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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to be still upset? How can I fix things?

29 replies

DeeThree · 09/04/2023 11:22

This may be long & convoluted, but I'm very tearful today and can't sort out my mind.

I will start by saying I know my DS was in the wrong and I have spoken to him about his unacceptable behaviour/ language and he has apologised.

Yesterday we went shopping to buy 16yr old DS a new bed, as he's now 6ft 2" & his childhood bed is no longer suitable. We went to a retail park where there are a number of shops so lots of choice. DS wasn't feeling great, and was a typical grumpy teenager. We pulled up at shop no. 1 and he started to moan, saying "why the fuck are we here, I don't care about a new bed...."
As I said, I've told him that he can't speak to people like that and he has since apologised so this is really NOT about his language /ungratefulness.
DH got very angry and turned around (DH driving, DS behind passenger seat) and started to hit DS repeatedly, telling him "how dare you speak to me like that..... you ungrateful shit...." DS said stop hitting me, but DH kept at it. It wasn't hard, I don't think, it certainly wasn't a beating - DH was leaning back & slapping DS. I told him to stop but he didn't, so I got out of the car and went into the shop without them.
A few minutes later DH joined me and said "you never back me up, his behaviour was unacceptable and you said nothing", I told him that hitting DS is never OK and that I didn't get a chance to say anything because he was hitting him. This was a very loud argument that I didn't wantin the middle of a furniture shop, then DH said he was leaving and he did. DS came in then and I told him that his language & attitude was not on, but also it's not OK that DH hit him, in fact it's never ok to hit anyone.
DS apologised and we picked out a new bed for him.
We were probably in the shop for 20 minutes and in that time DH must have driven somewhere and come back because he was parked somewhere different when we came out. We got into the car and DH drove home in a fit of silent rage, even though the plan was to do other shopping while out.
When we got home DH got out and I told DS to stay in the car, he & I then went out again and finished our shopping.
Anyway long story.... DH is still angry at me, saying I should have given out to DS. I told him I didn't get a chance, and no matter what it's not OK to hit him. But apparently DH is "only human" and I don't need to keep telling him.
The atmosphere in the house is awful, I can't see it improving. I'm out for a walk for 2 hours now, but need to go home soon. I hate it, I don't want to live like this, but short of pretending it's all OK now what can I do?
DH and DS have both now apologised to each other.

OP posts:
ThePinkQualityStreet · 09/04/2023 11:38

Yeah your husband seems like a giant dick.

hitting anyone under any circumstances is awful never mind hitting your own child.
I’ve never understood why anyone think hitting someone is normal. But children- god no.
so your husband went over the top.

your son probably uses bad words as he hears them from you or your husband.

ZekeZeke · 09/04/2023 11:46

Your DH was totally out of order using any physical violence-is this the first time this has ever happened?. Is it totally out of character?

If it is the one and only time it's happened and they have apologised to each other I don't think you need to keep going on and on and on.

If its form for your DH then I would pack his bags!

category12 · 09/04/2023 11:48

Wow.

I'd fix it by dumping your husband.

How on earth does he expect respect or good behaviour from his son when HE behaves like that?

Disgusting. Your son could report him. You could report him.

It's not remotely OK. If I was your son, I'd leave at the first opportunity and never come back.

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 11:54

Has he ever done something like this before? Apart from anything else that’s dangerous driving. If he’s leaning back hitting someone on the back seat he isn’t looking at the road and driving properly. He could get you all killed.

This was a display of foul temper, and lack of self control, followed by childish tantrums and sulking, plus lack of remorse and now he says you should have backed him up! If it was a one off I’d want him to promise never to do anything like that again. If this is how he is, then at the very least I’d never want to get in the car when he’s driving.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/04/2023 12:00

"But apparently DH is "only human" and I don't need to keep telling him."

More like subhuman and not fit to be allowed to parent. Sorry, but you need to protect your child. Not just from the actual physical abuse but from the absolutely horrific role modelling he is getting for this pathetic excuse for a father.

Original poster
DeeThree · 09/04/2023 12:02

Thanks all food for thought.

@ThePinkQualityStreet I will admit that bad language is used in our house quite frequently by all, including me. So I can't blame DC as they hear it & learnt it at home.

It's not a regular thing, but not a one off either & I really, really do object to it quite strongly.

@FictionalCharacter just to clarify DH wasn't driving when it happened, we had just stopped at the first shop we planned to visit.

Perhaps I need to let it go, DS seems OK today and not traumatised by it. But I do worry that one day, if it happens again, DS will strike back - he's nearly a man & is probably taller/stronger than DH.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2023 12:09

It's not a regular thing, but not a one off either & I really, really do object to it quite strongly.

Much good your "strong" objections do your son if it happens and keeps happening 🙄And here you are, planning to let it go, once again.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 12:13

As soon as he lifted his hands, it was over for your dh. How dare he resort to hitting? Imagine if someone in authority started hitting him like that?

I know that teenagers can be thoroughly obnoxious and it's our job to guide them not to be but you don't teach the lesson by being an utter fucking orc yourself. What an arsehole.

BeggyMitchell · 09/04/2023 12:16

D*S seems OK today and not traumatised by it
*
Wtf have I just read? How do you even know exactly how he was affected? The saddest thing is he's not going to feel safe enough now to open up to you. This could be a lasting pattern, is that what you want?

But by all means prioritise your cuntish DH, that's the way to happiness don't you know.

Unsure33 · 09/04/2023 12:19

Personally I think parents should both sing from the same hymn sheet and lead by example . Bad language and slapping someone is awful . Your poor son . If he does hit back you have no one to blame but yourselves .

UndercoverCop · 09/04/2023 12:21

Your husband repeatedly hit your son and you're asking what to do? You leave him and take your child with you .
Yes the 16 year old needs telling off for his language although it sounds like it's normal in your household. As soon as your husband laid hands on him you lost the opportunity to do that appropriately. Now you've got a chance to model to your son that you don't allow people to assault you and if someone does something you don't like you tell them that and walk away. You don't hit them!!

78thcat · 09/04/2023 12:30

What am I reading?
This is physical abuse coupled with what sounds like regular verbal abuse as well. None of this is acceptable.

BarbedButterfly · 09/04/2023 12:34

What is wrong with you? Protect your son

Thelifeofawife · 09/04/2023 12:34

OP, you got out of the car and walked away whilst your DH was hitting your DS?! Rather than stay and stop him or open the door and tell your DS to get out of the car too. You’re no better than him in that situation so you probably need to let it drop and hope that your DS isn’t quietly traumatised by the event!

category12 · 09/04/2023 12:35

Does your dh slap you around too?

CrapBucket · 09/04/2023 12:37

A very similar incident is the point at which I knew beyond all doubt that I was ending my marriage. I really feel for you OP. Good luck.

Original poster
DeeThree · 09/04/2023 12:38

You're all absolutely right, it's hard to see when you're living like this. I knew MN would be harsh, but I wanted to hear it from outsiders.
Time for things to change. I think I need to see a counsellor to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeeThree · 09/04/2023 12:39

category12 · 09/04/2023 12:35

Does your dh slap you around too?

No, he doesn't.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 09/04/2023 12:41

If DH lifted a hand to DS(15) it would be the first and last time.

It would take every fibre in my body not to get violent myself but there would certainly be divorce.

Softoprider · 09/04/2023 12:44

If your son hits your husband back it will serve him right but then you will have a bigger problem on your hands since your family will be broken beyond repair.

Your dick of a husband needs to keep his hands and his fists to himself and you should tell him next time anything remotely like this happens he is out of the door. I do not care what your son said - it did not warrant a beating from anyone no matter how much of a shit he is.
And stop fucking swearing at home

Furrydogmum · 09/04/2023 12:57

How will you feel when your son turns into the same kind of parent as his dad? This is awful behaviour from both of you and you can't hit a child for doing what you do!!

monsteramunch · 09/04/2023 14:41

If your DH did this to you, what would you do?

If he lost his temper and repeatedly slapped you in anger I mean.

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 16:18

“Perhaps I need to let it go, DS seems OK today and not traumatised by it. But I do worry that one day, if it happens again, DS will strike back - he's nearly a man & is probably taller/stronger than DH.”

Sorry but you’re being an absolute idiot. If you let it go, who knows what could happen next time. The worst thing is that you seem more worried about DS retaliating than about him being emotionally damaged by your husband. Your son’s welfare should be more important to you than the risk of him retaliating.

Good idea to get help, but not if you’re intending to get a counsellor to help you to accept this situation and “put it behind you”. Your husband needs to improve his behaviour and commit himself to never do this again - all of it, the walking off, exploding, hitting, blaming, silent treatment - if this is to be a marriage worth saving.

AgentJohnson · 09/04/2023 16:49

Your H physically assaulted your son and he thinks he deserves the apology. WTAF! Op you need to seriously pay attention to your sons primary male role model because your H is a terrible one. He either commits to to changing his ways with professional support or he goes.

Rainbowx · 10/04/2023 18:51

As somebody who was hit/slapped by my stepdad please don't make the mistake of thinking your son is OK,he probably won't be, and this stays with us forever.protect your son.

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