New Man - feel weird and awkward after last night.

[EasterEggs22]

Morning all. I’ve been following the relationships board for a while now and have seen some great advice given to others, so I’m hoping you can all help me too. Hopefully this makes sense..

I recently started seeing/meeting up with a man that I met off tinder around a month ago. Very early days I know. For context, I’m 26 and he’s 32, no kids and both work full time. We’ve met around 9-10 times at various locations for walks, food and coffee dates (last night was the first time at my house) as we live over an hour away from each other, but both of us drive so it’s not really an issue. We get on very well, have lots in common, he makes me laugh, seems really kind and sweet (last night he turned up with a bunch of flowers and an Easter egg in hand). I do like him and have enjoyed spending time with him over the last few weeks.

Last night didn’t go to plan at all and I’ve woken up this morning feeling really disappointed about it. He was working until 1pm and then decided to go and play golf with a friend for a few hours afterwards. He didn’t actually get to my house until 8pm. I’d gone out to the shops and bought us some bits to have for tea, so I was just waiting around for him. By the time he arrived it was too late to actually do anything other than have food and watch a film. I wrongly presumed that he was staying the night as he didn’t arrive until late, had a long drive back and also brought a bag filled with clothes. We went up to bed around 10 and had sex for the first time. For context, I’m not on any contraceptives at the minute as I’ve been single for 3 years and haven’t had sex in over a year, so I bought some condoms yesterday just in case.

I explained this to him before we started having sex and he put a condom on. We got a bit carried away and (sorry, TMI) he took the condom off in between us having sex so I could give him a blowjob but we stupidly forgot/didn’t put the condom back on to have sex again. He pulled out to ejaculate, but I know that there is pre ejaculation to consider. He was in a panic straight afterwards, saying he was worried I might get pregnant, he’s not ready for kids yet. I told him I would buy the morning after pill (ordered it online in front of him) and said try not to worry. He told me that he’d dated/slept with women in the past who lied and said they were pregnant just to keep the relationship going, so he was worried it might happen again (I won’t lie, this comment pissed me off because it felt like he was accusing me of doing something like that). For context, I don’t want kids yet either. I actually became pregnant when I was 15 with my first boyfriend and suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It changed my life and I’ve always said I don’t want kids until I’ve met the right person/been with them a long time. Even though this is very personal to me and I don’t talk about it very often, if ever, I told him as I thought it might reassure him that I don’t want children yet and that I’m not out to trap him with a baby or whatever he was thinking. This wasn’t good enough though as he just kept going on about it all night, even though I’d done everything I could (ordering the pill) in that moment.

Anyway, the rest of the night was so bloody awkward. We just lay in bed watching tv, barely spoke a word to each other, other than him asking me about when the shop would be open again so I could pick up the pill. He didn’t even touch me/cuddle me after sex, and then announced at 11 that he was going home as he needed to be up early the next morning to visit his cousin. I told him he could stay over and just get up earlier if that was easier but he said he didn’t want to wake me up really early. I think that was an excuse though just so he could get out. I’ve woken up this morning to an email from the doctor at Superdrug authorising the order but it won’t be available until Tuesday to collect. I naively thought it would be ready by tomorrow, and I’m due to go away tomorrow night for work and won’t be back until late Tuesday evening, so I have sent a message to the doctor explaining all of this. The only thing I can do is go in there tomorrow to see if I can speak to someone, and maybe try Boots as well.

I’ve told him all of this, and we have been speaking as normal today but it still feels really awkward. It’s not the way I thought the night would go, especially since it was our first time having sex. But I do understand his worries. I wonder if he feels awkward too. I’m also concerned that every time we’ve met up it’s always been during the evening for a few hours. Not that I think he’s after me for just sex, because we’ve spent time doing other things too, but he always goes out with his friends after work and then meets me in the evening for a few hours. Today he’s gone out with his friend, and tomorrow he’s decided to take an extra shift at work, and didn’t bother to ask me what I was doing/or if I wanted to do anything with him. I’ve only just noticed this because I normally work until 5pm, so meeting up at night has worked really well for us so far, but I’ve been off work this week and it’s been the same thing. I’m worried it will be like this on weekends, and I don’t want a relationship where we just see each other for a few hours at night. I want to go out and do things together during the day as well. He has been really trying this morning to keep the conversation going, but I’m worried he’s just doing that until I get the pill and then he’s going to end things. Should I get in there first and let him know I don’t think it’s going to work out, but will obviously let him know when I’ve collected and taken the tablet? I do really like him, and feel so disappointed it’s ended up like this.

Sorry, this thread is a lot longer than I expected but I didn’t want to drip feed and there are a few issues to think about.

TIA

Yes, you're missing the 100+ posts since then 🙄

Sympathy OP. You've had a shit time with a shit bloke. Hope you are ok.

He should have binned off the social with his mates and asked if he could come over to see you.

He must realise ( if he was in anyway decent and respectful to you ) that things didn't go according to plan and would have wanted to come over to see you. You'd seen each other 10 times leading up to this, that s enough to believe it was starting to be more serious than an an OLD random.

He clearly wanting the good times and is now doing a disappearing act - texting you a few times from the golf course doesn't cut it.

Id definitely have doubts about his integrity and cut ties.

Sorry about your crappy Easter Sunday OP!

TBH I think he bears more of the responsibility to think to put another condom on, it's his penis.

It sounds like some of the things you're unhappy about might be solved by communication - have you stated clearly that you want to see him more of the time? (If indeed you still do after the stress of this experience)

Whether or not your message has any merit, why don't you read your post back and realise how bloody patronising you sound, starting with "well, this is a bit of a mess isn't it OP"

yeah no shit Sherlock, but no need to rub it in.

Hope you don't have to wait too much longer OP

If you were intending to have sex you should have gone on the pill. Buying condoms probably turned him off.

WTAF.

Somebody missed every lesson about protection against STDs (and double protection against pregnancy).

This.

This man is not a keeper. When I was 19 and at uni, I had a split condom incident with a guy I was casually seeing. It was also a bank holiday weekend and we struggled to find a pharmacy open the next day. This was also in the days before 111. The lovely guy borrowed his Dad’s car and drove me to a walk-in clinic 30 minutes away, stayed with me for the long wait, drove me home after and bought me a takeaway that evening. He was 19 and knew how to act like a kind and unselfish human. Your guy is 32 and should know bloody better by now.

I haven’t RTFT but you have also possibly exposed yourself to HIV and should take that prevention pill within 72 hours.

https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/post-exposure-prophylaxis

Also, get rid as others have said. What an ass.

This all sounds absolutely depressingly awful OP. I would bin him and chalk it up to experience. Treat yourself kindly and have some quality you time.

Just wanted to send a message of support as there are some very judgey people on here, which isn't very helpful at a time when you're already feeling like crap. Don't understand the view that you should be on the pill/IUD when you haven't been having regular sex in a long time. Contraceptives come with some unpleasant side effects so why put yourself through that needlessly. And as someone who also just had sex for the first time in a year, I can totally understand how you got carried away in the heat of the moment. It happens all the time.. just not to the majority of mumsnet apparently😬

As for the guy, I'd let him go if I were you. It's the coldness after sex that would hurt the most for me, and the fact that all he cared about was being 'tricked' into becoming a dad. He seems to have a very low opinion of women in general and that isn't going to change. He clearly has trust issues and is probably used to having a string of casual relationships on his terms and is unwilling to give up the 'single life'.
I think you'll feel much better if you take back the power and go cold on him. Let him know when you've took the MAP and then block his sorry ass.
Hope you find a lovely man in the near future who won't make you feel like shit after intimacy and who will be more than happy to spend his free time with you💐

You are both grown adults, you are both responsible for preventing pregnancy. You are as much to blame for the situation as he is.

Not another one

Haven’t read all the posts but only a few, but yes, he does seem to be a bit shit. He expects you to sort out contraception, pleasure him and then ensure he doesn’t come etc in you!

I’m sure he’s lovely by bringing you an Easter egg and flowers but any man can do that and by his age I’d expect him to prioritise your time a bit more and not be so selfish, especially after the time you’ve spent together so far (which isn’t loads but it’s hardly a one night stand).

His behaviour has given you useful information as others have said, he's probably ok if you want a casual fair weather friend but as he's not supportive under stress and not taking responsibility for his own mistake maybe it's be best to cut your losses if you're looking for someone you can count on. I would say his behaviour is a red flag for immature / selfish. You sound like a very decent person who deserves the same. Sending hugs 🤗

I didn't say I wasn't ? @slowquickstep

Try and ignore the unhelpful posts OP

Hope the queue is getting shorter!

Yeah ignore ridiculous replies.

How many people in front now?

Fucking ridiculous comments on this thread.

Good luck, OP. You’re almost certainly not pregnant if he didn’t ejaculate inside, but taking the morning after pill can give you peace of mind, I suppose.

He doesn’t sound great, a bit immature and like he’s had a string of shit relationships with manipulative partners. He’s damaged goods, basically. Get rid.

I guarantee it won’t be the partners that have been manipulative!

This OP, best of luck, you’re lucky to have such a good friend

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Probably not the long weekend you were expecting.

Well done on prioritising getting hold of the MAP. STD check next and consider keeping a spare MAP pack for any future emergencies. I know it has a limited shelf life, I considered it worth the cost to know I had it on hand.

Be glad that this man has shown you who he is so early in the relationship. Anyone can be 'lovely' when things are going well. How someone acts when things go wrong is who they really are. He is selfish, he runs away and only offers to help when it's no longer possible for him to do anything useful.

As Maya Angelou says "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

All the best.

Neither do condoms if you don't use them. If I were adamant about not getting pregnant I wouldn't leave the BC up to the man, I'd be on some other form just in case.

Another vote for this.