Why do I always end up with shit men ?

[SpiritRanger]

Hi all. As my latest long term relationship has finished, I have been thinking whether I am a shit person or I just attract shit men? Every single relationship I have ever had, ended badly.

1st proper relationship, bf needed to go away for work for a year and cheated on me. Only found out as the woman's husband has contacted me.

2nd long term relationship- he was several years older. Moved in after year of dating and his drink habit came out. He was a nasty drunk and I was stuck for ages, young and stupid with not enough money to move. When I finally got out I had a life again. Plenty of friend, plenty of dates, no need for relationship.

Then I met my last partner. He seemed like the right kind of guy until I have moved with him and found he likes his drink and some drugs. He was a happy drunk but as he drunk lots, he didn't do much around the house. At that point I found out I was pregnant and couldn't bring myself up to get abortion. I love my child dearly but I have paid high mental price over the years being very dependant on him. I have always worked full time like him, and we have always earned similar but living near London with no family meant neither could go on our own.

He is now moving in the middle of cost of living crises, and I am scared shitless how I'm going to afford to live on my own. I earn too much for UC but not well enough to sustain decent life around here. Trust me I don't do anything extravagant but have child and pets and somehow money just goes.

Anyway, at some point I would like to meet the right man and maybe marry and have more children. I see my friends and acquaintances having nice lives, nice partners, lovely families.

A bit about me, I work hard, I study, I look after the pets, I do 90% pick ups / drop offs, I organise DCs schools bits, extra curriculum and do way more than 50% of house work. I am also higher earner. I am not an easy person I think ? I am ambitious, have decent standards, quite stubborn and determined. Example, despite having deadlines, I will stay up through half the night to make sure my DC has the birthday cake they asked for. I will go out of my way to decorate the house. I will ensure I'm at parents mornings. I organise fun days out and always pay for them. I do not however take shit from anyone. I will stand up for myself or anyone that needs it.

What is wrong with me or am I just unlucky to attract the wrong men and waste my life on them? There must be a way to meet nice guys that want similar things in life or is that as rare as winning lottery?

Help ! I don't want to make the same mistakes

@SpiritRanger I would say you should look into therapy/CODA for the drinking aspect part.

And yes, perhaps he was a prince amongst the crap blokes you dated before. Its fine to maybe give it a chance but you should have walked at the early signs like drink. I think women just tolerate this stuff. My boundaries are far higher now. Its taken years!

The only thing that seems missing to me is boundaries

Yes, someone doesn't suddenly start drinking heavily every night and be late for work/struggle Did he never sleep over?

You mention impeccable behaviour on 'dates', but again you were with second guy for a year. There must have been signs, I know someone dating a guy with a drunk problem and it's obvious when they go out together

Perhaps you're a bit eager to have a relationship and don't take the time to get to know the person. I knew my husband socially for over some time before we dated. Dating was even a bit of an accident, we simply started going places together as friends and it was me who asked if this was a date, we hadn't even kissed by then.

Don't rush get to know your knew partner.

Thats the thing, I didn't notice. Single guy going out for drinks with his mates - didn't think it was unusual and didn't know the extent. There was also a lot of bottle hiding. It's only when I found empty bottles it has become apparent how bad it was. I mean people whom drink tons, can handle 4 drinks better than people who don't drink regularly. So when I though they did 2 drinks there were 4 or 5 in. Its hard to say but I thought I'd notice is sooner however anyone around me didn't either. Not even their parents. For both of them, the parents thought the sun shined out of their arses. Hard working, nice man front. I swear people thought i was delusional making it all up. Always painted the bad guy that nags and moans about nothing.

I would say:

• work on building better boundaries and recognising red flags from the start
• don't focus too much on relationships and build yourself a happy life without relying on a man. A good relationship would be a nice addition to your life but it should not be its main purpose.

Also I would say that my own experience of dating has taught that there are an awful lot of shitty men out there (especially if you use online dating)...selfish, porn-addicted, abusive, immature, misogynist, addicted to drug & alcohol.

I think especially if you are a bit older it is really quite difficult to meet a decent guy these days.

Maybe I'm just naive and miss their game?

Perhaps. Looking back did you feel the need to have a relationship because you were alone in the UK? There would have been red flags that you missed.

You seem to have a timeline for next relationship which I understand however that makes you more likely to ignore behaviour because you feel time is running out and you have financial pressures.

I was someone who ignored my gut instinct however I've changed that and now when I date I listen to it...it does mean I haven't had a relationship for a few years because no one has reached the bar. Yes it means I am single but I would prefer to stay that way rather than settle again.

Unfortunately the reality is, there are fewer good men available (who you may find attractive) so the odds are not in your favour. Can you accept that your life may include being singlen

I dont mind being single aa much. I would like another child though.

How did you change?

@SpiritRanger you have to reflect on yourself with complete honesty. Do you ignore red flags,are you hoping someone will change, are you ignoring your instincts, are you naive about people? I was naive and way too optimistic and perhaps arrogantly I thought I was a reasonable judge of character but now have to acknowledge I'm not.

So now I swerve anyone who shows signs of red flags. An example, I met a man through a hobby, from the outside he seemed great but he had been married and when I probed I found out his marriage ended through his affair. Ex h had an affair and my belief is people don't change..when the going gets remotely tough they will look for an affair partner. Could I be wrong about him? Maybe but I wasn't prepared to take the chance - I have the opposite of rose tinted glasses now, maybe a touch cynical but I would prefer that approach than be in a bad relationship again. Old me would have trusted his excuses.

Have you heard of the 5 factor personality model - those who are highly agreeable trust people way more than they should . Upshot...get to know yourself, learn from past relationships and don't be afraid to drop those who have red flags.

@Livinghappy thank you, will have a search online for the 5 factor model. Hopefully it will give me some insight

I dont mind being single aa much. I would like another child though.

One of the benefits of being a woman, one men don't have, you don't actually need a partner to have a child.

my belief is people don't change

No hope for OP then, she'll go on picking deadbeats. Of course people change, I'm not the person I was when I was 20 or 40. Something wrong with someone who doesn't learn from their experiences.