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Original poster

Was I in the wrong here, honestly?

52 replies

Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:26

Was online dating, intended to just have dates, nothing serious, first time online dating after a bad divorce 2 years ago.
Met a nice guy, from the start he was very keen, I told him I wasn’t wanting serious but was happy to meet for a date, also told him I would still be open to meeting other people for dates, also told him (in my attempts at being very upfront and honest) that I had been having a friends with benefits arrangement with another guy. He said he understood all this and was happy to date and see how it goes. He was very much “I’m into you and you’ll realise we will have a good thing” from after our first date. He wasn’t dating anyone else so I did feel under pressure a bit but I stuck to my guns and continued being open about being on the apps. In the end I only ended up going on a date with one other man. Long story short I seen the guy I had a casual relationship with once more and called it off then as was keen to explore things with the new guy and wasn’t wanting to sleep with multiple people. Told new guy I had called it off with him but didn’t specifically say when I had seen casual guy again. i had only met new guy for 1 date at this stage and been speaking to him for 1 week prior.
we’ve now been dating for around 8 months, had the exclusive talk after 2 months and got quite serious after 3/4. and he asked me out of the blue when I last seen casual guy. I told him when it was. He basically said I had cheated on him and once we decided to get serious (3 months in) I should have explicitly told him that I had slept with casual guy after having a first date with him and the date of this. He said I’ve ruined his trust and basically is ending the relationship over this. I feel awful that I’ve hurt him but I also don’t feel I had to tell him exactly what I was doing or who with, and even with that being said I was very open with him. He said he was all in from the start and I wasn’t, which is true, I wasn’t looking anything serious but actually really fell for him.
have I been awful?

OP posts:
ZuckerwatterMaus · 05/04/2023 20:28

No ,you were very honest with him.

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:29

He was looking for a reason to end the relationship

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/04/2023 20:31

You’ve done nothing and he’s been keeping this suspicion in his back pocket to throw at you when the limerance wore off and he wanted out. Seriously you’ve done nothing here except ignore the warning signs he handed you at the outset.

thegrain · 05/04/2023 20:32

Very confused but no you've been honest. I'm just surprised you let it last 8 months if it was only every a bit of fun

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:33

thegrain · 05/04/2023 20:32

Very confused but no you've been honest. I'm just surprised you let it last 8 months if it was only every a bit of fun

She changed her mind. They agreed to be exclusive after 2 months. She saw the other guy well before that.

thegrain · 05/04/2023 20:33

we’ve now been dating for around 8 months, had the exclusive talk after 2 months and got quite serious after 3/4 so when you had this chat you agreed to be exclusive? And you were from that point? If so then he's just a sore loser.

thegrain · 05/04/2023 20:34

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:33

She changed her mind. They agreed to be exclusive after 2 months. She saw the other guy well before that.

Show quote history

Yes sorry realised I was missing something and reread it a couple of times.

Original poster
Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:34

Yes and to be honest I hadn’t seen anyone else from about the 2/3 week mark

OP posts:
Original poster
Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:35

Yes changed my mind. Went into it expecting to be a bit of a fling but really liked him

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 05/04/2023 20:35

You've not been awful at all. You were 100% honest with him and was honest by answering his question. You've done nothing wrong, you rightly kept your options open. At that stage you don't anything and even now, you don't owe him your past.

I think ultimately he's done you a favour. And, why all of sudden this far down the line has he asked? If he wanted to know he would have asked sooner. It sounds like he's projecting and guilt tripping you. I'm guessing he's either has his eye on another prize or this is his way of ending things but he gets to keep being the good guy.

It doesn't make sense at all. Either that or he's chancing some weird sense of validation and wanting you to beg for him. I'd let this one go. It isn't right and there has to be more going on, on his side.

Is he the unlucky in love sort, the guy who always gets cheated on? Actively love bombing you and singling you out?

qqq82 · 05/04/2023 20:35

It's a piss poor excuse he's using to opt out

pictoosh · 05/04/2023 20:35

No you haven't done anything wrong. That much is clear. I would be wary proceeding with a person who would think to use it against you. It could be manipulative and a red flag.

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:36

pictoosh · 05/04/2023 20:35

No you haven't done anything wrong. That much is clear. I would be wary proceeding with a person who would think to use it against you. It could be manipulative and a red flag.

I agree with this. Even if he decided to 'forgive' you, he'll hold it over you whenever he steps out of line or tries to isolate you by saying he 'can't trust you'.

I'd let it go.

Original poster
Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:37

He has been cheated on in the past. I’ve never cheated and wouldn’t. To be honest I was trying to ‘date casually’ which was new to me so I was trying to make sure I was being honest with everyone. The other guy I dated (1date) didn’t ask me at all if I was dating anyone else, I think he just assumed I was?

OP posts:
Aturnipforthebooks · 05/04/2023 20:37

You haven't done anything wrong.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 05/04/2023 20:37

Ok, this is not a matter of who is right or wrong. You may have been upfront but he may have assumed that as things were going so well between you two you would have stopped having a friends with benefits.

You might be right, but that doesn’t mean he cannot feel what he feels so if he feels cheated as he thought things were as special to you as they were to him, there is nothing you can do about it.

TheProvincialLady · 05/04/2023 20:40

This man likes to be in control doesn’t he?

You ignored a few red flags at the beginning and this should really be the final flag. Don’t let him back into your life. You did nothing wrong except agreeing to keep seeing someone who dictated the terms of your engagement.

pictoosh · 05/04/2023 20:42

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 05/04/2023 20:37

Ok, this is not a matter of who is right or wrong. You may have been upfront but he may have assumed that as things were going so well between you two you would have stopped having a friends with benefits.

You might be right, but that doesn’t mean he cannot feel what he feels so if he feels cheated as he thought things were as special to you as they were to him, there is nothing you can do about it.

It's his tough shit though?

Original poster
Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:49

I did stop things with the casual guy after I had 1 date with new guy and told him that

OP posts:
thegrain · 05/04/2023 20:56

Yeah you're fine. He's just got a bruised ego.

Original poster
Tentententen · 05/04/2023 21:05

That’s what I think. I don’t feel myself it’s a real breach of trust although I understand he was very much in all in from the start when I wasn’t so much

OP posts:
Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 05/04/2023 21:14

I think he’s a bit of a control freak weirdo/jealous guy. I’d honestly not lose any sleep over it. You did nothing wrong. You were open and honest and you’d had one date! For all you knew when you hooked up with casual guy after that date you may never have seen serious guy again. Honestly this is his issue not yours.

Don’t beat yourself up over it (and see if casual guy is still single if the sex was good 😊)

Pseudonamed · 05/04/2023 22:28

He was looking for a way out. He has waited this long to ask so there was a reason for it.

MakeItRain · 05/04/2023 23:48

He's doing it to control you. I think you will hear from him at some point. He will be all ready to "forgive you". He'll have liked the fact you felt hurt and upset. You'll get back together but your self esteem and confidence will have been eroded. Then there will be a similar issue a but further down the line. My advice would be to agree with him that you're not compatible and walk away. (And no, you weren't in the wrong.)

Dery · 06/04/2023 00:55

“You've not been awful at all. You were 100% honest with him and was honest by answering his question. You've done nothing wrong, you rightly kept your options open. At that stage you don't anything and even now, you don't owe him your past.

I think ultimately he's done you a favour. And, why all of sudden this far down the line has he asked? If he wanted to know he would have asked sooner. It sounds like he's projecting and guilt tripping you. I'm guessing he's either has his eye on another prize or this is his way of ending things but he gets to keep being the good guy.

It doesn't make sense at all. Either that or he's chancing some weird sense of validation and wanting you to beg for him. I'd let this one go. It isn't right and there has to be more going on, on his side.

Is he the unlucky in love sort, the guy who always gets cheated on? Actively love bombing you and singling you out?”

This. You did nothing wrong. I think he’s a game player who prefers the chase and romantic drama to a mature relationship.