Why do I always end up with shit men ?

[SpiritRanger]

Hi all. As my latest long term relationship has finished, I have been thinking whether I am a shit person or I just attract shit men? Every single relationship I have ever had, ended badly.

1st proper relationship, bf needed to go away for work for a year and cheated on me. Only found out as the woman's husband has contacted me.

2nd long term relationship- he was several years older. Moved in after year of dating and his drink habit came out. He was a nasty drunk and I was stuck for ages, young and stupid with not enough money to move. When I finally got out I had a life again. Plenty of friend, plenty of dates, no need for relationship.

Then I met my last partner. He seemed like the right kind of guy until I have moved with him and found he likes his drink and some drugs. He was a happy drunk but as he drunk lots, he didn't do much around the house. At that point I found out I was pregnant and couldn't bring myself up to get abortion. I love my child dearly but I have paid high mental price over the years being very dependant on him. I have always worked full time like him, and we have always earned similar but living near London with no family meant neither could go on our own.

He is now moving in the middle of cost of living crises, and I am scared shitless how I'm going to afford to live on my own. I earn too much for UC but not well enough to sustain decent life around here. Trust me I don't do anything extravagant but have child and pets and somehow money just goes.

Anyway, at some point I would like to meet the right man and maybe marry and have more children. I see my friends and acquaintances having nice lives, nice partners, lovely families.

A bit about me, I work hard, I study, I look after the pets, I do 90% pick ups / drop offs, I organise DCs schools bits, extra curriculum and do way more than 50% of house work. I am also higher earner. I am not an easy person I think ? I am ambitious, have decent standards, quite stubborn and determined. Example, despite having deadlines, I will stay up through half the night to make sure my DC has the birthday cake they asked for. I will go out of my way to decorate the house. I will ensure I'm at parents mornings. I organise fun days out and always pay for them. I do not however take shit from anyone. I will stand up for myself or anyone that needs it.

What is wrong with me or am I just unlucky to attract the wrong men and waste my life on them? There must be a way to meet nice guys that want similar things in life or is that as rare as winning lottery?

Help ! I don't want to make the same mistakes

Maybe it's a case of being a people-pleaser and not having great boundaries? You say you don't take any shit, but it sounds like you do - at least from men?

Like it's great that you're a hard worker and all, but shouldn't it be the baseline expectation that any partner of yours does a fair share at home, not you doing 90%? Maybe you give to much and do too much, and don't expect the man to step up enough? It doesn't make them grateful, it makes them complacent.

Thanks for your response. I do expect help and massive reason for which we are breaking up is the constant arguments about his lack of help, especially with his child. I thought I set boundaries but obviously not and not sure how to do it in the future. Although I cannot help but wonder whether part of me allowing this to get so far is due to financial reasons and always being stuck not wanting to struggle? No family around to help.

It is far better to be alone than with a bad partner.

Take your time. Don't rush into relationships and don't put up with crap from anyone. If someone treats you badly leave.

Basically, raise your standards about how you want to be treated.

Why don’t you consider moving to a cheaper part of the country? A fresh start and maybe closer to family if that would work for you?

TBH you sound incredibly strong and independent. Any man you allow into your life should be the cherry on top of the icing on your cake. In other words, you’re doing great and don’t need a partner but I can understand why you would like a relationship at some point. However, maybe have some time on your own where you get to figure out what you really do want.

Good luck to you.

I decided to take a year out from dating because I was always attracting the wrong ones. I wasn't, My boundaries were too low. But that year made me realise that I could live life by myself and didn't need anyone.
Now when I'm on a date, I think could this man enhance my life or is he just going to drain me. Either way, I have nothing to lose by saying no, you're not right for me.

Gosh I used to think this as all around me friends met someone decent, they stuck around and then got engaged etc.

I’m actually married now! But to do so I had to face a few hard truths. One is that ‘dangerous’, wild, exciting men are not good relationship material. I was equating unavailable with attractive and actively turning down anyone decent that was actively interested in me because I thought it was boring. A few rounds of therapy taught me that people could want to date me because they liked me, not because they were flawed!

The second truth was learning to set boundaries and stick to them. So making no excuses for men that took drugs or excessively used alcohol or used strippers or whatever. No excuses for men constantly late, men that didn’t text back, men that wanted to sleep with me but didn’t want a relationship, men that were shady, men that I suspected were still dating other people. All of them had to be gone. I equated unavailable with a challenge and had to be honest with myself that this was a recipe for bad news.

How serious are you about finding someone? Have you ever had therapy or would you consider it? I honestly found dating a minefield that magnified my flaws and would highly recommend therapy as a space to work through feelings.

But to do so I had to face a few hard truths. One is that ‘dangerous’, wild, exciting men are not good relationship material. I was equating unavailable with attractive and actively turning down anyone decent that was actively interested in me because I thought it was boring.
This from above is so so common. You have picked a couple of 'party' men. Drinkers and drug abusers. Why are you attracted to this sort of man? Do you equate reliable and available with boring?

Two drinkers is interesting.

Any drinkers in your childhood?

Sorry I sound like some weird beardy psychiatrist and you on the coach.

One of the biggest myths sold to women who keep meeting shit men is that they "have bad taste in men"

The fact is most men just aren't up to much. The majority are substandard.

Concentrate on your own life and don't waste your time worrying about finding a decent man. There's not many out there.

I feel for you. I’m a higher earner having worked my way up in my organisation, but I also live in the outskirts of London so it’s really difficult to live around here. In a few years when my youngest is 18 I’m looking at going back north where I grew up. Here I’m renting a 2bed flat, there I can buy a detached 3bed house with garden. Relationship wise for me too isn’t great. I feel for you, it’s crap

1. There's a lot of shit men out there. The majority.
2. The good ones are usually found where you least expect them. They have good relationships with their families, don't tell you lies and are often a slow burn rather than an explosion.

Too many men looking for an easy life draining a compliant woman. Drink/drug habits should warn you off. You'll never be first.

What was your parents' relationship like? I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett - picking two drinkers makes me wonder if you grew up with an alcoholic parent. Sometimes we repeat these patterns in our own relationships.

I find it interesting that the last 2's drinking issues only came out after moving in together. I think this is the key, missing it before. What were they like on nights out?

A year is a very long time to be able to hide a drinking habit. How long were you with the most recent partner before discovering the drinks/drugs? I've not known many people to do drugs, but they've always done it in a night out so it was obvious.

Hi All

To answer few questions.

1. I was not born in the UK so no family here at all. I cannot move too far from London because of my job and DC will need contact with his dad. I have also lived local to London for the last 20 years and not sure whether I'd find myself in another part of the country.

1. Alcohol in the family. Yes my dad liked a drink and there were arguments with my mum. He wasn't a bad alcoholic if I can call it as such. He had a job, always made sure we had money. His drinking was enhanced by his family ( who also caused a lot of other issues). This has stopped when my gran died quite few years back and he got an ultimatum from my mom. He has basically stopped drinking, only having drinks at parties.

1. I have missed the level of drinking as both men always behaved on dates. Had few drinks but never anything crazy. Latest man example when we were dating He was awesome. Always on hand, helpful, kind. I was on my way for our date and have broken down - my tyre popped. He came to me, changed my tyre, we dropped my car off and went on the date. I really thought I had scored this time!!! But once we moved together, he started to get stroppy about little things. He was drinking alone so much in the evenings, he could never get up on time for work. He was always running late which made him angry If I used bathroom as he needed to go. Basically noone was allowed around him when he was rushing like it was anyone's fault.

The drugs were mainly pot, again he wouldnt smoke around me so I couldn't have known. He would occasionally take something else if he had too much to drink and no energy. All of that I have learned while living together. The last one even more so when was I was already pregnant as he stopped hiding with it.

If i had my family here, I would have probably walked away as soon as I found out I was pregnant but unfortunately this was not the case so I stuck with him. His family is lovely, his parents are true British - very kind, well spoken, helpful, fabulous grandparents. I don't understand what has gone wrong with him 😕

So I wouldn't say I actively choose bad man. Maybe I'm just naive and miss their game?

Either way I'm so tired and fed up and now will have to struggle financially while he moves into his parents home and lives a high life. I'd like to have more children in the future and nice but and feel like time is running out for me.

I wonder if you rush in, and perhaps ignore bad signs? Was there really no clue as to the drink/drugs habit of partner 3 before you moved in?

How long did you know him before moving in? Did you holiday together ? Did he abstain over those 2 weeks?

Will he go to counselling instead of immediately splitting up?

How quickly do you choose to move them in?

You need to take plenty of time to wheedle out the red flags and find out if they are pale pink or bright scarlet

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there might be something wrong with you. If you drop that mindset, you'll assign responsibility appropriately to your/their actions, and spot more quickly when someone isn't right for you.

Boundaries aren't something you 'set', they're something you 'have'. It's a big difference. Talking about setting boundaries is talking about making sure that other people behave within your rules. That's not it. Having boundaries is about changing what you do, and being willing to walk away. That's all that 'having strong boundaries' means. It's not about asserting what you need and want; that happens in healthy relationships anyway. It's about understanding that people don't have to be wrong or bad to be the wrong person for you, and being willing to say 'this relationship doesn't suit me, so I'm leaving'.

I decided to take a year out from dating because I was always attracting the wrong ones. I wasn't, My boundaries were too low

this ! Op it’s awful and I’m realising the exact same after a year or so dating again

we live and learn and realising this is key

Buy the book - alcoholics anonymous for friends and families of alcoholics.

You are Co dependent (me too), we accept and love addicts, try to fix them, and find their antics exciting. They are losers, but we need to change our behaviour, to stop being their support human.

How much time did you spend with the latest guy before moving in? Did you know he liked drinking beforehand?

Excellent post @Watchkeys

Yes OP, id echo everyone here with their great advice. Its about spotting the signs and walking away early and saying to yourself its ok to be alone. I recognise I'm a people pleaser and did much more of the heavy lifting in relationships because on some level, I thought if I didn't do x/y/z and be super amazing and nice, they wouldn't like me/wouldn't make any effort in return. Now like a previous poster, I'll be observing how much effort they make for me. As a date once told me (a guy who became a friend), 'know your worth'.

I do appreciate its also a lot easier to do this if you have a support network around you, which you don't have, but you can do this

I think my people mistake fun for 'good'. That guy that's great at banter and fun at the bar is often not the best partner. That reckless guy that seems dangerous and exciting is often not the best partner. That guy that throws money at you and makes you feel like the most important thing in the world (love-bombing) is often not the best partner.

I'm not saying these are the sorts you're going for, but it's the quiet, simple, often less attractive and casual ones that often give you the world.

I don't remember exactly how long as it's been 7 years.... maybe 6 or 8 months? Probably far too early but I was much younger and clearly naive, dated tons and all those guys seemed shit so when I met him and they way he was, I thought he was perfect. Its probably why I question myself whether its me not him.

His mum once told he me he is a person that requires 'patting' when he does something right. I questioned why on earth would I pat an adult for washing up or doing a laundry ? Surely those are normal adult behaviours that he did when he lived alone. This is where a lot of arguments came from and the more we argued the more he drunk and blamed it on me.

We spent a lot of time together and no he never drunk lots. I turns out when he went home in the evenings he went out with mates and drunk.

Anyway I'm just trying to figure out how to change my behaviour so I don't fall into the same traps. I am taking time out from dating but I know what there will be a time where I'd like to meet someone and have a proper family and I maybe have 5 years to do so. Not a lot of time so I don't want to waste it on bad guys.

Thanks all 🙏