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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspective on how my boyfriend communicates?

29 replies

Rentytin · 05/04/2023 22:07

Boyfriend of 1 year. When we have a disagreement he can get quite nasty, rude, shouts (I feel he is shouting he says he isn’t).
ive asked numerous times, outside of an argument, can we talk about how we communicate when we argue.
he says this is how he is, that he thinks anything should go in an argument as things are heated and we can resolve them after. He has promised not to swear at me and has kept that promise as that’s a big boundary for me.
he said in terms of how he ‘could’ be, that he’s holding back with me and I haven’t seen the worst yet.
he basically has said this is him, he’s not prepared to changed and doesn’t feel he can or should, isn’t really prepared to talk about it either, that he’s quick to anger and always has been.

OP posts:
zurala · 05/04/2023 22:09

Get out. This will get worse once he's got you used to it. He already sounds quite threatening. I'm seeing a lot of red flags here.

franke · 05/04/2023 22:09

I think you deserve better.

Frogger8395 · 05/04/2023 22:13

Why are you still with him?

LostInSpaceRaiders · 05/04/2023 22:16

He’s been clear about who he is and his intention to not make any further “improvements” with regards to his communication. Get out before he turns on you and convinces you it’s your fault

sazzaz1980 · 05/04/2023 22:20

I would leave . You are in an abusive relationship.

Angeldelight50 · 05/04/2023 22:22

Huge red flag and he has been up front that he has no intention of changing.

Where do you see this relationship going? How would you feel about him treating you in this way in front of your future children? Or even worse, he uses the same communication style with them.

Spottycarousel · 05/04/2023 22:23

Abuse and it will get worse. If you stay with him you're essentially giving him the green light to abuse you more.

He has been clear with you who he is. Show him you are worthy of better and leave.

samestyle · 05/04/2023 22:23

This is very toxic and he's threatening that you have seen his worst yet, I wouldn't stick around to find out.

Gladiaterf · 05/04/2023 22:24

Bin.

iamenough2023 · 05/04/2023 22:24

Hello OP, not sure if there is a question in your post, but if you are asking what we think, I think we will be absolutely unanimous, this is not a good partner for you. You told him clearly what kind of behavior bothers you and he basically said he cannot change, so he answered this for you, really. I mean even this is uncomfortable for you, but you do not yet know what the worst of him is. I suggest, do not wait to find out. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave, so I suggest you leave right away.

pictoosh · 05/04/2023 22:25

Good god get shot. He's nasty and aggressive and thinks it's fine. You won't convince him otherwise and your self esteem will take a battering as that fact sinks in.
Run away.

category12 · 05/04/2023 22:29

I would expect that the more entangled your lives become, the worse his behaviour will become.

This is him at his best. I wouldn't recommend him as a life partner or potential father to children.

Seas164 · 05/04/2023 22:30

Do you want a boyfriend that can't control his temper?

he’s holding back with me and I haven’t seen the worst yet.

This is him clearly letting you know that however bad you think it is now, it's going to get worse, and don't you dare say he didn't warn you. **

ThereIbledit · 05/04/2023 22:49

Absolutely bin him without one iota of doubt.

"he says this is how he is,"

"he basically has said he’s not prepared to changed and doesn’t feel he can or should"

Anybody who says this is such a huge reg flag. He knows that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable, and he is unwilling to modify his behaviour even slightly to make the woman who he supposedly cares for a bit more comfortable.

He has promised not to swear at me and has kept that promise as that’s a big boundary for me.

Oh look! So he IS capable of changing his behaviour when it suits him after all! Fancy that.

he said in terms of how he ‘could’ be, that he’s holding back with me and I haven’t seen the worst yet.

This is WAY beyond a whole bouquet of red flags. When somebody tells you who they are, believe them. He has literally told you that not only will he not improve, but that he WILL get worse, much worse.

RUN. Seriously. Get some fucking distance between you and him.

FictionalCharacter · 05/04/2023 23:03

He's warned you about what he'll do. One day he'll get violent, hurt you badly and say it was your fault because he told you that's what would happen if you provoke him.
Please get away.

FunnyMunny · 05/04/2023 23:08

>> the hills, run, run fast, don't look back

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/04/2023 23:09

Walk away. He knows he's being shitty and isn't willing to do anything about it. Moreover, he's telling you you should just accept it.

You accept someone snoring when asleep or leaving a teabag on the side, you don't accept being shouted at or treated badly.

He's set out his stall, now you set out yours and walk away without a backwards glance.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/04/2023 23:10

🗑🚮🗑

Woodenwonder · 05/04/2023 23:11

My dh is like this. During arguments he is like a toddler throwing a tantrum, there is lots of shouting. In 9 years it has never escalated past this point no matter how heated it has got and I don't think it every would - I'm not in the least bit threatened by him. I see it as a massive weakness in him that he can't communicate effectively during conflict and throws his toys out of the pram.

The rest of the time he's lovely.

Is it annoying and unattractive? yes. Should he grow the fuck up? yes. Would I leave him over it? No.

I am a strong communicator in a dispute he is very weak and has no real coping mechanism, hasn't mastered it by 45, probably never will, it is what it is.

BUT

If you feel in any way abused or threatened by this man who can't/wont change - there really is no future and you deserve better, it's not fun being shouted in a row but it happens in the real world, there's a tipping point though where it's not just a man handling something ineptly but actually putting you at risk.

monsteramunch · 05/04/2023 23:13

@Woodenwonder

I bet he can communicate more effectively than that in conflicts when it's at work or with a bloke bigger than him.

Channellingsophistication · 05/04/2023 23:59

What? You havent seen the worst of him?! Please dont wait to see what that is. He is telling you who he is and its not good. He’s telling you to accept his abusive behaviour.. please dont

Original poster
Rentytin · 06/04/2023 09:22

Yeah that is what he said. He said he’s been a lot worse in the past and that he has been trying with me but I don’t appreciate it

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 10:10

It's not normal to have even had frequent arguments a year into a relationship OP, you know that right? Let alone ones that are so abusive.

Did you grow up watching an abusive parent be shouty and angry?

Have you been in a relationship with a similar dynamic to this one before?

I ask as you seem to think that any of this is acceptable or normal. It absolutely isn't.

His 'I'm holding back and you haven't seen the worst yet' is a threat to keep you in line.

It's also a warning. Heed it. You'd be foolish to stay with this man one day longer.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 10:27

Oh you should appreciate his efforts not to...what? Hit you? Terrify you? Smash the place up? Hurl insults or scream in your face? What is it he thinks you should be appreciative of, exactly?

Look you - you have picked up a dud. There is no saving this shitstorm.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 10:28

Raise your bar ffs.