Resent always helping my mum

[JarOfRocks]

My parents divorced when I was a child. My mum's emotional health and financial position have been poor since. She's a lovely person but can also be manipulative at times. She did not handle divorce well and was not 'strong' or protective of her children's mental wellbeing (we knew all the gory details of dad's affairs etc). Example, she'd make me feel bad if I went out on NY Eve with friends and she was home alone. Didn't ask me not to go but gave the sad eyes and forlorn expression. So nothing big or abusive, but emotionally manipulative (I believe, anyway) and just given here as an example for context that the issues, as such, were small but always present.

I felt that at some point in my teen years our roles switched and I almost became the parent to her, even now I don't tell her any of my problems/worries. In the absence of a partner, rather than crack on with things, she's always asking my sibling and I to do things for her e.g looking after her dog if she's out for the day, driving her to hospital appointments, helping pack the house up when she moved last year etc. I would like to know if I am being unreasonable for resenting this and if I can/should say no sometimes. Or is this normal and what kids should do for parents? She's mid-60s BTW so not particularly elderly. I work and have my own young kids and two dogs, yet at the moment the expectation is I should drive to her house once or twice a week to walk her dog and take her car out for a run around as she's injured her knee. I barely have time to walk my own dogs and I hate driving her car! I told her this was too much, to be greeted with a sad face and a list of reasons as to why it's easy for me to do these things.

I don't know if I am right to feel resentful or if my upbringing has just given me an intolerance of 'weakness', as I see it, and I am being mean to be fed up with it. I know if I were in her position I would just pay a dog walker for some walks and accept the dog won't be exercised as much over the coming weeks, then get back to it when my knee was better.

But we can - and we are all telling you, it’s not you, it’s her.

(also this is irrelevant but I cannot understand why her car needs running around - that is just ridiculous. Talk about making work for the sake of it …)

Just me then who would always help my mum and dad out with making their lives easier? When they were both alive that is. And yep, I work, have kids, a pet etc of my own

I didn't martyr myself or anything - but my parents helped me immeasurably for many years when younger (as all parents tend to do) and I saw helping them where I could as a 'it's my turn to help you now a little'

I don't know your family dynamics, only what you say. But you say yourself that she isn't selfish and is a lovely person who helps others.

If you don't want to be put out to help her out, then don't. That's your choice.

Not sure what else anyone can say? Either do it willingly, do it resentfully, or refuse to do it

She needs to hire a dog walker. Dog needs to be walked every day, not twice a week! That's just cruel and tell her so.

Is she receiving medical help for her knee?

And do you have any siblings?

Honestly, the longer you spend running around for her, the worse it will get. She needs to regain some kind of independence. My Mum is almost 80, has had a hip replacement but walks her dogs twice a day.

Could you refer her to adult social services? She does sound very needy. Does she have mental health issues?

To respond to a few points...

Her dog has two long walks a day, don't worry, it's just she's asking me to provide a few of them.

I'm a 30 min drive away.

Siblings are frustrated too but are not as put upon as me, mainly because I am regarded as the most stable/dependable and live the closest.

The knee has been operated on and requires a lengthy recovery period, hence the dog walking, car running around etc at the moment.

I am happy to provide support in life events, like the house move and taking her to the hospital appointments etc for her knee. But I am frustrated that this isn't seen as enough and she's stroppy that I'm not also walking the dog and driving her car to keep the battery going, sorting other stuff out for her etc.

and, yes, we do lots socially together so it's not an excuse just to see me.

To the pp who said all parents tend to help their children immeasurably when younger, you only need to read a handful of threads on here to know that isn't true.

My dad had a knee replacement last year and was up and about and driving, walking his dogs within 6/7 weeks of the op so not a lengthy recovery. My husband aunt had a similar recovery time when she had hers 2 years ago. Was there complications from the surgery?

Your mum needs a dog Walker, if she can do 12 walks out of 14 why does she need you for the other two?

It seems that you're your mums emotional crutch and her manipulation tactics are not someone who's lovely, She's selfish.

She needs to drive her own car to keep the battery going.

There's a big difference between helping someone now and again and asking someone to commit to several things per week when they're living their own life.

She's had a lot of metal work in the knee and requires a lot of physio so not straightforward.

She's doing no dog walks for this reason. Other people are doing some each.

She can't drive for the above reason.

So the dog walking and car issues aren't forever, just for a few months. But I am still exhausted by the demand for it on top of driving her to appointments and helping with other things.

At some point you have to say to her that it's too much for you and that she needs to hire a dog walker. You know you want to say this, otherwise why are you posting on here?

If she can't drive, why does it matter if her car battery goes dead? I really don't understand that bit. She can always recharge it once her knee is better or it's just a waste of fuel driving it aimlessly around.

I do want to tell her to get a dog walker. The problem is she has no money to pay for one. So I'll either need to walk the dog sometimes or fund it sometimes.

There are people that will walk dogs for free for the company of a dog & exercise. Some people are unable to own a dog themselves, but would love to borrow a dog

Suggest ask around locally

and a list of reasons as to why it's easy for me to do these thing

What sort of things is she giving as reasons here?

I think you really need to push back on some things before they get expected for the next 20 years! I agree it’s difficult though if she has a dog and not enough money to pay a dog walker.

I'm not sure why her car needs to be "run around." It's not a living being. If she's worried about the battery going dead, surely the engine only needs to be turned on for 20 minutes or so, once or twice a week? I would think as long as she can walk from her house to the car, she could do that herself. She could just sit inside it and read a book or something?

I think her idea of what you should do, is not the standard you should be using for how much you can do. You need to decide what you can do, and then do that. Anything more should be met with, "Sorry, mum, I won't be able to do that." Repeat ad nauseum.

I can sympathise with her, if your father left her skint during the divorce settlement. So I wouldn't necessarily judge her for being so needy. But it's not your obligation to replace all the love and support your father should have given her. You're her child, not her spouse. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is.

It’s pretty selfish if she doesn’t. OP has the right to say no and not be manipulated.

You seriously need to start putting in boundaries. You’ll only end up funding the dog Walker because you allow it, if she doesn’t want to walk her own dog she’ll have to pay someone even if that means she has to give up something else.

This will go on for however long you let it and allow her emotionally manipulate and abuse you.

You can also disconnect the car battery completely. Just Youtube it.

Honestly, it's such a waste of energy and money trying to keep it charged up.

What is her prognosis re: recovery?

https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/

Op I think just do what you can. We had to put in boundaries with our mam she got more demanding. We were worn out. Frankly I had enough it. 3 us

Right - enough is enough. I honestly think you need to draw a line . Once someone IS old and needy and their health is poor, their friends passed away or ill it’s very difficult not to get sucked into caring/ supporting so you need to make that break now whilst she is young and fit.
Just stop doing anything for her. 60 is the new 40.

cinnamon.org.uk/ might be better than borrowmydoggy for short term option, or see if there is a local FB dog group that may attract some volunteers.

But ultimately your priority has to be your own DCs, so if you are doing things for her priority is necessities like hospital appointments ( although even there, there may be some volunteer group available to take her there), much lower down are her dogs who will survive with a few less walks than they are used to and bottom of the list is the car battery which should be ok for a few weeks, or maybe she could just rev it on the drive.

Apologies if I have missed it

What is your relationship like with dad?

Did you ever manage that?

I ask as I saw this type of thing as a family solicitor for many years and often think of how it must play out as adults.

Then personal level my mother is the same. It is so so hard. I'm closest, I'm the bad one, I'm the one there every day, but brother stays one weekend a year so that's more.

Should add my father died but the anger she has about that is very real

I think those kind of things are normal things to help your parents with, but given she wasn’t a great parent it’s up to you whether you want to help her.