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Original poster

is it ever good to seperate when things are ok?

38 replies

ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:41

DH and i have been together 18 years (since we were 16 and 19) and married for 7 years
he has cheated early on and we ave moved past this more or less

we have 3 children, we get along ok mostly, we did argue a lot early on but for the lat few years we dont really, we just plod along.

we get on ish, but we dont have sex, ive told him if he isnt happy with this he should tell me and seperate but he apparently would raher stay together without sex.

but we differ in the fundamentals, im much more open minded than him and less judgemental, he is more black and white when it comes to parenting but i more treat them as individuals.

we dont sleep in the same bed as i snore, but he would never give uo phis bedroom and our children dont get on well, if it was just me i would sleep on the sofa and give our teen daughters a room each, but theres no way he would do that.

my question, after a long ramble sorry, is that everything is ok really, ansd even if we werent together i wouldnt want to date anyone else, but is it enough of a reason to split just becasue its not great and we are fundamentally different, or do i just stick it out as it is, after all i may be less happy on my own anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:41

ive just re read this and apologies, its the stuff in my brain laid out on paper but not sure it makes a great deal of sense

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/04/2023 21:43

So you’re house mates. Is this how you want to be forever ?

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:48

DustyLee123 · 05/04/2023 21:43

So you’re house mates. Is this how you want to be forever ?

its not ideal, no. but i also know i wouldnt want to be with someone and i wouldnt want to go out with anyone else. and i am under no illusion that he will stay forever without sex,

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 05/04/2023 21:50

I think you’re too young for no sex to work.

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:52

i slso worry about money as he works full time and im self employed but havent got a steady income really and also worry about the effect on the children.

i know its better than for them to have an unhappy couple of parents but we arent unhappy as such and we dont fight or really argue so i dont think how we are now has a negative affect

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 21:53

Everyone’s idea of okay is different. I wouldn’t find your current set up okay at all. You don’t have to be with anyone else, being single is great, and even if you didn’t love it I found it was much less lonely being on my own than in a loveless marriage.

There’s no objective bar of not okay that you have to meet to justify splitting up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 21:55

ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:52

i slso worry about money as he works full time and im self employed but havent got a steady income really and also worry about the effect on the children.

i know its better than for them to have an unhappy couple of parents but we arent unhappy as such and we dont fight or really argue so i dont think how we are now has a negative affect

Is the model of a marriage that you’re showing them one you want them to aspire to?

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:56

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 21:53

Everyone’s idea of okay is different. I wouldn’t find your current set up okay at all. You don’t have to be with anyone else, being single is great, and even if you didn’t love it I found it was much less lonely being on my own than in a loveless marriage.

There’s no objective bar of not okay that you have to meet to justify splitting up.

thankyou, thats helpful and comforting. i find myself almost hoping to catch him dong something so i can justify it.

if it makes any differnce it is me that doesnt want sex. he would have it often if i was happy to

OP posts:
Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 21:57

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 21:55

Is the model of a marriage that you’re showing them one you want them to aspire to?

Show quote history

not exacty no. but we dont fight, we chat, i would think we seem ok to them

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2023 21:58

Is this the sort of relationship you'd want for your children when they're older?

popsypretty · 05/04/2023 22:07

You say you're not unhappy, but you're not happy are you? There doesn't need to be a massive event to cause a break up, nobody has to do anything bad. Breaking up because you want to is ok. You sound like you're mid 30s, but your life sounds like that of a couple in their 70s. That's no way to live, it's just existing to me.

EarthSight · 05/04/2023 22:16

but he apparently would rather stay together without sex

Not sure what the answer is, but I wouldn't rush to assume that just because he's not having sex with you, he's not having sex at all. Having sex with other women on the side every now and again may be the reaosn why he's happy to settle for a sexless marriage.

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:19

popsypretty · 05/04/2023 22:07

You say you're not unhappy, but you're not happy are you? There doesn't need to be a massive event to cause a break up, nobody has to do anything bad. Breaking up because you want to is ok. You sound like you're mid 30s, but your life sounds like that of a couple in their 70s. That's no way to live, it's just existing to me.

I'm 34 he's 38

It is just existing in some respects but it might be no better or even harder if we were to separate?
And once it's done there's no going back

This is really hard because it's all I've ever known

OP posts:
Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:21

EarthSight · 05/04/2023 22:16

but he apparently would rather stay together without sex

Not sure what the answer is, but I wouldn't rush to assume that just because he's not having sex with you, he's not having sex at all. Having sex with other women on the side every now and again may be the reaosn why he's happy to settle for a sexless marriage.

I can't imagine when he would have chance, and I'm not naive I just don't think he is.
But yes it does seem odd because he's had a high sex drive in the past, maybe I actually am naïve that he settles for no sex because he's tired from busy shifts at work like he says

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 05/04/2023 22:29

Everyone's relationship is different. What's fine to you may seem weird to others, it doesn't matter its up to you.

Would you be happier seperate?

I wouldn't be over concerned about his being OK with no sex. Doesn't necessarily mean he's getting it elsewhere after all you're in the same boat are you getting it elsewhere.

popsypretty · 05/04/2023 22:33

You're the same age as me. I could not imagine being stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my days. Because it does sound loveless to me. Nothing you've said tells me you're still in love with him. Can I ask why you don't want to have sex with him anymore, and when did it stop?
In what way would it be harder if you separated? Financially maybe, but you would cope because we always do. There are benefits available if you don't earn enough to get by. He would be responsible for paying child maintenance for your kids. There's always a way.

All you've ever known, yes that's true. But it's not all that there is. You're a young woman with 60 years of life left if you're lucky...do you really want to spend it living like this? That's really sad and depressing.

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:35

BigFatLiar · 05/04/2023 22:29

Everyone's relationship is different. What's fine to you may seem weird to others, it doesn't matter its up to you.

Would you be happier seperate?

I wouldn't be over concerned about his being OK with no sex. Doesn't necessarily mean he's getting it elsewhere after all you're in the same boat are you getting it elsewhere.

I don't know if I'd be happier separated and I think that's why it's so difficult

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2023 22:35

Honestly I think you're not really living life.

You're going to get to middle age and think you've wasted your youth on a shit relationship that you should have probably ended when he cheated.

I think you're scared and have low self esteem, and getting out of the relationship would be good for you, you'd discover yourself and what you're capable of.

Christ, you're only 34 and you're living like my grandma.

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:38

popsypretty · 05/04/2023 22:33

You're the same age as me. I could not imagine being stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my days. Because it does sound loveless to me. Nothing you've said tells me you're still in love with him. Can I ask why you don't want to have sex with him anymore, and when did it stop?
In what way would it be harder if you separated? Financially maybe, but you would cope because we always do. There are benefits available if you don't earn enough to get by. He would be responsible for paying child maintenance for your kids. There's always a way.

All you've ever known, yes that's true. But it's not all that there is. You're a young woman with 60 years of life left if you're lucky...do you really want to spend it living like this? That's really sad and depressing.

He was always very pushy with sex Abbas we could never have affection without sex. Also I think in our 18 years together he has made me orgasm about 3 times, whereas he come more or less every time.

Which is as much my fault by not raising it as an issue but I was young when we got together and didn't know different

And also knowing he had cheated on me physically and also chatted to girls online

After a while the sex just got less frequent, eventually more or less stopping

I'm also overweight and have no confidence now, even though he still definitely would

OP posts:
Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:40

category12 · 05/04/2023 22:35

Honestly I think you're not really living life.

You're going to get to middle age and think you've wasted your youth on a shit relationship that you should have probably ended when he cheated.

I think you're scared and have low self esteem, and getting out of the relationship would be good for you, you'd discover yourself and what you're capable of.

Christ, you're only 34 and you're living like my grandma.

I agree with the low self esteem, but even if we weren't together I really wouldn't want to have another relationship, so how would that be better?

I don't know what would be different, so I don't know why I'm thinking about it really

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Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:42

Also I absolutely would have ended it if I'd found out when he cheated but as it was I only found out years later And 3 children later, so ended up giving in and staying together

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MarshaMelrose · 05/04/2023 22:44

I don't know what would be different, so I don't know why I'm thinking about it really.

But you are thinking about it so clearly you do want things to be different.

EarthSight · 05/04/2023 22:46

Also I think in our 18 years together he has made me orgasm about 3 times, whereas he come more or less every time

I know there are more awful things in life, but that is sad OP.

I hope you find the right answer for the both of you.

category12 · 05/04/2023 22:49

ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:42

Also I absolutely would have ended it if I'd found out when he cheated but as it was I only found out years later And 3 children later, so ended up giving in and staying together

With all the damage that did to your emotional wellbeing and the relationship.

It's tons better being on your own because you can do what you want with your home, you could parent the way you want to and be the captain of your own ship.

Sure, you might never date another person, but you also might find that you want to in time. One thing you know if you stay is nothing will change. Unless of course he leaves you. You can stay in it and get what you've always got, or change your life and be in control of it.

Being single is better than being tied into a dead relationship, in my opinion.

Original poster
ickyPeter · 05/04/2023 22:52

Thank you, lots to think about

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