Trauma dumping?

[spinachy]

Would appreciate any thoughts on this, feel like I'm being quite heartless.

Have been on a fair few first dates with nice people but never seem to click. Recently I have met a man with whom conversation flows due to various mutual interests/passions. We've been out 3 times now.

However even since date 1, he's revealed things that make me feel uncomfortable because they're quite heavy. Obviously you have to offer a sympathetic response but this can be quite tricky when taken by suprise and several glasses of wine down!

These include things like references to an abusive childhood, symptoms related to MH issues, mental health diagnoses, having been in therapy, suicide of a relative, a past partner having been in a abusive relationship.

I just don't know what to think as of course its disengenuous to present an idea of yourself that isn't true to a prospective partner, and I completely understand being open and honest about mental health from the get go.

Has anyone experienced this?

For reference, I'm an intensely private person and don't tend to share details like this at all, except in close established relationships. Fully appreciate that there's no right way to go about talking about trauma which is why I'm trying to gauge if I'm being selfish in feeling uncomfortable!

Ooh I think that's way too heavy for initial dates.

I would also feel v uncomfortable

A bit much. Tell him you are not his therapist and don’t feel your rl is at the stage to hear this.

I think these things are often very formative in someone’s life and, if he’s overcome them, it’s understandable he wants to discuss them. Some people just share early if they click with someone. If he’s aware of how those things affected him and has made a good life for himself, then that shows him in a good light.

However, I can see if you’ve not been through things like that it might feel strange initially for him to be sharing them and so early on. He may also be very conscious he doesn’t want to dump them on a potential partner late on and have them feel they didn’t have honesty from the start.

I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, but I have experienced similar things, so perhaps that makes a difference? Not sure. It’s a personality thing too, I think.

I think this is unfair. Unless he’s expecting a therapeutic response, I’d never say that. It may be taking him a lot to share it, whether it seems to or not and he may be trying to remove the shame and anxiety of sharing by just getting it out early.

references to an abusive childhood, symptoms related to MH issues, mental health diagnoses, having been in therapy, suicide of a relative, a past partner having been in a abusive relationship.

But you've only had 3 dates?? Holy moly run like hell. It feels like he's setting you up for something but I cant figure out what.

I met a friend like this and it didn't end well. Very very clingy and got scary angry when told even gently to back away.
She also lied outrageously.

I'd be out.

Far too much too soon, huge oversharing.

I'd be worried that it will make you feel responsible for his mental health/wellbeing, that you'll feel like you can't dump him, when this should be the time you're scoping him out and having fun, and instead it's about his vulnerabilities and trauma.

And (no doubt controversial for some) I wouldn't be particularly interested in taking up with someone with MH issues. It's one thing to have an established relationship with someone and support them, quite another to start a relationship with this much baggage. Fuck no.

feel like I'm being quite heartless

And that's the worrying bit - it shouldn't be that you're thinking that you ought to give him a chance because otherwise you're "heartless" - you shouldn't go out with someone for the sympathy vote.

He's overshared and put too much on you, and put you off, hasn't he, if you're honest? You should listen to that instinct.

He’s crossing a boundary by introducing such intense personal info so early on. It’s pushy and doesn’t give you space to explore
how you feel - you’re forced into a #BeKind corner, disempowered by his over sharing. Which is reflected by the fact that you’re doubting yourself enough to make this post, saying you don’t want to be heartless.

It’s a bit too much too early. I think it would put me off. I would consider it as a red flag.

Something else I’m reminded of - I have a troubled and needy acquaintance who says he ‘doesn’t do small talk’ and gets frustrated with those who do. But he doesn’t seem to realise that some people need to take time before they feel ready to entrust someone to hold space for their difficult feelings/thoughts/life events.

I think it's totally bogus that he's told you all that by 3 dates in, so I think bin. This sounds like a tactic to explain away and get you to put up with shitty behaviour. Whenever I have come across men sharing stuff like this, they have always ended up being short flings as they've been shit as a BF so got binned and I moved on. They want from the off for you to cut them slack, just don't bother, it's not worth it.

I'd actually prefer to know all of this stuff very early on, but of course it would depend on whether it felt like it was a therapy session or he was just stating things that happened in his life as he was telling you about himself.

For me I'd actually use it to ask questions, like "how does that affect you in relationships?"

Of course you have to have fun on the dates too though 😂but I'd rather know very early and try to secretly assess them and how their trauma impacted them or how serious their mental health diagnoses were rather than thinking he was all just fun and happy and emotionally healthy, and then only finding out he had mental health diagnoses after feelings had developed.

I think sometimes when you click you do share a lot quickly. You've mentioned a few 'meaty' subjects here but you've not indicated he was looking for a particular response. Could it be that actually you talked about an awful lot, but you've just forgotten what he said about his school geography trip, or the day his gran burnt the xmas dinner or he's never been to Butlins. Maybe you just did 3 months worth of sharing condensed into 3 dates...same ratio of boring:waffle:funny:interesting:BLOODY HELL just quicker.
Of course it's wise to not dive in yet but go with the flow. Did you tell him anything random and now you're thinking why?

Red flag. Keep well away, unless they are are very intune and have sorted out their trauma

I agree, this oversharing is a warning that he may be a difficult partner and blame it on his traumatic past. No need to bring all this up so early - unless you are not healed. Tread with caution OP.

To shoulder all his issues/be the punching bag for when he needs to offload.

Big red flag is that some of the traumas he’s talking about aren’t even his own.

On paper none of these are red flags and are just part of being a human being

abusive childhood, symptoms related to MH issues, mental health diagnoses, having been in therapy, suicide of a relative, a past partner having been in a abusive relationship

what I’ve seen is men don’t talk to men . So a 🍷 and a nice female face and boom
it all comes out

but you need to tread carefully and determine how over this he is , and how much of this past is haunting him now and how sorted he is
especially if you really like him

The man with the broken wing. He tells you his sob story, so that the natural nurturer in you will want to care for him, to give him the love and support lacking in his past. It also creates a more intimate relationship whether you are ready for that or not, he is telling you because "he really trusts you" and "finds you special."
It is also a good way of justifying any bad behaviour, like sulking or mood swings. And later on worse abuse. It is part of the abuser toolkit. It's not trauma dumping, it's using past trauma as a tactic to get a new partner/ supply.
He's just the poor little boy who never grew up properly because nobody loved him the right way. But that's ok Peter, Wendy is here now to read you a bedtime story and heal your mother wound.

Therapistmothermaid

ouch ! And true , yes , very true

Thanks everyone, so just like my original thoughts, a range of views!

To answer some qs - I get the impression he isn't completely over the things he's referencing (completely understandable) but he does keep it as light as it can be. He talks about his mum, sisters, ex partners with a great deal of affection and respect which I appreciate.

He's definitely an "oversharer" in general and has told me some other stories (which are more of the funny embarassing kind) so I think it is linked with his personality type.

One of the thing he referenced is a symptom which he said he'd understand if it may put off romantic partners. So I get that he's trying to be as honest as possible which again doesn't seem like a bad thing?

But then I flip back round again and do think that this level of sharing with anyone early on (friend, collegue, date) isn't ideal as it's just a lot to put on someone.

I dated a man like this. Met him at work in December 2020. I thought he was being overly reflective due to lockdown.

He went on to be very abusive.

I went to therapy for more than a year after and discovered that abusive (or untreated cluster B types) tend to lure you in with sob stories and too much emotional intimacy as strangers.

Avoid.

Yes, this.

I had a female friend I met last year do the same. She went on to be abusive to multiple people around her.

Real emotional intimacy can't be rushed. Healthy people aren't looking for a codependent.