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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Honest opinions please

63 replies

Bel2379 · 07/04/2023 09:19

I’m morally torn and have no idea what to do.

I agreed 3 months ago to go to my best friends 30th birthday party. At this time I was single .
I broke up with my ex a year ago and now he wants to try again …. His birthday is on my friends birthday party date.

He wants me to ditch the party for him as it’s his birthday and I’m not prioritising him.
Ive explained the plans were made months ago and my friend has been there throughout the breakup (it was messy) and I’m not just going to ditch her - she’s even invited him.

I know it’s not ideal but I planned a whole day for us the day before - London , booked a table for dinner but he said it’s not good enough as it’s not his birthday then.

I now feel very guilty and torn

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 07/04/2023 09:51

Go to your friends party and ditch him! he shouldnt be behaving like that he sounds like a child!

ThePinkQualityStreet · 07/04/2023 09:53

100% go to your friends party.

DoSitUpForAChat · 07/04/2023 09:54

Keep him as an ex.

piedbeauty · 07/04/2023 09:54

No way. Go to your friend's party and think hard about why your ex is asking this. If he was a good person he'd tell you to go to the party.

Keep him dumped and see your friend. He's a selfish tosser.

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 09:55

He's a knob and was an ex for a reason.
Gather your self respect, go to your friends party, otherwise she may not be there for you when you inevitably split up with him again.

category12 · 07/04/2023 09:55

Did you post about him previously? I feel like there was another thread recently where someone was getting back with someone she'd broken up with over controlling behaviours, and immediately they were getting back together, the exact same behaviours were starting all over again.

Anyhow, you've offered him a really lovely day to celebrate his birthday, he could even come to your friend's party, and he's still being an arsehole.

Your moral dilemma isn't one. He's asking things he shouldn't, because he's not a good man.

Maze76 · 07/04/2023 09:56

Like others have said - go to your friends party. You made these plans when you were single and it sounds like your friend has been really supportive- don’t let her down.
In my opinion, your ex? Partner is demonstrating controlling behaviour, I think you really need to evaluate the reasons why you’re going back to him- is it loneliness, missing the sex?..

Men come and go -good friends are harder to come by.

MrsXx4 · 07/04/2023 09:56

Don’t be a dick! Go to your friends party! Ditch this complete twat!

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2023 10:02

your ex will be an ex again soon so prioritize your lovely friend who will be picking up the pieces (again!)

iLiveALifeOfSin · 07/04/2023 10:03

Your be a really shit friend if you didn't go to the party.

sanityisamyth · 07/04/2023 10:04

Borracha · 07/04/2023 09:21

You shouldn't even have to ask. There is no way you should even consider ditching your friend, and the fact that your ex is pushing you to do this in favour of him raises a billion red flags.

You would be a fool to do this and will only have yourself to blame when it goes tits up with him again and this time your friend isn't interested in wiping your tears.

100% this. He's an ex for a reason. Remember those reasons.

Thelnebriati · 07/04/2023 10:13

Your ex is demanding you choose between him or your friend. Why is this a dilemma for you? Go to The Freedom Program website and sign up for the course asap!
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/04/2023 10:16

It could not be more obvious that you should go to your friend's party.
why did you break up? What has changed since then?

Chonk · 07/04/2023 10:23

If I was your friend and you not only got back with your deadbeat ex but also ditched my 30th birthday for him, you wouldn't be my friend any longer.

Tealsofa · 07/04/2023 10:32

and what first attracted you to this spoiled selfish boy-child?

He wants me to ditch the party for him as it’s his birthday and I’m not prioritising him.
Ive explained the plans were made months ago and my friend has been there throughout the breakup (it was messy) and I’m not just going to ditch her - she’s even invited him.

I know it’s not ideal but I planned a whole day for us the day before - London , booked a table for dinner but he said it’s not good enough as it’s not his birthday then.

I now feel very guilty and torn

Read these parts, why are you even entertaining this?

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2023 10:34

Go to the party, you’d be a fool to neglect a friend like that. You will need her when it gets through to you that’s he’s a selfish arsehole and you are valuing yourself very low to get back with him. Maybe you will meet someone amazing there!

PegasusReturns · 07/04/2023 10:36

Decent men don’t behave like this red flag waving loser and it’s concerning you even have to ask what to do.

qqq82 · 07/04/2023 10:39

Chonk · 07/04/2023 10:23

If I was your friend and you not only got back with your deadbeat ex but also ditched my 30th birthday for him, you wouldn't be my friend any longer.

This ^

This is all so obvious I'm not even convinced it's real

Shoelacesundone · 07/04/2023 10:39

The only way I'd have some sympathy with his viewpoint is if you dumped him or cheated on him then clicked your fingers and wanted him to come running.

In that case I'd understand how he might feel the need for you to prove something to him and put him first.

Unless this is the case I think its terrible you feel guilty or torn....because it's quite simple. He should let this drop.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2023 10:46

qqq82 · 07/04/2023 10:39

This ^

This is all so obvious I'm not even convinced it's real

Show quote history

I agree. There can’t possibly be a dilemma here

Whataretalkingabout · 07/04/2023 10:54

I would thank my ex for reminding me right away why I left the childish selfish controlling B in the first place.
How many reminders do you need OP?
Have fun at your friend’s party!

rainbowstardrops · 07/04/2023 11:04

Chonk · 07/04/2023 10:23

If I was your friend and you not only got back with your deadbeat ex but also ditched my 30th birthday for him, you wouldn't be my friend any longer.

Same here

DatingDinosaur · 07/04/2023 11:09

Honest opinion? It’s not about morals, it’s about boundaries – he’s trying to trample all over yours and using emotional guilt/blackmail to do it. Did he always sulk when he didn’t get his own way?

From the tone of your op, it sounds like he’s already pissing you off - so is it - is HE - really worth it? I’d probably take this as A Sign that you two aren’t right for each other, tbh. A decent guy would be disappointed, maybe, but would understand and be happy you’ve made the alternative plans/effort.

Go to the party.

forgotname · 07/04/2023 11:09

He sounds yuk!

You could celebrate during the day with him and both go to your friends party.

If i were your friend and you ditched me I wouldn't speak to you again. Honestly

Opentooffers · 07/04/2023 11:24

I think this might be the 3rd time you've posted this 'dilemma'. Same answers as before.

Swipe left for the next trending thread