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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is scary driving abusive?

41 replies

BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 04:33

I have come out of a horrible relationship of 22 years.

I keep waking up between 3 and 4 am with a start after nightmares and then the worries kick in and I remember episodes of stbexh's behaviour.

He would sometimes drive really scarily. Aggressively. Would go through red lights, tailgate, speed. I remember one time in a small town, we were a bit late meeting his parents and he rode up onto pavements and through red lights to get to them.

I would ask him to drive more slowly or less aggressively and sometimes he would. But now I think it was all part of his power play, his bad sometimes vicious temper, letting me know who was in charge and perhaps even getting a thrill from scaring me and the dcs.

Is this common?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 17:23

@N0T

The question was for OP. I'm trying to find out her motives for asking the question, which might help her to understand herself a bit better, rather than focussing on her ex.

I'm not finding anything hard to understand, but thanks for your concern.

LexMitior · 10/04/2023 17:24

Yes it is. The object is to frighten you and control you.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 17:30

Yes it is a form of terrorising and control.

I remember this came up in the Oscar Pistorious case.

As others have said you are having flashbacks and joining dots now that you are ‘safe’ and your brain has a bit more band width because you are not constantly in hyper-alert mode when you are poised 24/7 for fight, flight and freeze and in that state your brain can’t process.

Well done for the huge achievement you have done getting your children in to a calm and peaceful home.

Nailsandthesea · 10/04/2023 17:32

Absolutely.

it’s a power thing.

Not my ex but my narcissistic father. 5 foot nothing and always got the biggest car he could eg Mondeo estate
getting ready he insisted we all got in the car first and he found it stressful - then he would piss about going to to the toilet etc sometimes I would be in the car for an hour before we left for school.
constant braking if he felt someone was too close literally jerking down the road trying to make them crash into Us. Would get out and yell at other people violently and drive up behind people flashing them endlessly. Absolutely terrifying.

We would go on a family day out and he would storm off with the keys knowing we were buggered and unable to get home.

I left home and when ever I came back he would engineer a reason for me not to drive and I would insist on driving separately and he would not give me a front door key ever saying I wasn’t trustworthy - reality I was trustworthy and he wasn’t. Absolutely terrified the DCs.

we are now NC.

it takes a long time to realise you are free. But it’s not normal no and never has been.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 10/04/2023 17:35

I've been separated from XDH for over 15 years now and despite not seeing him from year to year some of the things he did still make me angry. But the frequency gets less and less, the level of anger fades, and my ability to just shrug my shoulders, give lovely DH a kiss and thank my lucky stars for it all being over has grown over the years.

So I would say expect it to keep happening, expect little flashes of insight to keep coming, but learn how to move on and not fester over it.

Ofcourseshecan · 10/04/2023 17:40

Is scary driving abusive?

YES!!! 100 times over. Abusive and life-threatening. I am so glad you will soon be free of this thug, OP.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 17:45

@Watchkeys it's just something that occurred to me as I remember more and more of what he'd done over the years.

It had never occurred to me that it was abusive per se. Just the way he liked to drive even though I had expressed worry and fear.

When you're on a relationship like that, abuse become wallpaper. You become more worn down. Accepting.

Having now left, I look back and am horrified by things that I didn't flinch at because I expected it. Like him smashing things when he felt I hadn't packed properly when moving house.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 17:47

@Watchkeys I suppose your perception gets skewed over the years.

I would really like to learn in future to avoid people like this from the off.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 18:03

BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 17:47

@Watchkeys I suppose your perception gets skewed over the years.

I would really like to learn in future to avoid people like this from the off.

It's not about your perception of right and wrong.

How did it make you feel when he drove that way?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 10/04/2023 18:28

I was really frightened some of the time. Sometimes he would sneer at me. Others he would slow down then speed up again. Other times he would drive exaggeratedly slowly.

And it is actually also about my perception of right and wrong. It's almost like I have to relearn what is acceptable and respectful behaviour in a relationship.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 18:38

It's almost like I have to relearn what is acceptable and respectful behaviour in a relationship

This is what informs you of what is right or wrong for you, and that's all that matter for you. You know when someone does something that hurts you. Something that feels wrong for you. You don't need anything else. If you can't bear people who eat raspberry yoghurts, for example, that's your prerogative. If you have a partner who eats them and does it in front of you on purpose, to piss you off, then that's not a good relationship for you. There's no good in us writing down for you what is good and bad in a relationship. You can google 'abusive behaviours', and that will narrow down all the things that are a)illegal or b) commonly regarded as abusive. But it won't help you to understand what's good and bad for you. You already know that violence is abusive, for example. You already know that controlling another person is abusive. But raspberry yoghurts won't be mentioned there, and if he ships in a pallet of raspberry yoghurts and keeps them by the bed, and sits eating it with his mouth open right in your face, several times a day until you cry with frustration, that's abuse, and the only way you would know is by respecting how you feel.

Your partner was doing something that frightened you, and you told him, and he did it more. That's all you need to know.

creaamontop · 10/04/2023 19:30

Mine did this too, and used to accuse me of taking the other guys side if I pulled him up on the tailgating, swearing, flashing at people for very little reason, driving over 100mph raging. Complete dick behaviour at the very least and yes, abusive too. I think back to these events and could slap him silly, and myself for taking it, especially with my kids in the car. He's a fucking psycho.

SweetSakura · 10/04/2023 19:35

My ex used to do this, it was terrifying. The worst was when Ds needed taking to hospital (GPs request) and he was so angry at having to drive us there and drove really badly, with me in the back trying to comfort DS who was in so much pain.

Cafcass thought he was a "lovely man" when they met him though Hmm

sweatervest · 10/04/2023 19:48

i used to experience that. him flicking middle fingers up at other drivers, speeding, goading other drivers. on motorways or non motorways.

it was petrifying.
there are a lots of absolute cunts out there (yes, mean people - i'm talking about you)

AnneWhittle · 10/04/2023 19:56

as most PPs have said, abusers frequently use a car as a way to scare and control women and children

I'm adding to this thread to say to those posters who have mentioned considering/planning to leave

*please make sure that your abuser cannot track your internet history and does not know your posting name**

Sicario · 10/04/2023 20:07

I really feel for you. I had the same with my highly-abusive exH including the driving-up-a-pavement because he was frustrated by the car in front taking too long. There were pedestrians on the pavement. He was (and remains) a dangerous psychopath. I had no idea when I married him having only been shown the charming side.

What you are describing is typical of c-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) with the unwelcome thoughts, night terrors and hyper-vigilance. It affects us for years, so it’s important for us survivors to learn about it and recognise what it is and where our triggers are.

The healing process is long.

I guess you already know that co-parenting with a person like that is impossible. You have to completely protect yourself (and your children) from him. I never received a penny in child support, but didn’t pursue it because it would have been more trouble that it was worth. He was only ever looking for control and conflict.

I also got taken to court multiple times claiming parental alienation, when of course he had been a highly abusive parent too and the DCs didn’t want to see him. They also changed their names when they were old enough.

Hang on in there and you are right about how it messes up your perspective when you are in that kind of relationship. But you will start to see things more clearly in time, and you will learn to trust your instincts and stay away from vexatious people. I can spot them a mile off.

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