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Original poster

Is scary driving abusive?

41 replies

BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 04:33

I have come out of a horrible relationship of 22 years.

I keep waking up between 3 and 4 am with a start after nightmares and then the worries kick in and I remember episodes of stbexh's behaviour.

He would sometimes drive really scarily. Aggressively. Would go through red lights, tailgate, speed. I remember one time in a small town, we were a bit late meeting his parents and he rode up onto pavements and through red lights to get to them.

I would ask him to drive more slowly or less aggressively and sometimes he would. But now I think it was all part of his power play, his bad sometimes vicious temper, letting me know who was in charge and perhaps even getting a thrill from scaring me and the dcs.

Is this common?

OP posts:
Hopingforbettertimesoon · 10/04/2023 04:48

Hi I hope you are okay OP.

I don’t really know but when I read your post it rang a bell with me. My marriage is currently disintegrating. My husband is always out, refuses to speak to me, won’t sleep in the same bed and numerous other things.

I have noticed too his driving is now really aggressive. He speeds constantly. Takes his hands off the wheel completely at high speeds to play on his phone. Refuses to slow down if I ask. Tailgates and flashes other drivers. It has got a lot worse recently.

I think you might be right about the power play. It is about control and use not being able to do anything about it. I also feel it is him showing me how young and virile he still is. Where as he sees me as middle aged and boring.

Any way just my thoughts. Stay strong OP.

OnMyOwnSoSad · 10/04/2023 04:48

I have the same problem. When I ask him to slow down he drives even more aggressively. It feels like a punishment to me. I'm making plans to leave. There is much more to it than just the driving, but it is symptomatic of the wider problems of a lack of respect.

Are there other issues besides the driving OP?

BritInAus · 10/04/2023 04:51

I'm so sorry that happened to you and am so pleased to hear you say you're now out of this awful relationship.

I don't know if it's common (I hope not!) but certainly agree that it's all part of power play/scaring you.

It definitely isn't normal.

Littlegoth · 10/04/2023 04:54

I’m terrified of driving on hills now because when my ex husband was mad at me he would drive at high speed through country roads and over the tops where we live. He told me that he could drive off the hill any time he felt like it, and once told me that he “almost” did it on a journey.

yes I think it’s abusive as it was him punishing me for disagreements by deliberately scaring me.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 04:58

@OnMyOwnSoSad oh yes loads of other issues.

Assault. Screaming abuse at me. Name calling. Financial abuse. Smashing up my phone. Cutting up my bank card. Confiscating my house key.

He's just managed to prevent my solicitor from representing me because of a silly mistake my solicitor made that was requested by him months ago. Now I have to find another solicitor at more expense.

He's vile and says he wants to make amends for a constructive co-parenting relationship post divorce but I want nothing to do with him. Nor do the dcs.

Obviously he will continue to abuse us financially but we will have to manage somehow.

I keep having nightmares and flashbacks.

When you're in such a relationship, it becomes your norm. Now I am out I feel huge relief but also great anxiety.

OP posts:
OnMyOwnSoSad · 10/04/2023 05:04

@BlastedPimples - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds horrific. I'm not yet out and I'm scared, but I need to do it. Hang on in there, it sounds as though you are being amazingly strong.

JauntyRedShoes · 10/04/2023 05:10

It is most certainly abusive. All part of a power play to show they are in control, to frighten and to say that your life is in their hands. It is deliberate risk taking that is dangerous combined with ignoring pleas to stop.

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 05:30

Yes 100 per cent this is common

its Dick heads control power play move

out the encyclopedia of The Great Dick heads Times Guide book to being one ect

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 05:30

Potentially dangerous common control powe move

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 07:26

Ironically he lost his license for something that was entirely not his fault.

I wonder how long the effects last. When will I stop waking up in the middle of the night, remembering. It affects my day and he's not even living with us anymore.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/04/2023 07:55

I've certainly seen it (road rage/dangerous driving) mentioned as part of the big picture of an abusive relationship. I think it's quite common as a behaviour of abusive partners.

I guess they've got you and the children completely at their mercy in a car and can terrorise you, without directly threatening you.

It sounds like you may have PTSD? I believe EMDR can be helpful.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 10/04/2023 08:06

Yes, 100% abusive, I don't know if it's common but I have experienced it, along with the 'I could crash and kill us all any time I liked' comments.

Have you spoken to your GP about the flashbacks? I had therapy on the NHS and it helped. Flowers

Floralsquirrel · 10/04/2023 08:08

On its own potentially they're just a shit driver, but it does show a lack of regard and respect for any passengers anyway. Along with the other things you've mentioned though I'd say absolutely it's abusive.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/04/2023 08:34

Counselling would help. Talking it through with someone may help to stop the nightmares. It's a form of post traumatic stress and not surprising considering what you have been through.

AgrathaChristie · 10/04/2023 08:44

Yes, all done to show his control and how he can scare you. And also probably his sense of entitlement to drive how he wants regardless of others.
Your waking at night is your brain processing all the abuse from the past years. It’s horrible but part of recovery. If you can speak to someone in real life, a counsellor, your GP, an organisation that supports survivors of abuse.
It will pass.

Leopardlives · 10/04/2023 09:36

Yes. My abusive ex used to brake suddenly every time there was a stop. It was only when we broke up and other people gave me a lift that I realised how bad it was

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 09:48

I expect I will feel very angry at some point and then I won't know where to put those feelings either.

I'm never giving him the satisfaction of knowing he's affected me so badly ever again.

OP posts:
coleslawsuzy · 10/04/2023 10:07

Hello - first of all, I'm so sorry you went through this. Secondly, just wanted to say that yes, I think it is abusive as it's what my narcissist ex used to do with me all the time. Both when it was just the two of us (I remember one time when we very nearly got hit side-on by a lorry because of it, it would have been catastrophic) and when my kids were in the car. This was just one of his many, many aggressive means of intimidation and tbh it was only when I got out of the relationship that I realised it. I've just 'celebrated' a year of being NC from him (despite all his efforts to contact me) and while it hasn't been easy, I'm so much happier without him. I found an amazing therapist who specialise in narcissistic abuse and that really helped me see his behaviour for what it was, as did the brilliant book Why Does He Do That? Lots of luck to you - your life will be so much better without this kind of atrocious behaviour in it x

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 10:26

Oh it's already so much better thank you @coleslawsuzy.

He will still try and bully us financially.

And he's trying to establish a case of parental alienation against me because the dcs simply want nothing to do with him for the time being. They all talk about changing their family names to my name when they're adults. I do dissuade them of that though because it simply cause drama and broohaha.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 10:28

@OnMyOwnSoSad I'm sad to read you too are feeling threatened and scared.

It's awful.

Can you start to quietly plan an escape?

Do you work? Can you put aside any money at all?

Once you start to take back a bit of control, you start to feel better and stronger.

I mean, I still feel very vulnerable and worried and anxious but I can see the relationship for what it was and how bad it was and it can only get better.

I wish you courage and strength and a better future.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 10/04/2023 10:57

My ex did this to scare me sometimes, knowing I was powerless in the car. Most of the time it was when he was having a spat with another driver and they'd race each other/tailgate etc. Thankfully he was a really good driver but it was terrifying. He grew out of it when he turned 30 and became a dad.

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 13:35

Scarey driving is highly abusive.

Well done for getting away.

Have you contacted Women's aid for support and advice?

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 10/04/2023 13:58

Yes of course it is. It is a show of absolute control and a threat on your life. I hope you manage to get yourself free and rid of him, OP.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 17:09

Why do you need to know? What will it do for you, having a label for this instance of him making you feel like shit?

N0T · 10/04/2023 17:15

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 17:09

Why do you need to know? What will it do for you, having a label for this instance of him making you feel like shit?

Id imagine it’s because she is trying to make sense of it all. It’s a way of dealing with the past abuse and working out how best to deal with the current abuse.

why do you find that hard to understand ?