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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent Treatment

46 replies

batabeelo · 09/04/2023 23:48

Hi Ladies

I am in a pickle. I married and moved cities recently, and dont know anyone where I am. My husband has turned out to be not so great. He does not communicate, I have hardly met any of his friends. And for the past 3 days he has refused to talk to me, the reason is because I am 'rude'. When I try to engage him, he shuts me down, laughs, and threatens to divorce me. I asked for confirmation if he will start the process as I can pull out of the flat purchase and move back home. Nothing, he goes quiet again.

I have moved out of the marital bed.

As we are recently married (6 months) I dont want to rush into a divorce, even though I clearly see the signs that he is attempting to emotionally abuse me. My mum and friends trivialise and say this is normal for first year. The point is I want to give things a year and then decide, if for no other reason than to save face.

My question is, if I left for a few days, would this escalate the situation? Or de-escalate? Also, has anyone experienced anything like this? Is there any hope?

FYI, I am familiar with abuse, and I detected no hints that he would be abusive in the 2 years that we dated.

OP posts:

Nailsandthesea · 10/04/2023 09:56

Stripycatz · 09/04/2023 23:52

This is not normal for the first year and I suspect will only get worse. Don't go ahead with the flat sale; leave as soon as you can.

Leave and go for an annulment if you can

if you can’t wait 6 months and divorce him

were you pressured or deceived into the marriage?

please leave

my ex did this within days of being married - it is controlling -and no it’s not normal

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:02

@Moredrama Thank you for this. The thing with the flat is that we are already days from signing the papers. I know that untangling financial issues is tricky, but pulling out at the last minute feels very knee jerk.

I want to get to the year mark, I have had bugger of a few years and cant deal with having my drama aired yet again.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I will leave for a few days just to get some breathing space, and hopefully my brain will have defogged

OP posts:

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:05

@givingupchocolatemonday I know ppl on the net are quick to jump, and emotional abuse can only be 'proved' through patterns of behaviour. part of me writing the post was to write it down. part was to see what people's experiences are. Thank you for pointing this out <3

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 10/04/2023 10:07

My ex used to do this. Though I never attempted to talk to him, I used to just ignore him back. It once went on for 6wks. I’d never stay in that environment again

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:07

@Hopingforbettertimesoon thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps.

OP posts:

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:07

@Opentooffers fair point

OP posts:

EyeC · 10/04/2023 10:09

I definitely wouldn't be buying a flat with him, when it comes to splitting up (which you probably will) he will make things very difficult for you.
Get out now whilst you don't have children and property hanging over your head.
You've only been married a few months, these should be the happiest times of your life.

He's showing you who he is, believe him, leave him and work on rebuilding your life.

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:09

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks, the hills are looking very welcoming

OP posts:

Original poster

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:09

@Zanatdy 6 weeks OMG!

OP posts:

ree348 · 10/04/2023 10:10

Hi, sorry you are going through this. I don't think You cannot file for divorce <12 months of marriage, the only option will be to file for an annulment but those can be tricky. Seek legal advice and definitely DO NOT buy a flat with him. When people show you how they really are, believe them.

ree348 · 10/04/2023 10:11

*can (not cannot)

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 10:35

This is NOT normal! This is your honeymoon period; you're meant to be showing each other the best dude of yourselves.

I'd pull out of the that purchase and go back home. No need to start divorce proceedings yet if you don't want to, but get some space and perspective from him.

mildlydispeptic · 10/04/2023 10:50

How long have you known him, OP? Sorry this is happening. Very difficult situation that there's so much time pressure to sign the papers.

Comtesse · 10/04/2023 10:56

This is not normal. Not at all.

isthewashingdryyet · 10/04/2023 10:59

Do the sums, how much do you lose if you pull out of the flat purchase, and how much if you buy and need to sell almost straight away.

We have all lost a buyer at the last minute, and while annoying, it is not a huge hassle for the seller. But you could lose all your savings and be tied to him for a long while , which is not worth it.

think very carefully before you sign

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 11:00

Get out whilst u can.

Slothmomma · 10/04/2023 11:06

Why put yourself through another 6 months of this, and add further financial ties, just to save face?! Live your life for you, not others. Get out now and don't give a dam what people may or may not think

Moredrama · 10/04/2023 13:06

batabeelo · 10/04/2023 10:02

I want to get to the year mark, I have had bugger of a few years and cant deal with having my drama aired yet again.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I will leave for a few days just to get some breathing space, and hopefully my brain will have defogged

With the flat situation, yes it feels less practical when so close to signing contracts but if you’re having doubts about the future of your marriage then this is a small price to pay. Lots of sales fall through. For you as a couple, if you can work through things then there’s no reason you can’t look to buy something next year instead (and likely the prices will have come down a bit).

If you go ahead and buy anyway, just be mindful that you only match what he pays; so no big deposits from you on the agreement that he will pay a bit more on mortgage, as a lot of couples do, because you’ll never get that money back.
Also if you decide to leave in a few months or a year, the value of the flat could be much less, so there’s that financial impact to consider.

You have to be married for a year anyway before applying for a divorce (so in terms of worrying what people will think, you won’t actually be divorced until 18-24 months of getting married at least), but that doesn’t mean you can’t leave sooner if you feel it’s all too much.

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 13:12

Absolutely not normal.

I can imagine it is very daunting but do not commit further finances when clearly you are only now seeing the truth.

Pack those bags, go home.

Don't sucknit up and get further entangled.

His behaviour is not normal.

You will bitterly regret not leaving.

Time to be brave.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/04/2023 13:15

You should still be in your honeymoon period. Instead your relationship and husband sound like a burden that will only get worse. Why try to save face? It's better to cut your losses now. I assume you don't have a child with him. & I see you've not bought property with him as yet. He thinks now you're married he has you where he wants you, and is making your life unpleasant. I wouldn't accept the silent treatment from anybody, my bar is very low for people with the nerve to think they can enter my life then make it unhappy. It's not about what other people think, its about your happiness and peace of mind and avoiding anything and anybody who is callous about that.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/04/2023 13:15

My ex used to do this. Though I never attempted to talk to him, I used to just ignore him back. It once went on for 6wks. I’d never stay in that environment again

6 weeks ! Mine (both !) would go months 😂

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