I separated from my husband 6 months ago and we are talking about getting back together. He however can not forgive me for speaking out about our troubles. For years, I felt I was masking- attending his family events where I clearly was not welcomed or wanted by his mother. Trying to be polite when other people were being rude. Knowing that his sister was saying and things behind my back but trying to be civil. He constantly invalidated and dismissed me for years.
When we were together, I reached out on mumsnet a couple of times for support, particularly after my eldest child was born and MIL was making my life a total misery. I look back now and realise that she completely harrassed and belittled me and he did absolutely nothing to stop it. I reached out here for support and advice and got so much understanding and validation that I wasn't getting at home. He found out about me posting here and went ballistic, saying I'd betrayed him by writing about it online. He then began trolling mumsnet for a few years, reading post after post, checking if it was me, trying to stumble across anything at all which I may have written. He found one other post about him- he clearly recognised the events and was furious with me. He barely spoke to me for 2 weeks.
Since leaving him, I wrote a post on Facebook about our separation as having moved to his home town, I was lacking in friends and support. I also wanted people to know that I'd been unhappy and struggling after masking for so long. It was a factual post, saying that we'd broken up and that I'd been unhappy for a long time after having to deal with negative behaviour from his family.
It was a freeing moment for me and people messaged me and supported me, people who know the family offered me words of comfort and support telling me they weren't at all surprised...I.had no idea that others might have known what they were like before writing this post. I got so much validation. It has led to meet ups with others who used to be mere acquaintances and have since become my friends, other school mums have been a fantastic support to me. And it was through this honest, factual post that the support came.
However, a mutual friend informed my ex about the post and he is still reeling about it. He says he's "crushed" by it and compares me to an "immature teenager sharing personal information online."
I get what he's saying.
But he dismissed me for years and it feels freeing to speak my truth. There was another post I wrote more recently after a family member of his upset and manipulated my children and I wanted people to know because his family operates in devious, sly and manipulative ways and I wanted to out the behaviour. I have learned that revealing the behaviour and calling it out is important. He absolutely hates this. After limiting the viewers of the post, this still somehow got back to him through what he describes as "a loyal friend." I've told him that loyal friends don't stir trouble between exes but again, I am the problem for speaking out.
I get it, I do, using social media for this sort of thing is immature. But the two times I've done it has actually helped me. I want people to know how hard it's been and how crappy his family have treated me and now, how they're emotionally manipulating my children. He However says that it's just fuelling gossip and drama. Yet there is no support from him.
Aside from all of this, we get on very well and miss each other a lot. He however has never been mad at his family for the way they've behaved, much of which he admits they have done, more mad at me for speaking out about it. It feels like he expects me to live in an emotional prison and never speak the truth, as if we're supposed to put on some sort of show to the outside world. He says this is how you're supposed to live.
Who is the problem here? Who's in the wrong? Is it me?