Husband arranged for mother-in-law to stay

[HopeG]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to get a gauge of whether I have been unreasonable to feel like I do.

My mother-in-law offered to look after my son for one day a week, while I worked a half day.

She lives a 20 minute drive from us but then asked my husband if she could stay overnight every week the night before the day she would look after my son rather than travel on the morning to our house.

When my husband mentioned this I told him I felt it would be too much to happen every week. His response was he couldn’t tell her that and I had to put up with it and be grateful because she was offering free childcare.

This arrangement continued for 2 years all through the pandemic when I couldn’t see my own parents or family who lived across the country, which I found very difficult.

My mother-in-law also would make a lot of comments and is very opinionated. My husband would always agree with her, and she with him on things, and so I often felt ganged up on. It made it a very difficult time for me.

My husband still believes I was in the wrong for finding it difficult and feeling it wasn’t fair on me.

Was I in the wrong?

Is this a roundabout way of saying you have a husband problem op?

Would it have caused bad feeling if you declined the offer of childcare from MIL? I have a feeling it would have, or you would have paid the extra £20.
The early morning start is a tricky one. My own mum looks after DS one day a week while I work and I meet her halfway so she doesn't have to start her day before 08:30 (she is not a morning person and an earlier start would be tough on her). I then sprint back home and log on!
The part about your DH and MiL hanging up on you seems like the real issue and it sounds like an ongoing one. I sympathize. My MIL has stayed with us a lot in recent years for various reasons and has a tendency to be intrusive and overbearing. She has shown some quite challenging behaviour at times I noticed that my DH has a knee-jerk reaction to back her up on even the smallest disagreement, and to get annoyed with me for even BEING annoyed in the first place. This has impacted my marriage in a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle ways and I can sort of see why you are still ruminating on the childcare issue, OP

*ganging up, I mean!

Your husband has no right to tell you that you're unreasonable to have found a situation difficult. The fact is you found it difficult - there isn't any 'reasonable' or 'unreasonable' about it. It happened.

And it's entirely understandable that you found it difficult - someone staying in your house once every week, making unkind comments and ganging up on you with your husband (so also confirmation once a week that your husband was happy to criticise you, ganging up with his mum). It would be very unusual if you hadn't found that difficult.

Ask your husband - if YOUR mum had stayed once a week for 2 years, and been unkind to him and ganged up with you to criticise him, would he have been OK with that?

YANBU. Of course she didn't need to stay the night before looking after DC for a few hours from 8:30am. That would have driven me bonkers as it really amounts to no help at all (because you probably have to look after MIL the night before, wash the bedding, put up with the chat etc ) because I bet your DH wasn't doing it. Yes I do get on with my MIL by the way, but wouldn't want 1 night a week.

What is with people in the UK who need to stay overnight for a mere 20 minute drive? FFS, that's just not normal. If it were 3 hours, yeah, but 20 mins to an hour and a half? Geesus Chryst!

Your husband sound selfish and like he is not committed to you and does not see you as a team, but sees him and his mother as the team. You should have nipped this in the bud, what is wrong with you putting up with this for 1 week, let alone 2 years? Your husband lives with you and sleeps with you. You need to tell him he needs to work out who he wants to anger the least. His own wife who he lives and sleeps with, or his mother.

The reason the situation put strain on your marriage was and still is the fact that your wishes were not considered or taken into account and that what your husband and his mum wanted to happen, happened despite how you felt about it.

i am also guessing he still sides with his mum on anything and your wishes are always ignored?

It’s interesting how your DH feels he can say NO to you, tell you how you should feel etc but can’t say NO to his mum…..

Two years with MIL staying over, I imagine you having to look after her (because it wouldn’t have been your DH right?) etc… was much much too long.

How often is your MIL barging in and imposing something on you as a family? Like where you spend Christmas, when you are coming over, if your dc stays over at hers, hols etc….

And btw, you have a DH problem here.
And a massive one too.

So sorry I misunderstood, your husband should have backed you up with his mum,

How have you extrapolated "people in the UK" from the OP?

YANBU essentially your husband didn't care about your opinion at the time, is dismissive about the affect it has had on you and your marriage and is trying to blame you entirely for the emotional impact his behaviour has caused you.

This man doesn't respect or love you and wants you to just do as he wants for a quiet life, he will no doubt always put his mother and other above you.

He sounds like an awfully neglectful husband, he treats his wife like an inconvenience.

You should have paid for child care if you didn't like the arrangement.
Not sure why you're still strung up about it, maybe it's time to let it go.

I've noticed it's a pattern on mumsnet, if people drive for longer than half an hour, they are their family seem to need to stay over. It's someone I've noticed in many, many, threads on this site over many years.

Sorry,
they or their family
It's something I've noticed