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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner keeps enabling adult sons bad behaviour and it's effecting our relationship

39 replies

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 17:47

I've been with my partner for 7 years. His youngest son (almost 20) still loves with us. The past 3 years have been really difficult. His son started using cocaine, he gave up employment and now does nothing. He sits in his bedroom all day playing Xbox and drinking beer..... No clue where he gets money to buy beer. He's never paid his way, helped out or contributed and it's really starting to grate on me.
He refuses to work, he acts like a 14 year old, sitting in his dirty room, expecting everyone to provide for him. I find this hard to watch and think he's old enough to live with the consequences of his actions but my partner keeps bailing him out, so he never actually faces the consequences.
This week we went out for cocktails (not done that for ages), on return we were kept awake until 4am with the son being drunk in his bedroom. The next day my partner's daughter phoned us in tears, saying the son had drunk phoned her slagging us off while drunk. I have seriously had enough. It's impacting my relationship cause my partner says one thing and does another. Today he gave him money for food.....this might seem like I'm being petty but I think if he can afford to get drunk and upset everyone then he can buy his own food. I've just had enough

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2023 18:20

I would ask him (your dp) to engage with services/support groups for the families of addicts and see what advice they have and whether you can come to a mutual strategy with external support.

Other than that, I'd consider leaving myself, in your shoes. If your partner wants to continue to support/enable his son in this way, then I don't really see what you can do other than opt out of the whole thing.

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 18:54

My partner already found a drug substance support group for him, he chose not to engage. I love my partner but I can't continue living like this

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 07/04/2023 18:59

I couldn't live like that either. I really feel for you.

I think in your shoes I would make clear to dp that this is not something I'd be prepared to put up with any longer and either he is firm with his son about getting help and he no longer enables him or the relationship is over. I appreciate easier said than done though.

AgrathaChristie · 07/04/2023 19:02

If his son won’t engage with any help and doesn’t seem motivated to stop using drugs and alcohol then it’s a downward spiral. If he’s still using cocaine that has to be paid for, get into debt with drug dealers and we’ve all seen the outcome of that on the news.
I agree with pp and think it’s time to find away to move out, ir move them both out, depending on whose house it is.

category12 · 07/04/2023 19:03

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 18:54

My partner already found a drug substance support group for him, he chose not to engage. I love my partner but I can't continue living like this

No, I meant for your partner (and you) to attend for support & advice. You can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink, with the addict himself.

But your partner could probably do with help regarding enabling etc.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2023 19:15

Whose house is it? I couldn’t live like that. He goes or I’d go (yeah, hard hearted cow but life is too short)

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 19:17

@Cherrysoup

Same. My 13 year old son sounds more responsible to be honest. Deal breaker.

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 20:10

It's my partners house. I'm so close to leaving, it's really hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 20:11

That's why I'm frustrated, he's turning 20 but acting like a child, I can't be bothered

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 07/04/2023 20:15

If he buys drugs but doesn't work likely he deals. Imagine sat watching TV and your home is raided?
You need to leave op..

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 20:16

I want my partner to tell him to leave
I don't want to give him an ultimatum though

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 07/04/2023 20:18

I would leave, you can still have a relationship and date him once a week but don't live with him.

serene12 · 07/04/2023 20:54

www.famanon.org.uk is a 12 step programme for the family/friends of a loved one with a suspected drug problem. They have a forum, literature, helpline and meetings.
I found their support invaluable. Tough Love had to be in place, otherwise my loved one would have remained in addiction which is a disease. By enabling we are keeping our loved ones sick. There is no incentive to recover, if we are providing money, food, shelter etc. Addicts have to face the consequences of their poor choices. Addicts often have to face ‘rock bottom’, before they seek help and ultimately recovery.
My loved one thanked me for using Tough Love, as he said that he wouldn’t be the wonderful young adult that he is today.

Famanon

Families Anonymous is a world-wide fellowship of family members and friends affected by another’s abuse of mind-altering substances, or related behavioural problems.

http://www.famanon.org.uk

OhMerde · 07/04/2023 21:24

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 20:16

I want my partner to tell him to leave
I don't want to give him an ultimatum though

You don't have to give him an ultimatum. You possibly shouldn't either given that it's his son. All you can do is realise that the situation isn't going to change any time soon and so quietly work out whether you can tolerate it or not. If you can't, explain this to your partner and put plans in place to leave. It's about having boundaries and being clear to yourself about what you will or won't put up with.

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 22:08

Thanks for your reply, find it helpful

OP posts:
ChickenBurgers · 07/04/2023 22:11

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/04/2023 20:15

If he buys drugs but doesn't work likely he deals. Imagine sat watching TV and your home is raided?
You need to leave op..

I would be willing to bet money he’s dealing. Gets a bit of money and most likely some free gear on the side to fuel his habit. It usually doesn’t end well.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2023 22:14

You should be running for the hills like your arse is on fire. Your living situation sounds absolutely fucking miserable. I wouldn't be able to stand it for a day.

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 22:22

He gives him money for food and when I challenge this, he says " I can't see him starve", which I understand but he should be using his own money to buy his own food, it's just a piss take

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2023 22:24

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2023 22:14

You should be running for the hills like your arse is on fire. Your living situation sounds absolutely fucking miserable. I wouldn't be able to stand it for a day.

This is exactly what I think. I just couldn't put up with that.

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 22:31

Its your partners house and his sons home.

You have tolerated it for years and I doubt it will change soon.

You need to suck it up or make plans to leave.

Either way I would imagine this awful situation will remain.

suburbophobe · 07/04/2023 22:45

I couldn't be living like that OP and I'm sorry you are.

I would also not be impressed with a man who indulges his son like that. Especially at an age when he should be getting his life together, study, work, hang out with friends etc.

I hope you find a solution for yourself and take stock of your life. How do you see this sitution looking 5, 10 years into the future? Wish you all the best.

DuckyShincracker · 07/04/2023 22:52

I've lived with a difficult SS and I can't say it was fun for either of us. In the end his Dad stepped up and didn't accept SS staying in his room doing sweet FA all day whilst he grafted. I probably got the blame but it was his Dad that couldn't take it. I sort of sat back and let it unfold. My youngest DSS lives with us now and he's a lovely lad and doesn't pay much money into the house as he's on a low wage. He's a pleasure to live with. It's not really the money that's the issue it's the attitude. You are being treated with contempt in your own home it's not something you can live with long term.

Original poster
Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 22:54

I never imagined living like this, I'm anxious most of the time, and trying to keep quiet and not rock the boat.
It's my 50th next week, I just want to be able to live in a house that's relaxed and safe, am I asking too much

OP posts:
Flakjacketon · 07/04/2023 23:09

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2023 20:18

I would leave, you can still have a relationship and date him once a week but don't live with him.

I agree with this. Your DP is v unlikely to issue an ultimatum to his son, and even if he did, he is unlikely to force his son out if he refuses to go, so don't waste your breath.
So no ultimatums; find your own place, your own peace and date your DP if you want.

alexdgr8 · 07/04/2023 23:12

this is never going to work.