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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner keeps enabling adult sons bad behaviour and it's effecting our relationship

39 replies

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 17:47

I've been with my partner for 7 years. His youngest son (almost 20) still loves with us. The past 3 years have been really difficult. His son started using cocaine, he gave up employment and now does nothing. He sits in his bedroom all day playing Xbox and drinking beer..... No clue where he gets money to buy beer. He's never paid his way, helped out or contributed and it's really starting to grate on me.
He refuses to work, he acts like a 14 year old, sitting in his dirty room, expecting everyone to provide for him. I find this hard to watch and think he's old enough to live with the consequences of his actions but my partner keeps bailing him out, so he never actually faces the consequences.
This week we went out for cocktails (not done that for ages), on return we were kept awake until 4am with the son being drunk in his bedroom. The next day my partner's daughter phoned us in tears, saying the son had drunk phoned her slagging us off while drunk. I have seriously had enough. It's impacting my relationship cause my partner says one thing and does another. Today he gave him money for food.....this might seem like I'm being petty but I think if he can afford to get drunk and upset everyone then he can buy his own food. I've just had enough

OP posts:

Original poster

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:17

I don't want to lose my relationship because of some one else

OP posts:

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 23:29

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:17

I don't want to lose my relationship because of some one else

You don't have to. Can you just live separately for a while? That might kick you partner into doing something about the situation

Original poster

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:32

I gave up my own place to move in with my partner. I think if I moved out, it would end up permanent because I'd feel like he'd let us down and didn't value or feel as committed to our relationship as I am. So if I went it would be for good

OP posts:

Parky04 · 07/04/2023 23:38

His son becomes before you, so you need to end the relationship and move out. Pretty simple really.

category12 · 08/04/2023 00:44

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 22:54

I never imagined living like this, I'm anxious most of the time, and trying to keep quiet and not rock the boat.
It's my 50th next week, I just want to be able to live in a house that's relaxed and safe, am I asking too much

You're not, but I doubt your partner will evict his son.

If he was your son, would you throw him out? Maybe you would, but a lot of parents would not. Or it would have to be even worse to do so.

Difficult. It's a shame you gave up your home.

duvetdissident · 08/04/2023 01:56

how long have you lived there? How easy is it for you to find somewhere else to live?

DoSitUpForAChat · 08/04/2023 02:24

Your 'DP' is a major part of the problem. More so than the SS.

Get rid. Life is way too short to be putting up with that shit.

WitheredandOld · 08/04/2023 03:27

Personally I would leave. You could be in a relationship while living apart.

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 04:08

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:32

Sadly I think it boils down to whether you could see yourself living like this - or worse- in ten years time as it does seem unlikely your dp will change and his son even less so. Is your relationship with dp worth another ten years of your current situation?

If the answer is no, you really need to take action now rather than let time go by.

alexdgr8 · 08/04/2023 21:17

Parky04 · 07/04/2023 23:38

His son becomes before you, so you need to end the relationship and move out. Pretty simple really.

this is the reality.
he is not as committed to the relationship as you are;
that is inevitable, he has a son.
children come before partners.

partners may change or go.
parenthood is for life.
it's unfortunate that he has a problem son.
but he will not abandon him for you.
so you need to decide where you want to be.

Ooolaaaala · 08/04/2023 22:44

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:17

I don't want to lose my relationship because of some one else

You have lost your RS because of your DP not anyone else.

He is a shit lazy DF who has allowed this to happen since his child was only 17.

Your DP is irresponsible and his poor DS mental health will be shot to be so entrenched in drink and drugs at such a young age with zero work / educational to build his self esteem and social skills.

These situations always continue to deteriorate - this is going to get seriously messier and messier.

You have no idea who he is dealing with or in debt to.

It sounds to getting nastier and twisted with the phone call.

This is a huge task to turn this around - your DP is happy to throw you under the bus for an easy life. He’s not going to put in boundaries for years and you don’t need to be living in this toxic squalor which will lurch from one incident and crisis to the next.

He is dealing as there is no way he can afford this expensive habit otherwise.

Dont even waste your breath and headspace with your DP - just decide that you are fundamentally incompatible.

You have done 3 years of this don’t do anymore

MrsSlocombesCat · 29/09/2023 12:56

You’re looking at this the wrong way round. Your partner does love you but parents love their kids unconditionally. He’s not going to throw his son out on the street, and even if he did he would possibly resent you for making him do it. This isn’t about his feelings for you. He is in a difficult situation with his son, and you should either support him or move out. It’s not that you have to end the relationship because he let you down… it’s the situation he’s in. You could stay together but live apart for the time being. Parenting is hard when your kids are adults but not behaving like it. Just move out, get some breathing space and then see how you feel.

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 16:23

@Breezer2018

OP I don't know if you're still reading your thread or not, or whether you're still suffering the situation you described or you've taken the decision to move out to your own calm space.

I hope all's well with you and you are coping with life well. 🌹

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/09/2023 17:46

Breezer2018 · 07/04/2023 23:17

I don't want to lose my relationship because of some one else

But you don't have a decent relationship.

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