Lack of support in partner

[bohoochik]

Hi all,

My parents are visiting over Easter and it's been such an anxious period. My mom is very attention grabbing , even with my own friends and this is something she has done all her life. My dad is the enabler... so the relationship I have with them is very strained. Also only child.

I have asked my partner on this occasion before their arrival to NOT GET INVOLVED. In the past he did used to meddle , and never on my side. I said this is important to me and he agreed he will at the very least not get involved. Yet again my mom did her attention seeking behaviour so I altered plans on one afternoon politely , in order to get space away from the parents and de-escalate the situation. My partner immediately asked them if they would still like to come for that afternoon events anyway !!!
We had an argument just the two of us later, he generally got angry and says I was the rude one for not inviting them along in the end. The event was a walk in the park with dog and friend , nothing out of the ordinary btw.

I feel like the lack of support from him to deal with parents is a killer for me. Parents are difficult , but I would like to keep them in my life. I do need at least from him not to get involved on their side. People with difficult parents - please help with advice. My partner does not get why my moms ways upset me so much.
He admits she is attention grabbing , but he just says some people are more successful at it and it's a free for all....

If I was 20 things would be different ( no hesitation) , but I am turning 40 this year and I want a family of my own. I worry with this partner it will be him siding with any kids we would have and suddenly the whole pattern repeating again.

suddenly the whole pattern repeating again

This nails it one the head I think.

You say your Dad is the enabler in your parents' relationship and it sounds as though your partner is enabling them too.

But your relationship with any children can be different - you don't have to behave like your Mom.

Have you had any counselling about this?

what do you mean by if you were 20 things would be different? as in you would change your partner? if you feel like that, then age shouldn't come into it.

to be honest it sounds like you want your partner to go along with you no matter what, the same way your mum has your dad going along with her. and why shouldn't your partner agree with the kids over you?

you sound like you want the exact same relationship with your partner that your mum and dad have.

he agreed he will at the very least not get involved

This is the important piece.

He agreed with you beforehand.

But then went on to undermine you.

No trust, integrity, commitment or conviction in this relationship IMHO.

Thank you for your replies. I did wonder if I would want a similar relationship that my mom has, and no that is not it. I didn't ask him to intervene , I asked him not to get involved. Which is very different. Also he tends to pick other side ...

I do want a family and age does matter here ( unfortunately)

Sounds like yr partner and dad are very alike, so u r always going to have the same issue.

How is this partner like the OPs DF?

IMHO he’s the opposite.

He isn’t enabling the OP as per the DF / DM - he’s doing the opposite - undermining the OP.

He sounds more like the DM?

he generally got angry and says I was the rude one

This is a red flag.

He agreed to something upfront.

He then went against that agreement and undermined you and then gets angry…..

Why does he always side with them?

Does he not like you?

Does he have a passive aggressive streak where he jumps at an opportunity to do a number on you?

He's not obliged to do what you want him to. He's disrespecting a previously made agreement with you, when he knows it means a lot to you. That's up to him. The question is for you: Do you want a partner who has form for doing that?

I also am wondering if he does not like me generally. He has said when I got upset with my mom he felt I was quite "unlikeable" and rude and he needed to say something.

He also puts up a front in front of my parents , does everything to make them like him , at my expense. It's like he is competing with me for their attention. It is working and he is getting their attention , they generally talk more with him and I am becoming the moody one around the house as I am upset with the nature of things.

I confessed to my parents in private that I don't think this relationship is working for me, at which point my dad started to pipe up and say "but as long as we have been here he seemed to treat you well". It grates me my parents are not seeing through this , so I what I am looking for is validation this is not normal and better to have a child alone than unsupportive partner like this , even at 40.

What a horrible partner you are 100% wasting your time with.

Christ but do not have children with someone who likes to upset you, gaslight you about your parents and goes out of his way to do what you have adked him not to do.

He is disordered and ugly.

He gets off on upsetting you.

Why you have tolerated this is the real question.

Get rid of him unless you want a miserable furture.

Get counselling to figure out why you have tolerated this loser.

The first time he deliberately went against what you asked should have been a huge red flag.

See less of your parents too.

You are surrounded by people who stress you out.

Step away from them.

Life will get immeasurably better.

Oh and expect him to deny he did anything wrong🙄a complete misunderstanding by you🙄

What Billy1966wrote.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a shedload of damaging lessons. See far less of them going forward. You may want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Your current choice of partner (and he is no good at all) is not that surprising given the rubbish blueprint you were handed by parents who also undermine you. Do not make this particular man a father to your child if you want to become a mother.

"Parents are difficult , but I would like to keep them in my life".

Ask yourself why that really is. That may well be your fear, obligation and guilt talking at you; three of many damaging legacies such parents leave their now adult children. Your boundaries here have been shredded by them and now further by your partner. Better to be on your own as well than to be so badly accompanied.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Likely not and your parents are infact no different.

The reason I want parents in my life is I can manage them on my own better without another enabler ( eg current partner)
My father has stage 4 cancer as well , and I don't know how long I will have him.

They did good things as well for me growing up and helped me have faith in my potential from a professional perspective. I am doing ok career wise , I trust myself and financially can manage well.

I need to work on my boundaries though, make them less important overall and share less with them so they can meddle less too.

I also don't have any siblings or extended family so I would be 100% on my own if I completely loose contact with them. Not to mention the energy it would take to do that and the subsequent drama and no one to talk to about that , it is not something I will wish to put myself through.

Why do you want to spend your time with someone who you think might find you unlikeable?

Because it's not a constant , it's in the moment that he found my reaction unlikeable.
He generally says he likes me / loves me. The relationship is not all bad.

But for me this was so important that what I am thinking is he disrespected me and it's not a healthy relationship to not care about what is really important to the other partner.

And afraid this will carry on if we have kids so the kids will also disrespect me as they will learn from him.

Am I overreacting ?

You're an adult, @bohoochik You decide what feels right for you or not. You decide how much you should react to things. There is no objective 'correct' level of reaction to this or anything else, and how you choose to respond is a representation of your character. Be who you are. Feel how you feel. Be unmitigated you, and don't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong. We have laws for that, and otherwise, it's a free for all. It's nothing to do with anybody else what you choose to do. Just like when you eat food, you say 'I'm not eating that, it's got broccoli in it', we can't tell you it's an over reaction, or appropriate, because it's down to you, and how much you like/don't like, how much you can handle/not handle.

People who respect themselves don't stay in relationships where someone else is disrespecting. Not even once. Not even a little bit.

You are not over reacting.

You have been told that clearly.

But if you are determined to talk yourself around, then that is what you will do.🤷🏻‍♀️

It will be you who will live with the consequences of having children with a twat who is passive aggressive towards you, doesn't like you, gaslights you and undermine you.

But if that is what you are happy to settle with and who you want to commit to, then that is your choice.🤷🏻‍♀️

All posters can do is warn you.

It might not be a constant thing but he deliberately undermined you and went against something he had previously agreed, knowing full well it was important to you. All relationships have ups and downs, as partners we will always have things we disagree on, but if he is willing to knowingly throw you under the bus now he will carry on doing it forever.
From what I read here he is not helping you or your relationship with your parents, he’s out to undermine you and make himself look good. I’d get rid now and not even consider having children with him, as you have guessed he would probably undermine you there aswell.

Why would you willingly bring an innocent child into a dysfunctional relationship? Please don't do that.

I can understand why you don’t know which way is up as your own DF totally invalidated your lived experience with his comments.

Your sense of self has been determined and manipulated by your DPs and now your DP.

It hurts and it’s confusing because others are undermining you and gaslighting your reality - that’s no existence at all.

What’s your DP agenda - are your parents wealthy / are you more financially stable than him?

The sometimes bad sometimes good is the trap that keeps us in toxic relationships. If a cup of coffee had 5% lump of shit in it you wouldn’t drink it. It’s the same thing here - you can’t isolate or compartmentalise the toxicity, belittling, gaslighting, undermining.

It’s pervasive and polluting.

Please stop the intergenerational rot.

This is not the experience of motherhood that you want or the childhood you want for any children - it’s horrific.

You can do this alone 1000% times better.

Your partner is showing no empathy towards you...this is such a red flag

We both live in my flat in central London and generally the costs are below mkt rate so would say I am slightly more financially stable and there is a slight benefit to him. However he is also quite solid financially and would easily afford to buy too.

My parents did well for themselves , not rich but decent.

I think I would be a good parent and provide emotionally as well as financially for a child, I want to also break this cycle. The way I see it one parent that validates a child , loves and supports them is way better than what I had.

The way I see it one parent that validates a child , loves and supports them is way better than what I had.

You are correct.

It’s also important that a parent is not undermined and diminished by the other as that takes away from their capacity to parent properly as they are preoccupied and unsettled by the negativity of the spouse - which means they don’t have full focus to attune to the emotional needs of the child. In your situation you can see how this man has left you emotionally distressed and rattled this weekend - your headspace and emotions are then drained by him. Additionally the child can’t connect with you and becomes confused and uncertain by your emotional state but all they can do is internalise it as anxiety or anger……and so their own emotional development is compromised.

Parenting a child takes rock solid emotional commitment from two parents on the same page. This character that you are with will make a total mess of it.

What is his relationship history?

What was his upbringing like?

What are his parents like?

I’m confused. It would be difficult for him to cold shoulder your parents when they are staying in the home you share with him. He’s not a robot. He is allowed to build a relationship with them. It seems to me that he was trying to build bridges.

And while expecting him to not invite them along for a walk, you are cross with your parents for not ‘seeing through’ his nice behaviour. I mean did you want him to be horrible to you all so they would agree he isn’t the one for you?

Sorry OP I think you maybe need to do some work here. Unless I’ve interpreted this wrong I think the issue may mostly have been with you during this visit. I hope you work things out with them all. X

@Catoo
He'd agreed with OP that he wouldn't get involved, then did, at her expense. You have, indeed, interpreted it wrongly.

@Ooolaaaala regarding the history :

He had only one relationship for 6 months before us and that was mostly long distance.

I believe his dad is doing financial abuse to his mom. He keeps all her pension and does not always give her money to spend. Generally him and his brother I don't find to be great to their own mother. But his brother to me seems happily married to a woman he supports and cares for and they have two young well adjusted and respectful boys. So history is not enough cause for me.

Also regarding the "him building bridges" , fine , but not when the other people have caused harm and upset. It is for the person who has been upset to take space and then decide on best approach. Especially when it was my ask to not get involved.