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Original poster

Was I in the wrong here, honestly?

52 replies

Tentententen · 05/04/2023 20:26

Was online dating, intended to just have dates, nothing serious, first time online dating after a bad divorce 2 years ago.
Met a nice guy, from the start he was very keen, I told him I wasn’t wanting serious but was happy to meet for a date, also told him I would still be open to meeting other people for dates, also told him (in my attempts at being very upfront and honest) that I had been having a friends with benefits arrangement with another guy. He said he understood all this and was happy to date and see how it goes. He was very much “I’m into you and you’ll realise we will have a good thing” from after our first date. He wasn’t dating anyone else so I did feel under pressure a bit but I stuck to my guns and continued being open about being on the apps. In the end I only ended up going on a date with one other man. Long story short I seen the guy I had a casual relationship with once more and called it off then as was keen to explore things with the new guy and wasn’t wanting to sleep with multiple people. Told new guy I had called it off with him but didn’t specifically say when I had seen casual guy again. i had only met new guy for 1 date at this stage and been speaking to him for 1 week prior.
we’ve now been dating for around 8 months, had the exclusive talk after 2 months and got quite serious after 3/4. and he asked me out of the blue when I last seen casual guy. I told him when it was. He basically said I had cheated on him and once we decided to get serious (3 months in) I should have explicitly told him that I had slept with casual guy after having a first date with him and the date of this. He said I’ve ruined his trust and basically is ending the relationship over this. I feel awful that I’ve hurt him but I also don’t feel I had to tell him exactly what I was doing or who with, and even with that being said I was very open with him. He said he was all in from the start and I wasn’t, which is true, I wasn’t looking anything serious but actually really fell for him.
have I been awful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tentententen · 06/04/2023 09:24

He’s now saying he wants us to stay together but it will take him a long time to get over this.
he has asked me in the past when I last spoke with casual guy and I told him it was the week of our first date when I ended it. He said he didn’t realise at that point we still were sleeping together. I didn’t think I had to let him know who I was sleeping with and when especially when I wasn’t yet sleeping with him?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:28

"He’s now saying he wants us to stay together but it will take him a long time to get over this."

Fuck him and fuck that. He feels established enough now to take his mask off. Are you now expected to earn his trust or some bollocks?
He's manipulative. Get rid.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 06/04/2023 09:48

Call his bluff. Tell him that you will let him have some time to get over it on his own and to come and find you when he is ready. Otherwise he will be using this as an excuse to be nasty all the time.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:50

Agree...this will be fired at you every time you do something he doesn't like.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:50

And this is how it starts...

EnjoyingTheSilence · 06/04/2023 09:51

Nope. You were up front and honest.

If he can’t accept that, that’s on him. Say goodbye. I wouldn’t carry on with him punishing you until you earn his trust. This won’t end well

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 10:05

Tentententen · 06/04/2023 09:24

He’s now saying he wants us to stay together but it will take him a long time to get over this.
he has asked me in the past when I last spoke with casual guy and I told him it was the week of our first date when I ended it. He said he didn’t realise at that point we still were sleeping together. I didn’t think I had to let him know who I was sleeping with and when especially when I wasn’t yet sleeping with him?

You'd made it very clear to him what your position was. He was just too arrogant to believe it.

We told you exactly what he'd say. Don't let him do this.

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 10:09

It sounds like you're being discarded by a narcissist. Odd of him to be so confident you'd realise he was wonderful at the start.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 10:11

Who the fuck plans an extended period of offence anyway? And beyond that, who announces it as though their extended huff is to be accepted and accomodated?

A self absorbed, manipulative wanker, that's who. Not a functioning, reasonable adult.

You have done nothing untoward. Nothing. You have been rational, honest and decent. This performance is as ridiculous as it seems. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

yodayoga1 · 06/04/2023 11:00

Tentententen · 06/04/2023 09:24

He’s now saying he wants us to stay together but it will take him a long time to get over this.
he has asked me in the past when I last spoke with casual guy and I told him it was the week of our first date when I ended it. He said he didn’t realise at that point we still were sleeping together. I didn’t think I had to let him know who I was sleeping with and when especially when I wasn’t yet sleeping with him?

Well, he'll be throwing this in your face forever more now then. Smells of a control tactic to me. Dick.

HappyintheHills · 06/04/2023 11:03

He's going to refer back to this over and over, best you part ways.

Manichean · 06/04/2023 12:28

He has told you he is a controlling manipulative cunt, believe him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/04/2023 14:18

He’s now saying he wants us to stay together but it will take him a long time to get over this

Poor wee love, having to deal with his hurtyfeelz. Echoing what everyone else on here is saying, he'll throw this at you every time you have a row and using it to control you.

ChocChipHandbag · 06/04/2023 16:11

He’s coming across as immature at best, potentially a controlling arsehole. Only you can know the full picture but what you describe has a lot of red flags and you should think very carefully about taking things any further with a man who has now made it clear that he will seize ready on any stick to beat you with and not put it down.

What are his positives?

Chuck this one back in I say.

Season0fTheWitch · 06/04/2023 16:47

I'd understand it bothering him but you did nothing wrong, and he sounds controlling

MakeItRain · 06/04/2023 17:21

Walk away. Tell him you think it's best if you end the relationship as it sounds like this isn't something you can come to any sort of understanding about. He'll be horrified that you choose to walk. He's expecting you to be devastated and eternally apologetic.

Rainbowshine · 06/04/2023 17:45

His behaviour is not acceptable. It stinks of a very misogynistic attitude to women who are casually dating in a non exclusive basis, or at least a weird way of thinking - does he imagine that women are going to be chaste virgins or something?!

He’s rewriting the rules that apply retrospectively, also known as gaslighting.

I’d say something like “clearly we have been misunderstanding each other despite my own efforts to be wholly clear with you about my dating situation when we first met. Given that, and your recent comments about this, I’m clear that things are over between us. I hope you find someone who is better matched to what you’re looking for in a relationship.”

Then run and block the controlling possessive weirdo and don’t be tempted to get back together ever.

Rainbowshine · 06/04/2023 17:48

Reading that back there’s a lot of clearly and clear etc so maybe change the wording if you want! But my sentiment is the same, get rid now. He’s pushing the boundaries here to see if you beg, cry and comply with his demands. That’s not a healthy way to deal with things.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 06/04/2023 21:11

His response is typical and predictable. Like others and I have said this is a control tactic. He wants you to beg forgiveness for something you were up front about. You are not in the wrong here. He's trying to get you to comply to his future demands because ultimately you told him the truth and have been honest. This will be used against you time and time again, the minute he isn't happy with how things go. He's spoiling for an argument. He wants attention. You'd be foolish to continue in this relationship. He's showing you his cards and who he is. Believe him and Run.

Thursdayschild7 · 06/04/2023 21:15

MakeItRain · 05/04/2023 23:48

He's doing it to control you. I think you will hear from him at some point. He will be all ready to "forgive you". He'll have liked the fact you felt hurt and upset. You'll get back together but your self esteem and confidence will have been eroded. Then there will be a similar issue a but further down the line. My advice would be to agree with him that you're not compatible and walk away. (And no, you weren't in the wrong.)

This.

Aaaaandbreathe · 06/04/2023 21:19

MakeItRain · 05/04/2023 23:48

He's doing it to control you. I think you will hear from him at some point. He will be all ready to "forgive you". He'll have liked the fact you felt hurt and upset. You'll get back together but your self esteem and confidence will have been eroded. Then there will be a similar issue a but further down the line. My advice would be to agree with him that you're not compatible and walk away. (And no, you weren't in the wrong.)

This is exactly what I was going to say.

SpringHasSprung23 · 06/04/2023 21:29

@Tentententen so now HE wants to stay together but it's going to take him a long time to get over this (non event)???

you didn't do anything wrong! (Well not TO him anyway, just to yourself)

From the outside it's easy to say, but honestly he will only bring you grief! Get out before it gets anymore serious! He's not a nice bloke.

the best way to get over one man is to get under another, call Mr Casual & see if he fancies a bit of fun!

ditch the (faking) drama llama!!

Aaaaandbreathe · 06/04/2023 21:32

Sorry, hadn't read the update.

Yeah, you need to get rid. He will have (as PP said) have enjoyed you feeling upset.

Now he's being sooo generous saying he'll stick with you but you've to expect him being a dick for however long he feels like because he's 'hurt' over something that was absolutely none of his business and you were quite clear you were seeing other people.

If you cut him off he'll likely start guilt tripping you and apologising but it WILL happen again. He was ending an 8 month old relationship because he took the huff, he refused to see your point of view and basically emotionally blackmailed you with threats of leaving to beat you down so you'd be grateful he gave you another chance....you'll behave better next time.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 06/04/2023 23:48

Sadly I don't think the op will heed the advice given here. And, I get it. Seeing this type of truth hurts. Many of us have been there. It takes so much courage to read the red flags and end it.

His next move will be to love bomb you or make some grand gesture to make him seem indispensable and you'll be further invested. And, the unfounded guilt he's putting on you will build. You'll end up feeling indebted to him. He may even do the "I'm sorry, but..." move.

He's using the narcissists play book, chapter by fucking chapter. It won't get any better. He will wear away at you.

Shamoo · 06/04/2023 23:56

“I have been reflecting on everything that has happened over the last couple of days. I know that I was very clear with you about the situation when we first started dating. The fact that you now feel that this has somehow undermined your trust in me is very concerning given I have never been anything other than honest, and the fact that you feel you need time to get over it is - frankly - even more concerning. On this basis, I think you were right that we are probably better off calling it a day. It’s a shame, as I genuinely thought that we had a good thing going, but I won’t be punished or shamed when I’ve done nothing wrong. Wish you all the best for the future.”

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