Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum and inappropriate comments

29 replies

Dolares · 06/04/2023 15:09

She's always been a bit... odd, but her comments seem to get worse as she gets older (nearly 70).

She's visiting us at the moment (only happens once or twice a year) and she announces to my DCs that she liked going over the hills in the car because "it feels nice down below"! Fortunately DC are young enough that they hadn't got a clue what she was talking about and they were distracted by something else anyway. But i heard it and have added it the list in my head of other weird shit she has said.

One example: That DH will find somewhere else to "dip his wick" if I don't get my act together. (I had severe PND)

Add this to her loud shrill voice that goes right through me, her negativity and her insistance of being correct all the time and I find her a very difficult person to be around. Only 5 more days to go.

OP posts:
Squamata · 06/04/2023 15:15

She sounds horrible. Have you ever had therapy about this? It sounds like the odd off comment is the tip of the iceberg and she's been dragging you down for decades.

Being that insensitive to your PND (sympathies to you Flowers) also sounds more malicious than insensitive.

Reduced inhibition and saying inappropriate sexual things can be a sign of dementia, I think - but if she's just a bit nasty, you don't have to put up with it. Your kids might not understand now, but they don't stay small for long!

Why does she visit for that long at a time? Does she live far away?

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 15:23

@Squamata she lives 250 miles away so any visit is about this length. I moved that far away from home nearly 20 years ago to escape, so yes there's a lot of history.

I haven't had therapy, but probably should. She still has a weird hold over me. I feel tense and on my guard for criticism at every turn. Its exhausting.

OP posts:
FizzyWineAndCrisps · 06/04/2023 15:36

Has she always said inappropriate things like this? Because it can be a sign of dementia.
I have a relative who says inappropriate things similarly though, its just the way she was, we had to stop seeing her for the DCs sake because of it because it became really inappropriate in front of the DC.

FictionalCharacter · 06/04/2023 15:36

Do you actually enjoy having her to stay at all (if so, why?!) or do you host these visits because of the hold she has over you? You don't have to have her to stay at all, but if you choose to, you could make them shorter or less frequent.

TruffleWaffle · 06/04/2023 15:43

If it's not new it's just the way she is and all you can do is talk to her about how inappropriate it is and ask her not to do it.

My Grandmother was/is similar though I don't remember her making inappropriate comments when I was a child but possibly because I didn't clock them.

In my late teens and onwards I can think of numerous examples but to be honest I thought they were funny even though they were inappropriate.

When I was in my 20s she disclosed to her children (my Dad included) in a very inappropriate way that she'd been sexually abused in childhood by her Dad. Which made a lot of sense.

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 15:45

She's always made odd comments but I think they're becoming more obvious. Or maybe I'm just noticing them more now that I'm a parent and I'm hyper alert to the DC hearing anything they shouldn't.

@FictionalCharacter I don't enjoy her coming to stay. I was put on the spot this time, she phoned me 2 weeks ago and said she'd booked time off work and was looking at train times, would I mind a visit. How do you say no without causing drama in that situation?

Previous times she has visited, she has stayed in a hotel and then prioritises sightseeing and visiting my DHs family than spending time with her own grandchildren. She won't speak to them on the phone so this is their only contact with her. I facilitate the visit for their sake really. They like her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 15:48

I would consider seeing a therapist to address your fear, obligation (you moved to get away from her yet she still visits your home) and guilt re your mother. Do read the Out of the Fog website and look at Dr Ramani on YouTube . You may also want to read the current Well we took you to Stately Hones thread on these pages too.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. She likes having you around to abuse and otherwise mistreat, she knows what she is doing here. She is now old snd abusive whereas she was once young and abusive. Do you know anything about her own family background as this could give clues.

You would not put up with this from a friend let alone her. Your boundaries here re her are too low and she has taken full advantage of your hospitality. You are well within your rights to tell her to leave your home earlier than she planned.

You do not mention your dad here, is he still around?.

Squamata · 06/04/2023 15:50

If it really feels like it messes with your head, I'd try some therapy to unpick what the dynamic is. Your mum criticising you will have a real impact on your confidence, I imagine you'd feel you're never good enough or that there's some magical day when she'll approve of you without reservation.

It's not too late to change a relationship or decide how to continue on your own terms, if you understand how it works better you might be able to challenge her and feel more empowered.

At 70, I'd be wary of her having an illness or something that makes her more vulnerable and then you might feel you lost the chance to really tackle the issue, or might feel obliged to take on more caring and responsibility.

You're a mother with your own children now, not a little girl - you choose the rules of what's acceptable to you. Your children will learn from what you accept.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 15:51

You are doing your kids no favours at all by having your mother at all visit. She’s basically using them as a form of narcissistic supply and of course they like her. Children are pretty much indiscriminate in who they like as well and they don’t realise they are also being manipulated.

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2023 15:52

Your kids won’t enjoy hanging out with your mum once they start expressing their own opinions. She will become nasty and play one off against the other. They will also notice the inappropriate/weird/embarrassing comments/voice and not want her near their friends. I can guarantee that her behaviour may seem innocuous now, but it won’t remain so.

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 15:58

@AttilaTheMeerkat
My dad died several years ago, they divorced just before I left home.

Thank you for the reading recommendations, I've definitely realised from reading other peoples threads in here and from being 'older and wiser' myself, that my mum is not the person i thought she was. I thought my dad was the bad one (alcoholic) and my mum the strong hero holding everything together. But I now realise that she's actually quite manipulative.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 16:04

Keep her well away for you and your kids going forward. She should not visit you again.

If she persists keep saying things like no this does not work for us as a family. Limit all communication with her and I would also consider blocking her number on your phone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 16:05

No is also s complete sentence.

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 16:17

Squamata · 06/04/2023 15:50

If it really feels like it messes with your head, I'd try some therapy to unpick what the dynamic is. Your mum criticising you will have a real impact on your confidence, I imagine you'd feel you're never good enough or that there's some magical day when she'll approve of you without reservation.

It's not too late to change a relationship or decide how to continue on your own terms, if you understand how it works better you might be able to challenge her and feel more empowered.

At 70, I'd be wary of her having an illness or something that makes her more vulnerable and then you might feel you lost the chance to really tackle the issue, or might feel obliged to take on more caring and responsibility.

You're a mother with your own children now, not a little girl - you choose the rules of what's acceptable to you. Your children will learn from what you accept.

I would like to feel more empowered! The conversation about my PND has always stuck in my mind (its been 5 years since) because i remember sitting there listening to her list everything that was wrong with me and I couldn't speak. I just didn't have the capacity to say anything to defend myself. That was my lowest point.

She's the type of person who says she's a good listener, whilst talking over you. And if you do try to defend yourself against her opinions she will claim that you are too sensitive. So I generally don't bother saying anything. For an easy life.

I am conscious of her health as she's getting older. My DB lives close to her and sees her weekly so will be more aware of things than i am.

I do need to choose the rules as you say. This is my home, my safe space. I'm a very different parent to what she was.

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 06/04/2023 16:19

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 16:04

Keep her well away for you and your kids going forward. She should not visit you again.

If she persists keep saying things like no this does not work for us as a family. Limit all communication with her and I would also consider blocking her number on your phone.

This is very good advice. I certainly wouldn't be entertaining her again she sounds awful
You are not obliged to put yourself thru this it's not normal behaviour

SparklingLime · 06/04/2023 16:25

I thought my dad was the bad one (alcoholic) and my mum the strong hero holding everything together. But I now realise that she's actually quite manipulative.

I've had a similar realisation since my dad (also alcoholic) died. Basically they were/are both very difficult. Really struggling with mum now.

Shortbread49 · 06/04/2023 16:26

My mum is like this I think she has no idea of what she is saying ( not dementia either has always been like it without meaning to cause offended I think she is quite dim and doesn’t think like an adult) I get strange shrieking and inappropriate comments a lot of which are sexual, it’s very odd. If I pull her up on anything she either denies it (even though she has just said it). Or I get how dare you from her (or how dare you upset your mother from my dad) followed by the silent treatment so in there world it is ok for her to call me a scrubber but not for me to be upset by ii, it is very bizarre. Luckily they haven’t spoken to me for a year for pointing out a rude comment about refuges and I am not missing them

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 16:27

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 16:04

Keep her well away for you and your kids going forward. She should not visit you again.

If she persists keep saying things like no this does not work for us as a family. Limit all communication with her and I would also consider blocking her number on your phone.

That would be a bit extreme. Contact other than this visit is quite low. She struggles to work her phone (tech dinosaur) so I'd say we talk about once a fortnight. She talks at me about her life and I listen and share a very minimal amount of mine. Its 10mins to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 16:37

@Shortbread49 sounds familiar, mum says what she likes but would be the first to tell anyone off for saying "oh my god". She hit me over the head with a wooden spoon for saying the word 'shit' once.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 16:39

SparklingLime · 06/04/2023 16:25

I thought my dad was the bad one (alcoholic) and my mum the strong hero holding everything together. But I now realise that she's actually quite manipulative.

I've had a similar realisation since my dad (also alcoholic) died. Basically they were/are both very difficult. Really struggling with mum now.

I'm sorry you've had to endure similar 💐

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 16:40

Believe me you are not keeping the peace by doing this. What you are doing is giving her narcissistic supply from yourself and your children. It will also do them no favours to have such a grandparent in their lives. Grey rocking such people as you are doing can be exhausting in its own right.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. Watch her when you really start to say no to her, you will get the full force of her rage then.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 06/04/2023 16:44

Sounds just like my gran.

I ended up completely cutting mine off, as horrible as it is.

People seemed to think it was all age related, but nope, can confirm she was like 20 years ago, it's just I'm not having that behaviour repeated around me and my partners now. Whereas before I had to tolerate it.

Goodread1 · 06/04/2023 16:45

Hi Op
Of this was a male relative or a male friend or a random stranger, saying inappropriate things like that,
Would you just accept it and go along with it?
Why put up with just cause she is related to you,

You Need to think of yourself more and put in healthy boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and your children,

Limit your time spent with her to the minimum
(Low contact style)

If this out of character and a sign of Dementia it would be different,
But it's not,

I wonder what kind of childhood she has had for her to talk in such a sexual inappropriate way,

It makes me think she could have grown up sadly in sexually abusive environment ..

Awful really...

Her sense of boundaries have been really damaged...

Hardly Surprising...😳

Original poster
Dolares · 06/04/2023 17:00

Those asking about my mum's childhood, it wasn't the easiest. I think she's turned into her own mother and just doesn't see it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/04/2023 17:10

Familial Dysfunction tends to go down the generations but it has stopped with you.

Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose to enact the same old or similar that was doled out to her by her parents. You had the same choice when it came to your children and you do not treat them like she has done with and to you. That is to your credit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread