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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too soon to marry?

30 replies

Larkslane · 08/04/2023 10:24

My sister’s daughter has lived with me for the last few years. She is quite a vulnerable young woman. She courts drama and attention but can be very sweet and kind. She has had some disastrous and extremely abusive relationships with men. Which is how she came to live with me. Her mother has her own problems and wasn’t able to cope with her any longer.

Recently my niece met a very pleasant young man who happens to be from a different religion/culture, through her work.

(All her boyfriends have seemed ok to begin with).

It has all become very serious very quickly. He has proposed and she has accepted. They are planning to be married as soon as they can arrange it.

They both have minimum wage jobs, and no savings.

She expects to carry on living with me when they are married.

My own children are all settled and have their own homes.
I really do not want to have a life long commitment to looking after my niece and her husband to be.
She is only 21 but wants “lots of babies soon”.

I have tried discussing the situation but she is very strong minded, when she wants something.

I am going to say I can’t afford to pay for the wedding- which is what they are expecting.
I am also going to ask her to find somewhere else to live once they are married.

I have met the young man’s parents, they feel it is too soon to marry and would prefer him to have a wife from the same background. They are very nice, caring parents but quite at a loss how to deal with my niece. They cannot help financially.

It’s all so difficult. I’m in my fifties and was hoping for a quieter life soon! I have lots of grandma duties and a part time job, which I enjoy.

I suppose I am hoping that someone will post don’t worry it may all work out for the best.

Its just the scenario- very different backgrounds, unrealistic expectations, no money, nowhere to live is panicking me! Is this unreasonable?

Also, In a nutshell I don’t want the responsibility- but am I morally bound to accept it?

OP posts:
heldinadream · 08/04/2023 10:32

She's 21 and you've already stepped up over the years in a big way so no, you are not morally bound to carry on taking responsibility for her as an adult.
I think it's tough love time - I love you and having you here has been a joy but you can't live your married life with me, it won't improve your relationship with your husband apart from anything else so if you're getting married you need a plan and we need a deadline for you to move, etc etc. Introduction to the real world has to happen.
You sound really lovely BTW. In danger that she will settle into a life of taking advantage of you.
I'm not by any means unsympathetic to her - I was very like that at that age but I scrapped through without getting too massively dependent on any one person.
Remind her that even not living with you you are still in her life.

But begin to disentangle. She wants adult life stages she needs to adult-up a bit!

Slimjimtobe · 08/04/2023 10:34

I would tell her if she’s old enough to get married then she’s old enough to find her own place

the next thing is she will be moving him in

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 10:35

What a shit show OP

Does she have any special needs?

I would be taking an enormous leap back op. Essentially you need to woman up and start asserting yourself

Original poster
Larkslane · 08/04/2023 10:36

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 10:35

What a shit show OP

Does she have any special needs?

I would be taking an enormous leap back op. Essentially you need to woman up and start asserting yourself

That’s the word for it!

OP posts:
AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 10:41

"If people are old enough to get married and have children, they are old enough to accommodate themselves/provide a home for themselves and their kids. That is being an adult".

"I can't afford to pay for your wedding and it's not my role. When people get married they usually get some money from their parents and save the rest of the money themselves .... Some ppl pay for all of it themselves".

Repeat ad nauseum.

Original poster
Larkslane · 08/04/2023 10:43

She has never been assessed for special needs.
At school teachers were often concerned about her.
I do think that she has some sort of personality disorder. She has done some very odd things in the past.
She has been more stable since being with me, but I can’t look after her all her life.
I can’t imagine how she will manage the responsibility of a baby. She has very unrealistic expectations of marriage and motherhood.
She persuaded me to get a kitten, after one of her upsets, we already have an old cat.
She soon lost interest in the kitten. ( Our old cat was most affronted- but that’s another story).

OP posts:
CoffeeBean5 · 08/04/2023 10:43

Tell her that you won’t pay anything towards the wedding and you won’t allow any babies to live in your house. If she can’t afford to have a wedding and/or babies then she shouldn’t be planning either of these.

category12 · 08/04/2023 10:44

I think this requires a bit of tough love and honesty that they cannot expect to live with you as a married couple, and that she needs to be financially stable and properly housed before they have children together.

There's only so much you can do for her, and tbh I'd be worried that she'll have kids with him and then be on your doorstep in a couple of years time.

But your best hope now is to be fairly firm on what she needs to do and hope she gets her act together if she moves out to marry him.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 10:45

First of all, I think you are an absolute gem. I wish I had had an aunt like you when I was young.

Much as you love your niece you do have to be firm with her. Tell her that you cannot have her and her husband living with you. Try to encourage the couple to wait longer so they can save a bit of money and rent somewhere; there is also no great rush to have babies. Many young people, especially girls, long for babies but have little idea about the reality of parenthood - and being a parent whilst living with relatives must be extremely stressful. All that is common sense and if the suggestions are made gently, they will penetrate her mind better than if conveyed forcefully. His parents could do the same. I've no doubt you will all support them but it is too soon for them to marry.

It came into my mind that your niece may well become pregnant soon, now even, because she is in so deep with her man. I do hope that does not happen. I also hope he is a decent chap and genuinely loves her.

Very good luck to you, you lovely person. Please keep us posted with how things go.

AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 10:46

Also tell her it's highly advisable to get to know someone for at least two years before getting married. And longer before having children.

Also that they are very young yet, your brain is still developing until 25. It's best not to have kids until then. They are very demanding and stressful and require a lot of self sacrifice, level headedless, patience, tolerance etc etc

If their love and relationship is strong, a couple of years is nothing. It will still be there, they'll still be together, stronger and will have had a chance to work out accommodation and save wedding money

You are going to have to lay down the law. They will not be moving into your home as a couple.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 10:50

That is a highly sensible post, April, with which I concur 100%.

AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 10:50

Also, In a nutshell I don’t want the responsibility- but am I morally bound to accept it?

No you are most definitely not.

You've done more than most ppl would do.

You are not responsible for housing your niece, her husband and their kids. They are responsible for housing themselves and any children. She's in cloud cuckoo land. Thinking other ppl, real adults will.just provide everything for her and her prospective family.

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 10:51

You need to say they have to find somewhere to live and married people don't live with Aunties , she sounds really vulnerable and immature it must be a worry.

AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 10:56

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2023 10:51

You need to say they have to find somewhere to live and married people don't live with Aunties , she sounds really vulnerable and immature it must be a worry.

Exactly.

"Married couples don't live with their aunty".

"Married couples with kids don't live with their aunties".

On repeat.

Talk enthusiastically about where they're going to find to rent and how lovely it will be for them to find their first home together ....where are they thinking of, you'll keep an eye out to help them find a suitable place and ask others too as well. Don't for one second imply you're not expecting them to get their own place.

Original poster
Larkslane · 08/04/2023 10:56

Thanks all, I needed to hear what I’m thinking of doing is reasonable.

OP posts:
kweeble · 08/04/2023 11:00

Give her a deadline to move out and stick to it. You’ve done more than enough and she’s taking advantage of you now.

RosesAndHellebores · 08/04/2023 11:12

I think you need to be entirely objective and pragmatic with them. "Hey, great that you love each other and want a stable, permanent relationship. However let's have a practical think about how this is going to work as you cannot continue to live here when you are married and can't live here as a couple".

On min wage, I guess neither have a career path or much in the way of prospects.

I'd set out some scenarios.

With both working full time, they may clear £2500 between them.

Depending where you live rent will vary (DS and DIL are paying £1800 pcm for a 1 bed flat in inner South London). If you aren't in London.

Rent: £850
Fares: £350
Utilities £300
C Charge £180
W rates £30
Phones £60
Netflix, etc £40
Food £350
Broadband £30

That's about £2200 and doesn'tallow for any debt or running a small car. On top of that they will have a deposit to find and probably stuff to buy. That may seem workable until one of them stops working when it certainly isn't. It leaves them with £150pcm each for "spends": clothes, haircuts, birthdays, night out, etc. No room there for a car, holidays, fun, etc.

Original poster
Larkslane · 08/04/2023 11:20

RosesAndHellebores
Thank you for taking the time to get that information together.
It’s very useful. I’m floundering about a bit!
I shall sit down with her with a coffee and address it all head on.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 08/04/2023 12:46

You’ve done your bit - now time for her husband to step up! I’d help her find a place before the wedding As it’ll be more difficult to ask them both to leave. Tough love here !

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 13:01

It has all become very serious very quickly.

how quickly is “quickly”?

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 13:02

Larkslane · 08/04/2023 11:20

RosesAndHellebores
Thank you for taking the time to get that information together.
It’s very useful. I’m floundering about a bit!
I shall sit down with her with a coffee and address it all head on.

A coffee and a chat is going to do squat all with someone like this OP

WandaWonder · 08/04/2023 13:04

Lots of babies you will have to look after I presume?

I would stop it now

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 13:04

It's up to her who she marries and when. But you definitely need to put your foot down OP in terms of paying for the wedding and having the couple to live with you.

Paperbagsaremine · 08/04/2023 13:10

I'd panic too, YANBU!

The sort of young woman that we WOULDN'T panic about in this situation would be a different person.

  • Be earning enough to cover her plans.
  • Have discussed expectations with her PiL-to be, and come to a working arrangement which everyone is more or less happy with
  • Have a plan to increase earnings to cover the cost of bringing up a child
  • be planning an engagement of at least 2 years as they need to know each other well before adding the stress of marriage and kids
  • Will have worked or volunteered for many years and learned to deal with difficulties and take responsibility

There are some 21 year olds like that, but it doesn't sound as if she's that mature herself yet...

Moveforward · 08/04/2023 13:11

I would help them.prepare a budget on paper to achieve what they want so they can see it and it's an opportunity to impress what's going to happen in a fair and clear way

Get them to write down their incomes, and how they will.save for a rental deposit, furnishings and the wedding. Encourage them to engage with charity shops so tap into their excitement with a helpful dose of reality. They will hopefully both start to understand as the message is regularly reinforced.

You can show them how if they wait a year they will have more savings to reach their goals.