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Original poster

So called male friend crossing boundaries

70 replies

Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 21:48

I have a male friend who I met at my previous place of work in around 2017. He wasn’t from around where I live, he lives much further up north but we would speak frequently on the phone about work related things at work.

I left my job after maternity leave about 2 years after this and we stayed in touch on Facebook and around the same time myself and my ex split and him and his partner split up. I really felt like we had created a good friendship bond, we got on really well and we was there for each other during our break ups and ever since we have stayed in contact speaking on the phone not as regularly as before but I’d say once a month and we would text and check in about once a fortnight.

he met a new partner about 3 years ago and they split up a few month back. He had confided in me that she enjoyed a drink a bit too much on nights out and she would frequently get so drunk she couldn’t stand up and he was extremely worried. He said he had given her an ultimatum and said it’s the drink or him and she had apparently chosen the drink so she moved out etc.

I know he is devastated by this and he claims he’s had a break down (I do believe that).

anyway, he phoned me about 3 weeks ago and asked if it would be ok for him to come down (he’s been to my house before so I was comfortable with it) and stay over(never stayed over before), we could go out for tea and have a catch up and also that he was due at a meeting close to where I live for 10am so it would save him travel time. I thought ok no problem, makes sense and it would be good to see him in person as the last time we saw each other was in October last year.

i said will be he ok sleeping in the spare bedroom and he said no he would rather cuddle with me… I laughed it off and said the spare room will have to do for him and he said that’s fine.

so he arrived at my house and straight away I could smell stale alcohol on him. We set off in a taxi to a local pub to get our tea and he was telling me again about the break up.. but this time he told me a totally different story as to why this happened. I didn’t question this, just made a mental note of it.
I got my tea but he didn’t get any food just sank back a few pints and then I suggested we should leave as it was about 8.30/9pm by this point.

he insisted on stopping at a petrol station on the way home and getting some wine, I said I was ok for any more drinks (I had 2 gins at the pub, I’m not a big drinker but I was happy knowing I was within my limits). We got back to mine and he polished this bottle of wine off in record time. He was moving closer and closer to me on sofa and eventually had his hand on my leg which i brushed off but put it down as he was comfortable with me.

anyway about 12 I was more than ready for bed, I was dropping hints yawning etc and then thought why am I dropping hints in my own house and said I’m going to bed but if you want to stay up you can do (I trusted him) he said no I’ll go to bed as well. I went upstairs first quickly put my pjs on, shut my door and got into bed and went to sleep.

About 4am he came in my room and woke me up by lifting up my quilt and ushering me to move up which I did in a sleepy haze and he got in bed and started spooning me.. I wasn’t very comfortable with this but he said he was cold in the spare room and I thought that maybe he felt a bit sad and lonely given what he was going through so I allowed it.

he started touching me and groping me and asked if I wanted to do this and I said no I know you’ve got a lot going on at the minute and he said ok no problem and resumed the spoon… and then he started again. I was stiff As a board, legs clamped shut I don’t believe I was giving him any indication that i wanted this to carry on but for some reason I allowed it. He didn’t have sex with me, he was touching me under my pj top and eventually got to down there. I was thinking should I just do it? Or not?

i let him do it but I don’t know why. I didn’t enjoy it and wanted him to stop but I don’t know why I didn’t say anything.

he stayed in my bed for the rest of the morning and left about 10am but I just wanted him to leave but as silly as it sounds I didn’t want to come across as rude!!

I haven’t spoke to him since he left but I feel upset by him getting into bed with me and the touching happening. I feel like he had used me to make himself feel better and I have really seen him in a different light now especially with the discrepancy in the break up story and I think he is a narcissist from this new story he told me.. I think at the time I was a bit worried about the situation I had found myself in, with him having so much to drink on assuming an empty stomach and this new light I have become to see him in. I just wanted it over.

I don’t want to through around the SA word but I really do think he has over stepped the mark after twice being told no (1. To the sleeping arrangement and 2. When he asked me if I wanted to) but I don’t know if I’m just feeling ashamed and a bit guilty about the whole thing

sorry that it’s so long I wanted to get everything in.

please be kind in your responses 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 21:51

Side note my child was with their dad at the time of this happening

OP posts:
GhostBridezilla · 09/04/2023 21:53

100% overstepped the mark. End the friendship and tell him exactly why. I’d also call 101 and report it as a crime.

mynameiscalypso · 09/04/2023 21:57

I'm so sorry. He absolutely assaulted you. If you feel up to it, please report it to the police. He's an absolutely vile piece of shit. Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong and this is all on him.

User0610139736 · 09/04/2023 21:57

I’m really sorry this happened
he was 100% in the wrong, I can relate to what you’ve said about not wanting to be rude as I am an extreme people pleaser. I know for myself having just got out of a relationship that was wrong and I was treated badly in that j let go on far too long… that I need to work on my boundaries and assertiveness. Maybe something tj think about too but he was 100% to blame here. You said no. He took advantage of your kind nature.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 22:00

Yes he did overstep the mark. End the friendship.

Turnipworkharder · 09/04/2023 22:02

He's a complete and utter raping bastard.

He's 100% at fault and it sounds like he planned it all.

RedToothBrush · 09/04/2023 22:06

He sexually assaulted you.

He's not your friend.

Break all contact with him.

HappyMe6 · 09/04/2023 22:07

Oh he planned it allright! Taking advantage of your good nature! He knew what he was going to do from the get go, testing the waters by saying he’d rather cuddle with you. Sorry this happened to you. Get rid of him, he’s no friend!

category12 · 09/04/2023 22:10

Yes, sounds like he planned it from the get-go.

I'd cut him out of my life.

Comedycook · 09/04/2023 22:10

Never ever see him again. He is a predator.

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 22:13

Hi Op

He took advantage of you and the situation he was in with you,

He came back to your place with hidden Agenda of manipulation of the situation he was in back at your place

To boost his hurt fragile ego after somewhat messy break up,

He was Totally in the wrong, !

You Need to ditch/ fade this friendship out for Good,

work on ensuring you have healthy strong boundaries in place in future

Take care of yourself

You are well within your rights to report this to the Police as its classed definitely as sexual Assault

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 22:14

I do think he sounds Predater nature too.

Butterfly44 · 09/04/2023 22:15

None of this is on you. You gave no signals and he did not care and went ahead anyway. He took advantage of you - your good nature, your politeness, your body.
He's no friend. If he did this so casually I imagine he would do it again to someone so I would absolutely report it. Next time he might think he can get away with more.
Imagine someone else telling you this happened to them and what your reaction would be.
The break up story he gave sounds like a reverse - he's the alcoholic.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Talk to someone irl.

PeachPiePrincess · 09/04/2023 22:17

In scary situations a self preservation response is to freeze and acquiesce. Don't blame yourself for not saying anything, your instinct was to keep yourself safe and not anger this predatory man

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 22:19

Having a re think it does sound like it was a somewhat made up story to garner some sympathy from you ,

In reality he was the Alcholic ,
It's a reverse story like ubove poster

That makes more sense

Original poster
Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 22:21

Thanks for your comments. I felt totally weirded out but the whole situation. It’s just not sat right with me since.

in most definitely going to block him on everything but I’m in two minds do I message and call him out? I don’t want him to turn up to my house unexpected.

he knows me very well as I have been really open with him and he knows that I would not have been up for a ONS or anything as he knows I am looking and waiting for the right relationship. I feel so angry. But also determined that it isn’t going to set me back.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 09/04/2023 22:24

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 22:13

Hi Op

He took advantage of you and the situation he was in with you,

He came back to your place with hidden Agenda of manipulation of the situation he was in back at your place

To boost his hurt fragile ego after somewhat messy break up,

He was Totally in the wrong, !

You Need to ditch/ fade this friendship out for Good,

work on ensuring you have healthy strong boundaries in place in future

Take care of yourself

You are well within your rights to report this to the Police as its classed definitely as sexual Assault

This. I am so sorry this happened to you op.

TheVanguardSix · 09/04/2023 22:30

Despite your boundary setting, pulling up the drawbridge and all, that fucker insisted on swimming the moat and scaling the walls. I’m so sorry for you, OP. The fact that he was so pissed and so predatory is really scary. Empathy and fear erode boundaries. It’s called self preservation. And you feel so awful afterwards because the person you’ve really let down is you.
This will likely cost your friendship but that’s not a bad thing. He’s no friend. He’s also a hot fucking mess. Who needs that? 💐

tara66 · 09/04/2023 22:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 22:34

I don’t have a lock on my door and I never thought he would do this. I told
him the spare room and foolishly thought he would respect my boundary. Otherwise I wouldn’t have allowed him to come down

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 09/04/2023 22:34

Please forgive me if my post sounds as if I’m putting some sort of ‘responsibility’ onto you. Not at all, OP! You were sexually assaulted by someone you deeply trusted, a friend who deceived you. It’s really awful.

Original poster
Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 22:51

No I understand what you mean, but you’re right. Kicking myself now. And the fact I sleep in this bed every night makes me feel like I want to dispose of the whole thing!!

I’ve sent him a message telling him he’s taken advantage of me and my body and why did he come in my room when I said no and why did he carry on when I said no and to never contact me again, not that he will have a chance to response as he is blocked on all of my social media platforms and his personal and work number. I felt sick sending it but then I thought he didn’t feel sick about what he had done to me or feel any remorse in that moment, so why should I be worried about upsetting him.

I’m counting it as a bravery victory

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/04/2023 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She presumably didn't think that a bloke she knows would sexually assault her just because he was drunk.

And most people don't (I think?) have locks on their bedroom doors at home.

virginpinkmartini · 09/04/2023 22:59

This makes me so angry. These men that pretend to be friends only to take advantage of your trust and vulnerabomb you.

So sorry OP.

mynameiscalypso · 09/04/2023 23:22

Namechange0519 · 09/04/2023 22:51

No I understand what you mean, but you’re right. Kicking myself now. And the fact I sleep in this bed every night makes me feel like I want to dispose of the whole thing!!

I’ve sent him a message telling him he’s taken advantage of me and my body and why did he come in my room when I said no and why did he carry on when I said no and to never contact me again, not that he will have a chance to response as he is blocked on all of my social media platforms and his personal and work number. I felt sick sending it but then I thought he didn’t feel sick about what he had done to me or feel any remorse in that moment, so why should I be worried about upsetting him.

I’m counting it as a bravery victory

I totally understand. I was assaulted in similar circumstances (although I was 'lucky' that I was sleeping in my spare bed rather than my actual bed) but I couldn't even go back in the room for ages. Look after yourself and reach out for support if you need it.

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