Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband arranged for mother-in-law to stay

41 replies

HopeG · 07/04/2023 15:56

Hi everyone,
I wanted to get a gauge of whether I have been unreasonable to feel like I do.

My mother-in-law offered to look after my son for one day a week, while I worked a half day.

She lives a 20 minute drive from us but then asked my husband if she could stay overnight every week the night before the day she would look after my son rather than travel on the morning to our house.

When my husband mentioned this I told him I felt it would be too much to happen every week. His response was he couldn’t tell her that and I had to put up with it and be grateful because she was offering free childcare.

This arrangement continued for 2 years all through the pandemic when I couldn’t see my own parents or family who lived across the country, which I found very difficult.

My mother-in-law also would make a lot of comments and is very opinionated. My husband would always agree with her, and she with him on things, and so I often felt ganged up on. It made it a very difficult time for me.

My husband still believes I was in the wrong for finding it difficult and feeling it wasn’t fair on me.

Was I in the wrong?

OP posts:

Imridiculous · 07/04/2023 15:59

2 years?!
Bloody hell, you are a saint to put up with that. I wouldn’t have.

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 16:24

Thank you! Glad to know it wasn’t just me feeling it wasn’t reasonable.

OP posts:

Radiatorvalves · 07/04/2023 16:41

Crikey that would drive me potty. I like MIL but not every week!

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 16:47

Thanks, glad it’s not just me 🥲

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 07/04/2023 16:49

What age is your son ,? Maybe suggest to granny he could stay at hers the night of babysitting day,?

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 16:54

Hi thanks so much for your comment, the arrangement has ended now my son is at school but it was always said they couldn’t have him at theirs because they have no toys and FIL worked from home. The reason I am asking is my husband still says I was unreasonable for finding the situation difficult.

OP posts:

PotKettel · 07/04/2023 16:58

Not an easy situation but why are you both STILL harping on about it?

if your dh gangs up with his mum against you, then that’s an issue. But I wouldn’t keep dragging it back to an arrangement that’s over and done with.

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 17:01

The reason is because I feel the situation had a very negative impact on our marriage and I want to know if I was in the wrong to feel unhappy with the situation.

OP posts:

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/04/2023 17:03

I would move on from the matter, it was a few years ago. If you focus on the past you'll loose the enjoyment out of the present.

But YANBU.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2023 17:05

The staying overnight might have been the best way depending on how early a start she was being asked to do. 5am or 10am?

With regards to the comments, it's difficult to know who WBU without examples. Eg ' I don't think you should give your two week old beer op' or 'youre rubbish at changing his nappy' no one knows without examples

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/04/2023 17:06

Fuck me I'd have been driven mad by that and my MIL is fab. She was marking her territory and your husband let her.

Anycolouryoulike · 07/04/2023 17:07

Do you want to move on from it? You need to focus on the now and stop dwelling on it.

NENew · 07/04/2023 17:08

Easy answer though. I would booked and paid for childcare and changed this arrangement

Theelephantinthecastle · 07/04/2023 17:08

How early did you need her to start? Both my mum and MIL seem to find it super hard to get out of the house early now that they are older so if you needed her there by 8, say, I can sort of understand why she needed to stay

And how much did you need the childcare? Was it more that she wanted to do it or that you couldn't find or afford paid childcare?

I think those are the two things that would sway me either way

TomeTome · 07/04/2023 17:14

HopeG · 07/04/2023 16:54

Your husband doesn’t get to choose what you find difficult or unhappy about. You did it, you didn’t like it, he can feel however he likes about it but he doesn’t get to choose how you feel.

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 17:17

Thank you 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 17:18

It was an 8.30am start. Because I only worked the morning it saved us about £20 a week and we could have afforded that. But the offer was made and implied as doing us a favour.

OP posts:

Original poster

HopeG · 07/04/2023 17:19

Yea I think you are right.

OP posts:

Theelephantinthecastle · 07/04/2023 17:26

8:30 seems fine to me but there is absolutely no way my mum or MIL could regularly get themselves leaving the house at 8 once a week, they both just faff and faff and faff.

I think there's part of me that feels that it's not ok to take a favour like free childcare from someone you can't stand to spend an evening with once a week. If you dislike her that much, you shouldn't have let her do it at all

BHRK · 07/04/2023 17:29

If you didn’t like it why didn’t you just get childcare rather than accepting her help for free? It must have suited you…

GiraffeGaffLaugh · 07/04/2023 17:40

My husband would always agree with her, and she with him on things, and so I often felt ganged up on. It made it a very difficult time for me.

I think for that reason alone I would have found it very hard if you were always treated as though you were in the wrong.

My own Mother who was an absolute star would leave the house at 6.30am to travel 1 hour to get to me every week just to see me and my children. She left that early to avoid rush hour traffic on a notoriously busy motorway. Never phased her, never needed to sleep over. She was an incredible help, would never get involved in any disagreements between me and Dh, if either of us looked to her she said not my marriage. But then again Dh would back me up and I always feel like he is in my corner.

I think you are a saint for allowing that to go on for 2 years, 2 months would have been enough for most people. Your Dh doesn't get it because it is his Mother. Imagine if it had been your best friend staying who would agree with you on everything and how he would feel being ganged up on. I also wonder how your MIL would have felt about her MIL staying every week for 2 years.

Hiphopopotamus · 07/04/2023 17:42

This is actually the current arrangement we have with my MIL - she comes and stays overnight every week to look after my daughter for a day and a half. I’m incredibly grateful that she does as it saves us hundreds of pounds in childcare and it’s really lovely seeing the bond grow with her and her granddaughter. This feels like a real case of don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2023 17:43

That would have driven me insane. However, i do agree with him that it was the price of ‘free’ childcare. You could always have put your foot down and declined the childcare itself and ended the situation.

bumblebeees · 07/04/2023 17:51

Maybe I'll be the odd one out here but I DO think ur in the wrong as she was doing u a big favour by providing free childcare which we all know is very expensive. I'm sure if she could drive she would do but it doesn't sound like she can?

My mum helps out about every 2/3 weeks and always stays over and my hubby has no issue with that as she's doing us a favour!!!

BessieSurtees · 07/04/2023 17:56

I looked after one of my DGC during the pandemic there is no way I would have got up dressed out of the house and drove 20 mins, and I’m a hands on grandma. My solution was that my DD either dropped them off the night before or on her way to work. If that wasn’t an option I would have stayed over at hers.

How did her staying over one night a week have a very negative effect on your marriage, what happened?

The negative effect is more likely because your DH ignored how you felt, you could have declined the offer and paid the £20.

There must be more to it to still be affecting you now?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread