is it ever good to seperate when things are ok?

[ickyPeter]

DH and i have been together 18 years (since we were 16 and 19) and married for 7 years
he has cheated early on and we ave moved past this more or less

we have 3 children, we get along ok mostly, we did argue a lot early on but for the lat few years we dont really, we just plod along.

we get on ish, but we dont have sex, ive told him if he isnt happy with this he should tell me and seperate but he apparently would raher stay together without sex.

but we differ in the fundamentals, im much more open minded than him and less judgemental, he is more black and white when it comes to parenting but i more treat them as individuals.

we dont sleep in the same bed as i snore, but he would never give uo phis bedroom and our children dont get on well, if it was just me i would sleep on the sofa and give our teen daughters a room each, but theres no way he would do that.

my question, after a long ramble sorry, is that everything is ok really, ansd even if we werent together i wouldnt want to date anyone else, but is it enough of a reason to split just becasue its not great and we are fundamentally different, or do i just stick it out as it is, after all i may be less happy on my own anyway

Hello OP, I am 53 this year and I just divorced my husband of 25 years. Our marriage too seemed to be ok, in fact when I told him I wanted to separate he was shocked. However, there were all this little, hard to measure and explain things that bothered me for years. When I turned 50 I asked myself if this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my life and the answer was, no. I did suggest couples counseling which he refused but I started it myself and never looked back. The councilor helped me realize that those "little unexplainable things" were signs of financial, emotional and mental abuse. Just because he never hit me, yelled, cursed, or cheated on me, does not mean our marriage was healthy. The thing is, a happy couple does not think about divorce. If you find yourself thinking about it, something is wrong. You may not be able to explain it and it may not seem like a big deal, but it is a reason enough.

Btw, I too do not think about dating at all and there is no way in hell that I would move in with someone or god forbid, get married again. I currently live with my adult kids and enjoy, immensely, the quiet life I am living right now. Going to bed has become another favorite of mine; my beautiful big bed, luxurious bedding I treating myself with, scented candle in the corner of the room..

Of course I am not telling you to LTB, I am just trying to tell you, you deserve to be happy. You are worth it. You are enough!💕

Thank you so much :)

But he’s already cheated, and you don’t need a reason to end it anyway.

I understand what you mean about being all you’ve ever known, it’s one of the reasons I’m still with my DH.
What I want you to think about is how you will feel in 10/20 years time, will you feel that you wasted your life ? You don’t get another go, this is it.
You say that you are self employed and don’t earn much, that puts you in a poor financial situation should you split. One of the things you could do, to make your situation better, is to find paid employment. It would put you in a stronger position if you ever need it. And you need to be paying a private pension.
Make sure you yourself are claiming any child benefit, and preferably into your own bank account.

I’m glad you’re finding this helpful OP.

@iamenough2023 your post is properly heartwarming. I’m so happy for you that you’re living a life that makes you feel peaceful and fulfilled. Bloody good for you.

That’s made me sad. Of course you don’t want that sex!

But wouldn’t you want a life of love and pleasure? And don’t you want to model that for your kids?

It sounds like you're stuck but have an eye on possibly leaving. Firstly.. is there a reason you wouldn't want a relationship if the 2 of you broke up? Some of them are fun, and full of good sex, love, support and encouragement. 35 is very young to decide to never be sexual with someone again. When the kids leave home, what then? I think I'd say imagine you're 80, you're still with him, still ticking over...what regrets might you have?

If you separated, you’d have to get a job and support yourself, probably live in a smaller house and have a lower quality of life. Is that appealing?

You both deserve better than what’s happening now.

Sounds like you're just plodding along as I think many do. It's really up to you if you are happy doing this (and there's nothing wrong with that) or if you want more from life. I think you wanting advice on it suggests perhaps you do. We only have one life and it is long, but then suddenly it's nearing the end. What do you want it to look like, only you know this.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you 💕

Have you thought about 1) eating healthier and 2) getting into a better shape for your health & higher self-esteem?

Yes I'm on my way to it, have lost a stone so far and feeling better but still have a few to lose

My ex husband and I were like this. We spent years like this, exactly. No sex, sleeping in separate rooms, had the same conversation about sex/splitting up.

In the end I found out he had been sleeping with prostitutes for three years. During work hours so I would never have known.

Not that I'm saying that will happen to you, but it did happen to me.. I would never have guessed it in a million years.

Anyway, we spilt up a few years ago and now I can't think for a second why I stayed so long! Honestly, there is a whole other life out there for the taking. Don't waste your life away like this, you will regret it