Resent always helping my mum

[JarOfRocks]

My parents divorced when I was a child. My mum's emotional health and financial position have been poor since. She's a lovely person but can also be manipulative at times. She did not handle divorce well and was not 'strong' or protective of her children's mental wellbeing (we knew all the gory details of dad's affairs etc). Example, she'd make me feel bad if I went out on NY Eve with friends and she was home alone. Didn't ask me not to go but gave the sad eyes and forlorn expression. So nothing big or abusive, but emotionally manipulative (I believe, anyway) and just given here as an example for context that the issues, as such, were small but always present.

I felt that at some point in my teen years our roles switched and I almost became the parent to her, even now I don't tell her any of my problems/worries. In the absence of a partner, rather than crack on with things, she's always asking my sibling and I to do things for her e.g looking after her dog if she's out for the day, driving her to hospital appointments, helping pack the house up when she moved last year etc. I would like to know if I am being unreasonable for resenting this and if I can/should say no sometimes. Or is this normal and what kids should do for parents? She's mid-60s BTW so not particularly elderly. I work and have my own young kids and two dogs, yet at the moment the expectation is I should drive to her house once or twice a week to walk her dog and take her car out for a run around as she's injured her knee. I barely have time to walk my own dogs and I hate driving her car! I told her this was too much, to be greeted with a sad face and a list of reasons as to why it's easy for me to do these things.

I don't know if I am right to feel resentful or if my upbringing has just given me an intolerance of 'weakness', as I see it, and I am being mean to be fed up with it. I know if I were in her position I would just pay a dog walker for some walks and accept the dog won't be exercised as much over the coming weeks, then get back to it when my knee was better.

It's pretty selfish if you have DC and dogs yourself.

Very selfish of her.

But her manipulation works so why would she change.

Only you can change this dynamic.

Stop answering her calls, get back to her after a couple of days.

Tell her you will no longer walk the dog or drive her car.

No discussion.

Take a few weeks break from her and tell her you will get in touch when things calm down for you.

I think you need to be as ruthless as she has been.

Making you feel bad for going out is awful.

Good parents don't guilt their children for doing normal things.

Parentification is something you should look into.

It does real long term damage to a child.

You need to pull back and take some space.

Some counselling would be great if you had time.

Selfish people like your mother rarely can be talked round to think of others.

You really need to protect and mind yourself so that you remain well for your children.

Thank you. It's weird to hear her referred to as selfish. She's very helpful and kind to other people, so not necessarily selfish. I just think of her as weak and needy. Which, over time, has just worn me down. I feel like I should be helping her but in all honesty, I'm at a stage in my life (young kids, dogs, house stuff, work etc) where all I do seems to be for other people and i'm so sick of it. I just long for a life where my parents were still married and sorting this shit out for themselves, rather than separate and relying on my help. Everything she talks to me about now I just see it through the lens of needy-ness.

You see helping her move, as a one off, feels totally right to me.

Asking you to look after the dog, come over twice a week to help her etc… is NOT ok. And this is regardless of whether you are married, have dcs etc… of your own!
It nearly feels like she has replaced your dad and his help and presence with you and your siblings.

I agree. Time for her to grow up, stop acting like a child and regain some independence.

What are your siblings saying about it?

And what would happen if you start saying NO and out boundaries in place? Something like ‘I have a lot going on with dcs and family just now so I can only come over on Friday pm after I’ve picked the dcs up. I Hope you understand’ and then remind her if the new arrangement each time she is asking for ‘help’.

Incredibly selfish of her. I would be fearful for the future and her increasing demands of you as she ages. What are her plans for coping as she gets older?
Maybe start to say no and encourage reliance on outside help.

Your mum sounds exhausting and if she is only in her sixties you could have another 25 to 30 years of her demands.

I think you need to toughen up start saying no to her constant demands and learned helplessness.

She's mid 60s so really should be able to be independent in most things.

Your life at the stage you are in is mad busy and relentless,focus on your own wee family. She sounds like she wasn't a very good mum and I wouldn't feel very inclined to attend to her endless demands.

Decide what you will and won't do and stick firmly to your boundary. Be prepared for her upping the ante with her manipulative behaviour but stand still.

Well done identifying her manipulation and excessive demands,once you've seen it you can't unsee it.

Focus on yourself and your own family,you owe your mother nothing and don't deserve to be treated this way. Good luck x

I think it’s your relationship isn’t great, rather than what she’s asking? I do a lot more for my DM than what you describe. However my DM is an absolute gem. She would do anything for anyone, including me. She’s in her eighties and not in great health, arthritis- but despite her pain she’s a happy soul.

But she IS being selfish. And manipulative, with all the sad faces.
Nothing you’ve written describes a person who is “lovely” as you put it.
She can’t blame her neediness on her divorce after all these years. She’s choosing to be like this because it’s easy.
I’m only slightly younger than her, work full time, have a disability and health conditions, and would not dream of leaning on anyone like this let alone my daughter. You’re both adults. You are a busy adult with responsibilities, she is a not busy adult with fewer responsibilities. She has more time than you. If she needs a dog walker she should pay one, or use Borrow My Dog.
If you don’t start saying no now, she’ll be intolerable in 10 years time and you’ll be run ragged.

A few of you have mentioned about what will happen as she ages, and this is what I am fearful of. She's awful when she's ill. Wanting to be looked after like a child. I do wonder if some of this goes back to an unhappy childhood and subsequent unhappy marriage, the longing to be looked after. So I worry about the neediness getting worse as she gets older and encounters more health problems. Whereas I would hate people pandering after me and just want to be left on my own when ill. But then this is what I can't get my head around, is she unreasonable or is it simply because we are different people who manage things in different ways and therefore I am unreasonable for being frustrated by her!

Also, setting boundaries as someone suggested is a good idea. I think I should help with medical/house stuff. But anything with the dog and car i think I will just start to say no to.

Yes, this .

But is it the relationship that's not great, or me?! I don't think anyone on here will be able to answer that!

There's a huge difference between someone in their mid 60s like OP's mother, and someone in their 80s like yours, who also has arthritis. OP's mother was driving her own car before she hurt her knee, so she can't be in bad shape.

Several of us have said it's her not you, and that this isn't a normal level of support for a mid 60s person to expect from their extremely busy daughter. She is not old, or disabled, or helpless. She's just got used to guilt tripping you into being her servant and taxi driver.

Did she go out to work? Some women who were stay at home mothers have absolutely no idea how gruelling it is to work, and look after kids and a home, let alone run around doing errands for a parent as well.

She was a stay at home parent when I was young, then worked part time for a bit when I started school, then full time. But she found it v stressful and retired early a few years ago (bad financial decision but better for the mental/emotional health I mentioned earlier). But she never experienced running around after her parents. So not pulled in both directions, as I feel I am. She is dealing with the effects of poor financial decisions and a divorce where she was screwed over, which I also feel resentful of (towards my dad, not just her).

They divorced when you were a child though. She's had years to move on. Millions of women have bad experiences like that and go on to do OK. Her divorce all those years ago is no reason for her to lean so heavily on you now.

Helping an elderly parent to move is normal. Driving to appointments is nice sometimes as a companionship thing, but should not be needed every time. Walking the dog twice a week if she's not able to walk them herself, is something she should budget for a dog walker.

This is a dynamic I've witnessed a few times with the parents of friends.

The ones who've never had any caring duties themselves seem to be the most demanding of care for their own children.

By way of contrast, others (including my own parents) who have looked after elderly/unwell parents (not that your DM is in that specific category) have made sensible forward plans in respect of their future care and independence.

You need to set some firm boundaries now.

Support in situations of extremis are one thing, but at her age you shouldn't fall into the trap of "servant".

We all need to cut our cloth according to our age abilities without expectation that others will fill the gaps we start to struggle with.

I've seen adult children absolutely exhausted by the demands placed on them by their parents to the point of impacting the children/grandchildren severely.

Frankly I think it's a form of emotional abuse that goes utterly unregistered because the victims of it are almost all women.

Notably in my social circle the "loving sons" have no such expectations put upon them, even when their wives (so not even the biological child) do.

You need to tell her no!

I know it's hard but you will end up being her carer and your DC will suffer.

My DM had me parent her as a child. And wanted me to continue doing it even when I had a child of my own. There is only one of you and your actual children need you.

I felt with my DM that my life was of no consequence and it's horrible.

She needs to finally grow up. Like we've all had to.

I think helping your mum move house, looking after her dog occasionally and taking her to hospital appointments if she can’t get there herself sounds perfectly normal and reasonable. If she’s starting to rely on you too much and is overstepping boundaries and expecting you to do pretty much everything for her if she’s capable of doing it herself, then that sounds too much. There’s a balance between helping her out as you might help any parent/sibling/friend and being a complete doormat.

Sounds like yr dads actions affected her MH and instead of getting help u all just muddled through.
if u r no longer happy running around after her, tell her.

Op be careful our mam is quite needy now at 80. Your mam is young. She prob got used to things done for her.. we help but have our own lives. Have your boundaries tight

What would your DM do if you didn't live locally ?

Perhaps she asks you to do things, so that you go round to visit ?

Do you do anything socially together ?