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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Competitive friendship?

34 replies

Aesj89 · 09/04/2023 16:19

I have a friend who I have known for around 15 years, we are really close and we work in the same industry. We meet our dps around the same time (which she always brings up).

I am not a competitive person and am
really happy in my relationship and hope she is happy in hers. Meanwhile she continually tries to one up me and my DP e.g. when I mentioned in passing that my DP surprised me with a weekend away for my birthday she told me her dp had bought her concert tickets and booked dinner at a Michelin restaurant for her birthday (turns out this wasn’t true but I would have been pleased for her if it was).

When we recently bought a house together she told me her and her dp were trying for a baby (which was a surprise as they don’t live together and she had told me a month earlier they weren’t ready to
live together). She has expressed shock at us going on holidays separately (with our own friends /families) as she couldn’t bear to be apart from dp and has said she doesn’t understand how we can stay apart.

She has also made some snide remarks which have annoyed me e.g. when we got engaged she asked if my diamond was real as it was “bigger than expected”.

I suspect from some of her comments that she isn’t happy in her relationship (she has previously said her dp is punching above his weight with her and complained he isn’t romantic enough) but I find her determination to one up us and her snide remarks tiring.

Other friends have said I am being too sensitive and that she probably doesn’t mean anything by it. However, I want to distance myself from her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

TenThousandSpoons · 09/04/2023 16:21

She sounds annoying. Definitely time to distance yourself.

twolilacs · 09/04/2023 16:25

She appears to be the sort of person who likes to prick someone else's balloon. Agree with others, and start to distance yourself from this one.

OestrogenBunny · 09/04/2023 16:25

Friends who put you down are not friends. Ghost her.

iliketobooogie · 09/04/2023 17:23

It's irritating when people are like this because it absolutely boils down to insecurity. Unfortunately we live in a world where social media has taken over and everyone wants to appear to be doing well, you just have to notice how over the top Easter has now become! When I was little in the 90s it was nothing like it is now.

If I were you I would talk about "a friend" at work who people used to like but has become a keeping up with the Joneses type and how you've really gone off her and it's a shame she's become materialistic. I dunno if your friend would subconsciously pick up on this!

Showdogworkingdog · 09/04/2023 19:08

I had a ‘friend’ like that. I haven’t seen her for years so you could say I’ve distanced from her. It became exhausting every time I saw her she made everything we talked into a competition - money, house, holidays and particularly her DC’s milestones. I would dread seeing her and had to ask myself why I was doing it.

EarthSight · 09/04/2023 20:17

Friends, or good friends anyway don't do this.

It's difficult to win with such people like this OP. Their snide remarks, delivered with much faux-innocence is difficult to confront, which is exactly why they do it. It's often enabled by the wider group as well because no one wants to tell them what a dickhead they are. If you have a confrontation with them, manipulative people like that will adore the drama it creates. Even if you nip it in the bud with what you think it a polite comment, they will often exaggerate and love having people talking. Or, they will behave as if they are the injured party and make out as if you are the bitch, and not them. People are often dumb enough to fall for that as well, unfortunately.

Other friends have said I am being too sensitive and that she probably doesn’t mean anything by it. However, I want to distance myself from her

In my experience, people tend to say things like this when they -

a) Don't want to get involved because it means they might have to pick a side and then they would have to deal with the awkward situation as well. So, it's simply easier and less complicated for them to try and smooth things over by gaslighting the aggrieved person and telling them to ignore the behaviour.

b) Don't have much empathy, and simply don't want to give you any emotional support over a situation that quite frankly might not effect them at all. If it were them in your shoes, I bet they would very much feel pissed off and expect sympathy from you

EarthSight · 09/04/2023 20:19

Forgot to say - the main option is to distance yourself. It might be difficult to do without her wanting to confront you about it, but I'd just freeze her out.

Original poster

Aesj89 · 10/04/2023 14:47

Thanks @EarthSight I agree that if I confronted her, she would definitely make out like she is the aggrieved person as she has done this with friends in the past. I think you are right that it is easier to step back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aesj89 · 10/04/2023 14:48

@Showdogworkingdog sorry about your friend.

I could imagine competition with DC would be even worse

OP posts:

Original poster

Aesj89 · 10/04/2023 14:50

@iliketobooogie - I think you are so right about social media. It makes everyone else’s life seem way more exciting than yours which encourages insecutity

OP posts:

theblackradiator · 10/04/2023 15:07

A little bit different to your situation but I have a friend who I noticed whenever we would discuss what we were planning to buy our dc for Xmas and birthdays etc she would always copy and go out and buy the exact same thing or the more expensive better version of the item as I said I'd bought my dcs even though she'd already bought her dcs gifts. took me 3 years or so to notice she was doing this then one Xmas I had noticed an item on discount for the dc I told friend I was going out the next day to purchase this item. as soon as we gotten off the telephone she rushed out to buy item before me item then became sold out!
Got to the point I had to keep secret what I was buying or where we were going for days out etc. we are still friends but I have distanced myself and I feel happier for it.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 15:46

Pay attention to your repeated feelings and tend to them.

She’s not a friend she is a frenemy.

She is ‘just’ under the radar hostile so that you would sound a loon to call her out and as others have said she would then have the opportunity to humiliate you further.

She is covertly hostile because she is jealous and insecure. Don’t take that personally - she has indicated that’s what’s she’s like with others. That’s who she is - her pattern of behaviour is belittling, undermine, difficult and potentially volatile. Others have likely swerved her in the past ….. don’t be the last man standing.

Fade her out.

Don’t worry what others say - it might not happen to them - they might not see it - they might have their own agenda.

Never spend time in the company of people who leave you feeling ‘less than’ - as this will erode your self esteem - choose to use your time with those who reciprocate and make you feel cherished and valued.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 15:48

Am I being too sensitive

Who decides what the correct level of sensitivity is, objectively? Because if we don't know what 'right' is, how can we say something is 'wrong'?

CreationNat1on · 10/04/2023 15:55

No, you are not being too sensitive, she is jealous and insecure. If it was me, I ld confront it and tell her she needs to find healthier coping mechanisms because you don't want to be on the receiving end of her childish jealousies.

I ve done this and I ve lost "friends" as a result. People are assholes.

Sunnygirl07 · 10/04/2023 15:56

OestrogenBunny · 09/04/2023 16:25

Friends who put you down are not friends. Ghost her.

I agree.

I have just distanced myself from an acquaintance like this.

Her house is all done up and finished. Good for her. She bullied me and my DH that he is too slow sorting it.

NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!!

And this one lady of yours BULLYING you about the size of your diamond!? How dare she?

Sunnygirl07 · 10/04/2023 15:58

So she deserves a BIg diamond in her engagement ring and you should have a small one? Is that what she expected? lol

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 15:58

Sounds boring as well as irritating. Definitely fade her out.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 16:00

CreationNat1on · 10/04/2023 15:55

I ve done this and I ve lost "friends" as a result. People are assholes.

If it was me, I ld confront it and tell her she needs to find healthier coping mechanisms because you don't want to be on the receiving end of her childish jealousies.

Do this if it makes you feel better. It’s honest.

But IMHO don’t expect a constructive response.

Anticipate an escalation, rage and a flounce - as she has done with others before and as can be expected from someone insecure and poorly emotionally regulated.

It’s quicker than a slow fade if you have the stomach for it.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 16:04

CreationNat1on · 10/04/2023 15:55

I ve done this and I ve lost "friends" as a result. People are assholes.

Don't waste your time telling people who you think they should be, or what you think they should do, @Aesj89 If you don't want to be on the receiving end of someone's behaviour, stay away from them.

People are often assholes towards those who offer them unsolicited advice on how they should change themselves. Wouldn't you be pissed off if someone told you how to change yourself, @CreationNat1on ?

declutteringmymind · 10/04/2023 16:04

She's obviously insecure in herself and/or her relationship. Next time she makes a comment, just say to her 'is everything okay with you?'

Try to concentrate on the things you do have in common but it's obvious that she's raining in your parade to make herself feel better. It's cheap.

BeautifulWar · 10/04/2023 16:10

I had one those. Turns out she was desperately unhappy, but I've kept my distance, even though that period of her life is over. I don't like people who need to get one over or diminish other people to feel better about themselves.

Ooolaaaala · 10/04/2023 16:11

Some people have to put others down to keep themselves afloat.

It’s not personal to you. She is insecure. This is how she copes.

But you don’t have to submit to be subjugated.

CreationNat1on · 10/04/2023 16:11

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 16:04

Don't waste your time telling people who you think they should be, or what you think they should do, @Aesj89 If you don't want to be on the receiving end of someone's behaviour, stay away from them.

Show quote history

If I was abusing someone (which I don't), I wouldn't be surprised if someone stopped me in my tracks and specified their boundaries and pointed out my behaviour was unhealthy and the abuser needed to revisit their unhealthy coping strategies.

People are entitled to call out abuse (if the wish), people are entitled to say "no, I m not tolerating your behaviour, why would you expect me to".

If the abuser can't cope with being called out on their abusive behaviours, then they shouldn't engage in them, if they don't realise that they are breaching boundaries then they need to be reminded. If they can't respect you, then they are not good, healthy, company.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 16:15

She probably doesn't think she's being abusive, @CreationNat1on You're giving her a lot of credit for self awareness. People are absolutely allowed to call out abuse.

Educating an abuser is low priority when walking away from them is doable.

CreationNat1on · 10/04/2023 16:17

The competition, is all a one way street. Best to walk away if you feel it is tedious and negative and unpleasant.

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