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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent Treatment

46 replies

batabeelo · 09/04/2023 23:48

Hi Ladies

I am in a pickle. I married and moved cities recently, and dont know anyone where I am. My husband has turned out to be not so great. He does not communicate, I have hardly met any of his friends. And for the past 3 days he has refused to talk to me, the reason is because I am 'rude'. When I try to engage him, he shuts me down, laughs, and threatens to divorce me. I asked for confirmation if he will start the process as I can pull out of the flat purchase and move back home. Nothing, he goes quiet again.

I have moved out of the marital bed.

As we are recently married (6 months) I dont want to rush into a divorce, even though I clearly see the signs that he is attempting to emotionally abuse me. My mum and friends trivialise and say this is normal for first year. The point is I want to give things a year and then decide, if for no other reason than to save face.

My question is, if I left for a few days, would this escalate the situation? Or de-escalate? Also, has anyone experienced anything like this? Is there any hope?

FYI, I am familiar with abuse, and I detected no hints that he would be abusive in the 2 years that we dated.

OP posts:
Stripycatz · 09/04/2023 23:52

This is not normal for the first year and I suspect will only get worse. Don't go ahead with the flat sale; leave as soon as you can.

Jinglehop · 09/04/2023 23:56

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. Threatening to divorce is emotional abuse. Not being introduced to friends is a red flag. It will get worse no matter what you do. Don't bother about ‘saving face’. Pull out of anything that financially ties you move back home and start divorce proceedings. You don’t have to wait until things get worse it already sounds quite bad enough and it’s not your fault.

SunflowerTed · 10/04/2023 00:08

Threats are not healthy. You don’t have to tolerate a toxic marriage. I wouldn’t commit to buying a property with this man. There are also a lot worse things than losing face x

ThisIsNotAmerican · 10/04/2023 00:10

This has all happened too quickly and is a mistake. The best think to do is dissolve the marriage so the mistake can be corrected.

Moredrama · 10/04/2023 01:54

OP don’t buy a flat with him until the issues are resolved.
I had some issues with DH and refused to buy a joint house until things are as they should be between us. The less things you have to untangle in the event of divorce the better.

If you want to sort things out with him then don’t move out (unless you become at risk of course), it’s hard to resolve things when you’re apart as the basic communication isn’t even there.
That said, if he’s got form for this behaviour and you know it will be unbearable then leave for a day or two.

If you want to leave permanently then don’t worry about the short length of your marriage. I tied myself up in knots over this but the reality is that peoples opinions are their business, your mental health and happiness is your business.
I stayed and it’s been damn hard. But once I got past the year mark I suddenly felt a weight had been lifted because I no longer cared about what people may think if I made the decision to end it.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 10/04/2023 01:59

Your Mum & friends need to stop trivialising! This is far from normal, first year or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2023 02:04

I dont want to rush into a divorce

You should be sprinting to a solicitor's office. You can't possibly get divorced fast enough.

What you have been dealing with already is barely the tip of the iceberg with this man.

You honestly can't get away fast enough. Leave. Leave right fucking now. Gather your things and get the fuck out of there.

Namechanger2n2 · 10/04/2023 02:13

Please don't worry about saving face. Worry about saving your sanity. His behaviour is appalling. Another six months of this could wreck your mental health. Don't pay heed to your friends and family who tell you to give it a shot. This may be the tip of the iceberg. It isn't your fault that he's an arsehole.

givingupchocolatemonday · 10/04/2023 02:32

Hard to say wether it is emotional abuse, people are too quick to jump on that bandwagon after you have wrote a few sentences.
However, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Thepossibility · 10/04/2023 03:38

Not normal at all. Sorry OP you seem to have married a cunt

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 03:46

Hi Op 👋

You do realise this is still classed as The Honeymoon period of a marriage/Relantship

It really not going to get any better

This is as good as it will get ever...

In fact it could get even worse as the years go by in some ways,

Why would he want to change anyway if you seem ok just going along rolling with it,

Don't get into society crap trap of staying in this relationship to see if it can work out improve ,

When the reality is that society expections has what got you into this Crap relationship in the very first place Op@batabeelo

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 03:49

This period of time in a marriage should be fun like adventure together ❤️ getting to know each other,
It sounds to me he has become very quicky so Comfortable and Complacent now he has got wedding band on

snitzelvoncrumb · 10/04/2023 03:50

There is no shame in getting a divorce. You don’t want to spend your life with his person.

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 03:55

That he feels very secure and comfortable to be who he really is

Goodread1 · 10/04/2023 03:56

Oops typo mistake omissions quickly

PaigeMatthews · 10/04/2023 04:11

Leave. Nobody elses opinion matters other than yours. Silent treatment is coercive control.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 10/04/2023 04:37

Dear OP

please leave now. Don’t buy a flat, don’t get pregnant. Go and start start afresh. For me this was how things started. Silent treatment from my husband for the slightest wrong (in his eyes) eg talked to a taxi driver, (husband was there it was not at all flirtatious he was telling us about his son!). Told husband at a big group meal that a dish was for someone else - it had pork in it as well which he does not eat so I was trying to help too. Said I was tired in front of his brother. The list is so endless I would be writing for days.

I have been constantly walking on eggshells as his moods can last days. He became even worse once our kids were born. My mother also tried to laugh it off told me it was normal etc. even told me not to leave him(she did not want the shame of a divorce). Now though he has started on her too so she says this was a mistake on her part.

we are now at a stage where my husband is barely talking to me. Refuses to even sleep in the same room, treats our home like a hotel and basically seems to hate me. I wish I had taken note of his early behaviour.

Please don’t worry what others will think. Anyone who knows what this is like will tell you well done for leaving.

I think the fact this started after your marriage shows he feels he has you trapped. It is likely to get worse once you have kids. Also that you have moved to a different city is not good as it isolates you.

Please take care of yourself OP and walk away.

StopStartStop · 10/04/2023 05:16

Don't buy a flat.
Don't get pregnant.
Do leave.
You could have a happy life. Why be miserable 'to save face'?

Opentooffers · 10/04/2023 07:11

I fail to see what difference 6 months or a year makes in 'saving face'. In fact the sooner you do it, the more it looks like you are not someone who puts up with shitty behaviour. Just tell people he changed as soon as married. Avoid all joint purchases meantime. You're more likely to leave with what you had the shorter the marriage.

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 07:13

It’s not normal. Go home to your family.

isthewashingdryyet · 10/04/2023 07:17

Is a saved face worth your mental health ?
And you stand to lose actual money if you buy together, so at the very least stall on this one. In fact, get on line now and put your money in a one year fixed rate account that will cause difficulties if you try to withdraw it.

And listen to all the wise women here. Has anyone of us said stay, he sounds perfect ?

Bemyclementine · 10/04/2023 07:22

OP please don't stick it out to save face. This is not going to get any better. My exH did the silent treatment too. It's awful, and yes that alone is emotionally abusive. Don't buy a property with him, sbd hotfoot it down to the solicitor.

I stuck it out for far too long. Had children. So although we've split up, I'm stuck with him still trying to control me.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/04/2023 08:21

Get out as fast as you can.

ChristmasFluff · 10/04/2023 09:52

Leave for good. Abusers don't get better, they only get worse. You know how this situation goes, you've been in an abusive relationship before.

He thinks he 'has you' because you are isolated and married. He doesn't. Get out now, before things become more entangled.

Pull out of the flat purchase and move home. Get the divorce, and be glad you recognised the signs this time around.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/04/2023 09:54

Oooh dear

I had two exes that did this
one I lived with
one just went off radar

it’s a sign of someone who is unwilling or unable to communicate

I’d not judge you for running for the proverbial hills and not making any further complicated financial commitments

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