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Original poster

Crush on therapist

27 replies

Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 20:32

Just wondered if anyone had any experience of this. I have been seeing a male therapist (online) for a few weeks. I have felt intense chemistry with him - not saying its necessarily mutual, but I definitely got the feeling he felt it too. In our last session I admitted that I felt attracted to him and he talked about attachment styles and linked it to the fact that my dad was physically and emotionally unavailable. I am married and my DH has also been emotionally unavailable for a large part of our marriage. I don't have any male friends and I guess talking to a man who really listens and seems kind and caring, as well as being physically attractive (in my opinion) has caused these feelings to develop.

I just feel really embarrassed about this, and I even feel like not having any more sessions with him and going to a different therapist. I admitted it to him on the spur of the moment in the session, but part of me wishes I hadn't as I am cringing just thinking about it. The other part of me thinks that it's good this has come up as it's important to work through. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, did the feelings pass?

OP posts:
taleasolasgrime · 08/04/2023 20:34

Lots of experience of this due to the area I work in.

Change therapists now, while you can, before you get sucked into this is my heartfelt advice.

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 20:44

Very common.

No need to change therapists, as long as your therapist is ethical. In fact these kinds of feelings are grist for the the therapeutic mill as they usually point to unmet needs in your life that need processing and working through. If you change therapists the feelings tend to pop up again anyway. Hopefully you've got a good therapist who won't take the feelings personally or exploit you and just help direct them where they need looking at.

WhoHidTheCoffee · 08/04/2023 20:46

It’s called transference and it’s really, really common. As others have said, a good therapist will welcome you raising it and will help you work with those feelings and what they mean while maintaining professional boundaries (eg no contact beyond purely administrative outside of sessions).

StormiDayz · 08/04/2023 20:49

I would change therapists if you can. A friend of mine fancied her councillor and ws convinced it was mutual. It ended up with her mortified and him refusing to see her again. You can't do anything about this.

Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 20:51

@taleasolasgrime that's interesting you have experience of this. Just wondering what you mean by getting sucked into this, do you think my feelings are likely to get stronger and more difficult to deal with?

@Spottycarousel @WhoHidTheCoffee yes I was thinking it might be good to work through this as I clearly have unmet needs. I get the feeling that the therapist is very ethical and would maintain boundaries

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 20:53

@StormiDayz oh no, that's awful, your poor friend. The thing is, I have already admitted it to him, so I feel a bit mortified already!

OP posts:
taleasolasgrime · 08/04/2023 20:55

The bit you said about feeling chemistry coming from his side is the bit that makes me say run.

Honestly, at this point you should be finding your feet in therapy and working out what you want to work on, not second guessing him.

YouWithoutEnd · 08/04/2023 20:57

I think there’s a risk that your sessions become more about connecting with the person you’re attracted to, and less about your healing and inner work.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 08/04/2023 20:58

Very common it’s called transference as someone else said. It happened to me I left therapy feeling worse than when I started. I really felt I had made a friend and was devastated when the sessions ended. The male therapist I had didn’t help the situation by telling me how unhappy he was in his marriage and how he would miss our meetings etc. I look back on it now and think how highly unethical it all was. I would not go back to a therapist who I felt like this with it took me ages to get over it.

TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers · 08/04/2023 20:59

The theory is to bring it to therapy and discuss it ad nauseum etc.

However from a friends experience of this I'd start again with a female therapist... depends how you want to play it. Its a heck of a lot easier when you don't fancy them.

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 21:16

TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers · 08/04/2023 20:59

The theory is to bring it to therapy and discuss it ad nauseum etc.

However from a friends experience of this I'd start again with a female therapist... depends how you want to play it. Its a heck of a lot easier when you don't fancy them.

My most powerful transference reactions have been to female therapists! Not always fancying but stuff from the past. One can't always escape it...

Sharing the feelings should be useful but it does depend on the professionalism of the therapist and sadly they're not all so inclined..

Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 21:19

@taleasolasgrime I see, yes that makes sense

@YouWithoutEnd You're right, and although my emotions want to connect with him, rationally I know it would be a disaster, and not what I'm there for!

@imnotsickbutimnotwell That's awful - he sounds as though he was very unethical. I can totally relate to you feeling that you'd made a friend, it's somehow very intimate having a one to one conversation talking about personal stuff, and if there's any attraction there at all I guess it can become magnified

@TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers yes it's definitely easier talking about personal stuff if you don't fancy them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 21:23

@Spottycarousel I've just remembered that when I had a female therapist years ago, I had a lot of strong feelings come up about wishing that she could have been my mum, and feeling really sad that she wasn't! So yes, I guess whichever gender, intense feelings can come up

OP posts:
TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers · 08/04/2023 21:23

I've had some amazing therapists. They've all got different styles. The whole "how are you feeling in this minute, why do you feel like this right now " going round the houses really wasn't my style. My recent one was far more helpful rather than just asking me what I thought and parroting back was able to pull some.insights which helped immensely and helped me to see things differently.

I think the world of her but am aware she's a therapist doing her job and am not emotionally drawn in. I honestly could easily be with a kind thoughtful man so wouldn't see a man! Or I'd get irritated if they were distant and withdrawn like my dad. Sooo much easier for me to see a woman. I wouldn't want to spend weeks analysing why I felt the way towards my therapist I did etc. But I'm aware that's me and can be different for everyone!

TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2023 21:28

You just need to take a step back and logically recognise why you are having these feelings, what is it that this paid professional is providing you with that has ignited this reaction.
Your therapist can help you with this if you want to or you can find someone else.

However so long as you trust your therapist to remain ethical and professional I would stick with them as it is entirely possible the problem could pop up again with someone new and unethical.

Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 21:34

@TheWonderfulThingAboutTiggers it's interesting that you mention you could easily be drawn in with a kind, thoughtful man. It makes me think, are these feelings I have something to overcome, or is it natural in this sort of situation to feel attraction (eg if they are kind, listening to you, one to one conversation etc). However maybe if I felt truly connected with my DH I wouldn't feel attracted at all, or at least not so strongly.

But I guess it's why sometimes if we are in a relationship or married, people are sometimes wary of having intimate conversations with the opposite gender, as I guess without professional boundaries it could easily become an emotional affair.

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 08/04/2023 21:41

@Ambersparkles

What kind of therapy is it?

Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 21:42

@BumpyaDaisyevna it's psychotherapy (Gestalt)

OP posts:
Marypoppinsnsnortscoke · 08/04/2023 21:58

It's normal well done for bringing it into the space

BumpyaDaisyevna · 08/04/2023 21:59

What you're feeling is transference.

You know how a baby makes a powerful love and attachment to its mother?

When you fall in love a an adult you're repeating those sorts of baby feelings. Although of course as an adult there is a sexual attraction but really it's the same things we felt as babies, love, attachment, a person becomes our whole world and we hate to be apart from them.

You've met a caring attuned person in your therapist and all your baby feelings have fired up. It would be the same if he were a woman I think. Because he is attractive you encode it as that but it's really about something much earlier developmentally.

If you're in psychoanalytic or psychodynamic psychotherapy working in the transference is the whole point, really. That's why the boundaries of those therapies are very firm.

You should talk to your therapist about these feelings as it is the start of doing the work.

Original poster
Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 22:14

@BumpyaDaisyevna that's very interesting, thank you! Do you know if you only get these strong feelings as an adult if you didn't get these feelings reciprocated as a baby, or can everyone feel them sometimes?

OP posts:
NotHangingAround · 08/04/2023 22:14

It's really common in therapy. For the firts time, maybe ever, you 'meet' someone who listens and validates eveyr feeling you have.

But it's not real because it's not a two-way process or a multi-layered relationship. It's all about you. IRL he'd be grumpy and want the TV to watch footy when you want some company to make the most of the sunshine and he'd leave skidmarks in the toilet and say, "Hnnggh?" noncommitally when you tell him what's on your mind because he's sick of listening and sympathising as he does it all day long.

LeafHunter · 08/04/2023 22:20

I’m a therapist.

It’s entirely normal. During training you are taught a lot about erotic transference. Talk about it with them. It might be right to work through the transference but it might also be distracting from the work you contracted to do with the therapist and they might not be the right person to continue with.

SparklingLime · 08/04/2023 22:44

But did your therapist not explain that this is transference and what that means, OP? It sounds like as if he sidestepped it by talking about attachment styles, which is related but not the key issue. If he had explained adequately then you wouldn't have needed to ask here?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 08/04/2023 22:45

Ambersparkles · 08/04/2023 22:14

@BumpyaDaisyevna that's very interesting, thank you! Do you know if you only get these strong feelings as an adult if you didn't get these feelings reciprocated as a baby, or can everyone feel them sometimes?

I'm not an expert but I have a lot of experience as a patient in psychoanalytic psychotherapy

As I understand it people tend to regress to the developmental stage where they got stuck.

I think everyone has the potential to feel these very powerful baby feelings but some have stronger defences against them that mean they experience the therapist in a more detached way.

After all it's painful to love and it's highly anxiety provoking to know that you are the small person with all the need and dependence in the relationship. No wonder we try to defend against those things.

But I think if we want to grow then somehow the pain of separation and the anxiety of dependence have to be borne, in order that we can use our big person creatively to help us develop - rather than just rejecting what they offer.