She could have left it but instead she poked it with a big stick and them got upset when it growled at her.

They were as bad as each other in this incident.

DeadbeatYoda · 12/04/2023 19:03

I'd have said, well if my husband wasn't such a selfish prick I wouldn't need the chocolate.

5128gap · 12/04/2023 19:06

Amsooverthis · 10/04/2023 17:31

You do say it was a heated argument and most people say mean things in an argument, it doesn't mean anything more. If you read mumsnet a lot I would say many people say really vile unforgiveable things, not even in arguments. I wouldn't bother thinking anything of it.

I disagree. In a healthy relationship with love and respect, even in a heated argument people pull their punches. If you know your partner has a particular weak spot where you can hurt them badly, you avoid it. Not to mention that mature adults should be able to stick to the point at issue, without resorting to 'you're a greedy fat pig you are' or similar.

5128gap · 12/04/2023 19:09

gera456 · 12/04/2023 18:46

Yes I do 90% because he works from 6am-6pm most days and our child is in bed by then. That doesn't make him a bad dad at all in my opinion. He worked those hours before so I knew that me doing most would be the case. And yes, he is loving. Heated arguments are not often in our relationship. It was me just wandering about this comment and whether to take it as a weight reference?

Interesting to hear peoples responses. Thank you. :-)

I don't know if it's a weight reference, but its quite obviously a reference to laziness and greed, which is just as bad I think?
If I had to call it, I'd say he went for the thing that would hurt you (weight) then chickened out with a food/idleness reference instead. Not very nice of him really.

QueefQueen80s · 12/04/2023 19:15

In any of my relationships we have never resorted to personal insults during arguments! Those words never leave you. We just argued about the topic at hand.

cosmicbabe · 12/04/2023 20:12

I would start doing 50% of the childcare and let him do 50%. Then get yourself a hobby that takes you away for hours or weekends. Evens then Grin

Doodle94 · 12/04/2023 20:49

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2023 18:52

That's not quite how it happened.

You.missed out the part where she made an unnecessary snidey comment to him and that is what he reacted to. He wasn't taking his disappointment about the football out on her.

The bear was grumpy.

She could have left it but instead she poked it with a big stick and them got upset when it growled at her.

They were as bad as each other in this incident.

Show quote history

That is how it happened though, he had the arse over his football team losing and he made a nasty comment. A fully grown adult can’t cope with a joke about a game resorts to making personal comments about his wife, that’s what happened!

Obviously everyone has different standards of what they think is acceptable.

CheekyHobson · 12/04/2023 21:28

All I was saying was in response to the OP that the comment about 'sitting on your arse eating chocolate all day' wasn't exactly vicious in the context of a heated argument

It seems to me the remark is intended to imply that the OP is excessively lazy and either overweight or greedy, none of which seems to be grounded in reality, so “vicious” is absolutely the correct word to describe it.

I’m now wondering exactly how vicious a remark has to be for some people to think it’s not okay!

It doesn’t really seem to be a matter of degrees to me. Either you’re prepared to level groundless accusations at your partner in order to make them feel worthless or you’re not.

I’d also be interested to know what form the OP’s husband’s “acting out” took. If he was snapping at her and the kids because he was upset his football team lost, she was 100 percent right to tell him he was being childish and needed to pull himself together. Disappointment over a sports game result is not an excuse to lash out at your supposed loved ones.

OldFan · 12/04/2023 21:45

I don't know about a direct weight reference, but of course he was claiming you don't have a healthy lifestyle, and that you don't do much. If the argument included him having a hobby involving exercise and that it was causing problems, then his comment was just to deflect from that issue so he didn't have to address the issues his hobby is causing.

Claiming you sit on your arse all day isn't likely to be true if you do more for the DC @gera456 . How old are they? Do you do any other work?

It was a nasty insulting comment for sure.