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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of support in partner

42 replies

bohoochik · 10/04/2023 15:07

Hi all,

My parents are visiting over Easter and it's been such an anxious period. My mom is very attention grabbing , even with my own friends and this is something she has done all her life. My dad is the enabler... so the relationship I have with them is very strained. Also only child.

I have asked my partner on this occasion before their arrival to NOT GET INVOLVED. In the past he did used to meddle , and never on my side. I said this is important to me and he agreed he will at the very least not get involved. Yet again my mom did her attention seeking behaviour so I altered plans on one afternoon politely , in order to get space away from the parents and de-escalate the situation. My partner immediately asked them if they would still like to come for that afternoon events anyway !!!
We had an argument just the two of us later, he generally got angry and says I was the rude one for not inviting them along in the end. The event was a walk in the park with dog and friend , nothing out of the ordinary btw.

I feel like the lack of support from him to deal with parents is a killer for me. Parents are difficult , but I would like to keep them in my life. I do need at least from him not to get involved on their side. People with difficult parents - please help with advice. My partner does not get why my moms ways upset me so much.
He admits she is attention grabbing , but he just says some people are more successful at it and it's a free for all....

If I was 20 things would be different ( no hesitation) , but I am turning 40 this year and I want a family of my own. I worry with this partner it will be him siding with any kids we would have and suddenly the whole pattern repeating again.

OP posts:
Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 22:07

He had only one relationship for 6 months before us and that was mostly long distance.

Assuming he is the same age as you and not 19….then this ‘relationship’ history is bizarre.

He basically hasn’t been in a relationship before - why?

Original poster
bohoochik · 11/04/2023 22:36

We have been together 6 years , 33-39 years old.

I told him now it's over. He did admit he loves the attention and probably why he was "kissing my parents ass all 4 days" ( his words). He said "maybe I am a narcissist , I do love the attention" ... I feel like an idiot! He was on my parents side to gain their support , especially during an argument, and thus their attention. My parents being attention seeking have welcomed it all!

Have I been dating my parents ?

I cannot let this be the reason why I am not going to have a family because it is now too late.

OP posts:
Catoo · 12/04/2023 11:41

There must be more to this? You are ending a relationship because your partner was really nice to your parents for weekend when they stayed in the home you both share presumably at your invitation?

It sounds like you were upset because his attention wasn’t on you all the time? I mean, usually when you have guests the attention is on them? I feel for your now ex partner. What was he supposed to do? Surely his behaviour was better than someone who refused to engage with your family etc etc?

Original poster
bohoochik · 12/04/2023 11:46

@Catoo thank you for the reply but that is what went down.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/04/2023 12:53

@Catoo

OP's partner has involved himself in a dynamic that he previously said he wouldn't, and that OP has told him specifically that she finds harmful to her. His feelings are with his own ego rather than OP's wellbeing.

Not quite sure what you're struggling to understand here.

Can you understand why it's good to feel like your partner has your best interests at heart, rather than getting their own ego stroked at the price of your wellbeing? It's perfectly possible to have guests and say things to them like 'Well, I'm not making any comments on that subject', or 'Probably best we don't get too deep into that subject, eh?' It's not necessary to 'refuse to engage', it's simply a case of being in charge of what you will and won't be drawn into in terms of subject matter, to minimise conflict. Perhaps you talk to everyone about whatever they want to talk about, but would you really be happy with your partner talking to your detriment to your parents, without considering trying to minimise the damage to you?

It's really not too hard to understand.

Riapia · 12/04/2023 13:04

The problem you have is that your partner like your parents is unable to accept that you are always right.

Manichean · 12/04/2023 13:08

If your partner does not have your back then there is no point to them.

Watchkeys · 12/04/2023 13:09

Riapia · 12/04/2023 13:04

The problem you have is that your partner like your parents is unable to accept that you are always right.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.

Catoo · 12/04/2023 13:11

bohoochik · 12/04/2023 11:46

@Catoo thank you for the reply but that is what went down.

OP it seems to me like you overreacted and took out historical problems between you and your parents on your DP.

He maybe found the battle for attention between you and your parents a bit petty/childish and thought you could all go for a walk together, have a nice time out, and move past it. He probably thought he could ‘solve’ it this way.

That may have been the wrong tactic, but I don’t think it was a big scheme to undermine you.

He knows your parents are important people in your life and quite rightly wants them to like him. He is a person in his own right and is allowed to speak to people in his own home!

I also probably think he agreed that he was a bit ‘attention seeking’ to try and placate you as you seem quite hung up on ‘attention seeking’. I bet he only said this because he cares about you and wants to put it right.

But anyway if you were already doubting the relationship (sounds like you already told your parents you doubted it) then maybe you were looking for a way out, you set this test, and he failed it. If so, you can now move on and look for someone more compatible. It’s not too late for a family and if you don’t want to be with him you shouldn’t stay just to have children. Sorry if I’ve been too honest with my thoughts here! I wish you all the best. x

billy1966 · 12/04/2023 13:15

He sounds awful.

6 years with a man who loves the attention of your parents🙄, undermines you, is PA, does the exact opposite to what you asked for in your dealing with your difficult parents🙄.

Sounds like you have been dating your parents and having a child with someone who never sustained a healthy relationship before you, is a red flag.

Glad to read you have ended things.

He is not a healthy future for you.

Don't inflict him on a child.

Original poster
bohoochik · 12/04/2023 13:17

I am not looking to have people say I am always right.

It was not even about agreeing with me that my mom's behaviour was attention seeking , it was about not getting involved on their side.

I don't like it if someone does not see my point of view , of course , but I can accept it. But this was not about that , it was about actively engaging to my detriment in order to gain their approval and attention over my well-being.

In fact the whole weekend I could see him doing it.

And he admitted he may be narcissistic in his ways and needs and wants attention without thinking if he hurts me.

If you think about it the best way to win someone over is to be on their side where there is a conflict. But when your partner is on the other side of that conflict you loose trust and love and care in the relationship.

He says it's fine, he will find someone else and likely will and he is financially stable and good looking , and 38 in men is ok while 39 in women ... tough if you want a child.
He also says he will try to find someone "without family issues".

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/04/2023 13:22

bohoochik · 12/04/2023 13:17

I am not looking to have people say I am always right.

It was not even about agreeing with me that my mom's behaviour was attention seeking , it was about not getting involved on their side.

I don't like it if someone does not see my point of view , of course , but I can accept it. But this was not about that , it was about actively engaging to my detriment in order to gain their approval and attention over my well-being.

In fact the whole weekend I could see him doing it.

And he admitted he may be narcissistic in his ways and needs and wants attention without thinking if he hurts me.

If you think about it the best way to win someone over is to be on their side where there is a conflict. But when your partner is on the other side of that conflict you loose trust and love and care in the relationship.

He says it's fine, he will find someone else and likely will and he is financially stable and good looking , and 38 in men is ok while 39 in women ... tough if you want a child.
He also says he will try to find someone "without family issues".

I think you have only just realised what an ugly nasty piece of work he is.

He sounds completely unhinged.

Some posters clearly don't get it, but you have written clearly IMO.

This is not someone to have a child with.

He absolutely sounds like a narcissistic headcase.

Watchkeys · 12/04/2023 13:58

He says it's fine, he will find someone else and likely will and he is financially stable and good looking , and 38 in men is ok while 39 in women ... tough if you want a child
He also says he will try to find someone "without family issues

Well, this sounds like it was designed to make you feel crap, too, OP, and says a lot about him. He's got a real 'I'm alright, Jack!' attitude, hasn't he?

Original poster
bohoochik · 12/04/2023 14:06

To clarify:

"He says it's fine, he will find someone else" the rest where I say he probably will as he is financially stable , 38, good looking , this is something I have added , he did not say that part.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/04/2023 14:10

He says it's fine, he will find someone else

This on its own shows where his allegiances lie: with his own ego. He didn't have to say this.

stringseleven · 12/04/2023 14:50

OP - you have made a postive move forward. Do seek counselling so that you can have guidance and build some support for yourself when you are around this triggering behaviour (you mention you do want to have a relationship with your parents. This will allow that).

As another poster said, it isn't about being right or wrong. A good partner cares about your feelings and supports you. This was not a good partner. Best wishes with your plans for the future, including having a family. Breathe and remind yourself that you have shown up for yourself today. Make no apologies for that.

Original poster
bohoochik · 12/04/2023 14:57

I love you all! Thank you for the lovely advice. I wish I could hug all of you, but instead I will pay it forward on mumsnet by offering advice like you have done to me.

OP posts:
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