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Original poster

AIBU to expect a birthday gift?

42 replies

whatsthesenseinsharing · 05/04/2023 18:32

Pregnant to my partner, his first child my 3rd. Been together a while now. Last birthday we went on a trip, he did pay my fee. He experienced it as much as I did. This year I'm pregnant and limited. He's not willing to buy a gift and suggesting I'm far too into 'possessions'. I feel sad about this. He didn't acknowledge Mother's Day either. I do everything for everybody in the house, because I can't do much even a box of chocs would be nice. Can't help but think him putting money towards an experience means he shares this, and it's not solely about me.. AIBU?

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 05/04/2023 19:55

Hello OP, first of all congratulations! I hope your pregnancy is going well and the baby will be healthy. As for your partner, I am sorry but this is not good. I am not at all materialistic and do not have a lot of cash to spare but gifts giving is a must for me. I love giving gifts and love receiving them. I do not think that a gift has to be expensive, its a thought that counts. I think that it is a very important way of showing a person you care and appreciate them. My ex was like this, he was always trying to get out of buying gifts, would be negotiating with me about how much to spend and stuff. I have to say that this was driving me crazy. Also, he was very bad gift receiver. Unless it was exactly what he wanted he would often make me return/exchange it for something else. I do not want to tell you to leave this man, but I am certain that this will bother you down the road. Plus, this is often an indication of other, not so pleasant personality traits.

Good luck OP!

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2023 19:58

Well at least you know not to bother with getting him gifts since he obviously isn't materialistic, treat yourself to something, like turning single perhaps.

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 20:58

So you've only 'celebrated' one birthday with him so far or have you been with him longer? If so, what happened on previous birthdays? What do you do when it's his birthday? Or at Christmas?

Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 05/04/2023 21:15

Previous birthdays have been a shared experience. I've had the 'talk' that I shouldn't expect anything, we've loved different lives before we met etc etc. I've always been big on birthdays, the giving and receiving. It's a lovely time to recognise someone especially someone who plays many roles each day and get a little time for themselves. I've since had the 'we are 40 years of age, why would we waste money' blah blah blah. He then goes on about building a future, and I am grateful for this but I sense a grudgingly approach to the very thought of giving someone recognition on a day that could be about them. Hope im making sense? Well... I may end up being single as it's not the first time money has came up. He's very ocd about money and does not spend a penny the wrong way. However what does bother me is when he decides to go out with the lads if a weekend and blow nearly 300 quid minimum... and we've all to suffer for the hangover lasts week over a week. Think im talking myself into being single here

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 05/04/2023 22:15

OP I spent over 25 years with someone similar. In the beginning I though he was just being responsible with money and appreciated it. Few years into our marriage it started bugging me a lot and I started thinking he was just stingy. We could never "afford" anything. But it took me at least 15 years of being together to realize and to admit to myself that he was just being selfish. He was cheap when it came to me and the kids, but when he was buying for himself he would always go for quality. I could never get used to this, to be honest.

GreyCarpet · 06/04/2023 07:55

I would have rather have a shared experience as a gift than a gift for myself. I've been with my boyfriend for around 18 months. Last year, he paid for an 'experience' type gift (at my suggestion) for me, him and my daughter. This year, he had paid for tickets to a gig we are both going to.

I don't particularly enjoy receiving gifts and find it really difficult to think of them for others. I'm much happier spending time together and doing something with them that we can enjoy together and talk about afterwards. I like birthdays to be low key and to pass largely unnoticed.

But it does sound from your posts that it's less this and maybe more to do with spending money on stuff he won't directly benefit from. Which isn't attractive.

Zanatdy · 06/04/2023 07:58

Of course he should buy you a gift. He clearly just can’t be bothered to put the effort into thinking of something and paying for it. I certainly wouldn’t be buying him a gift for his birthday

Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 06/04/2023 08:12

Experiences are good, I'm pregnant though so limited. Feel like shamu and have the energy levels of it. If I wasn't he'd likely plan a trip but it does seem to sway towards his likes and interests most of the time.

He doesn't buy into commercialism, got this last night. So really, he's just not a fan of parting with money unless it's for his experiences or something he can benefit from.

And yes, he is getting sweet F All

OP posts:
BluetheBear · 06/04/2023 08:25

It's not about commercialism though is it? That's a cop out. He can do something nice for you to show he appreciates you without buying loads of crap.

Dery · 06/04/2023 08:33

He sounds like a selfish arsehole, OP. And why do you do everything? It’s not clear why you’re with him, tbh.

AnneButNotHathaway · 06/04/2023 08:38

The commercialism cop out is lame, I agree. The appreciation can be shown without throwing a ton of money away, if he struggles with ideas, it could be something related to you directly, like a nice letter or a smarthow 3d video card made of your photos and with thoughts of you, and he could ask you about the gift you'd like to get. So many people do that when they don't have ideas, and he can't?

Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 06/04/2023 08:48

Met him post prev relationship breakdown. Possibly too quick and didn't give myself time to heal properly. My older kids think fondly of him, and despite the warped view on gift buying and letting others have a day that doesn't involve him, he's actually a good role model. In this pregnancy and how I have had to take a wider view, I see him in a different light to wht I used to. Now I've made my bed I have to lie in it?! Yes I do feel stuck but I can't do this pregnancy or raise another child on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 06/04/2023 08:50

AnneButNotHathaway · 06/04/2023 08:38

The commercialism cop out is lame, I agree. The appreciation can be shown without throwing a ton of money away, if he struggles with ideas, it could be something related to you directly, like a nice letter or a smarthow 3d video card made of your photos and with thoughts of you, and he could ask you about the gift you'd like to get. So many people do that when they don't have ideas, and he can't?

Well exactly! From what I've come to learn he's very self absorbed, and rather than be around to support me in pregnancy he's making his way through his bucket list before being 'tied down' so to speak. Almost as if when baby is here he is suggesting life is over for him? I'm very easy to buy for. I suspect because I've had partners before and had a lifestyle before he feels like I expect a lot. I do not, just something to make me feel noticed would be nice

OP posts:
Quantumleaper · 06/04/2023 09:05

So he’s not actually tight. He’s happy to spend on himself and goes out spending loads. He just can’t be bothered to do anything for you op. That says a lot.
If he knows how important it is to you, he should have stepped up, if he cares about your feelings.
how are you going to be happy in a relationship like this, where every birthday, Christmas and special occasion is ignored?

orangeflags · 06/04/2023 09:41

He doesn't sound a kind person. If you like to celebrate birthdays and would like a small gift from him then he should be happy to buy you something. A bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates doesn't cost very much.

Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 06/04/2023 10:00

This is the issue I have, having to accept this is the way he is and when these things Faldo done round but myself something nice? I challenged him by suggesting he's not confident in putting g any effort into gift buying because he fears not getting it 'right', or that indeed it is not about him in anyway shape or form. He dismisses this, brings out his opinion of how I lived a high life before where I am today. I most probably did but many years of therapy and deep work with myself I have come to acknowledge who I am, and have learned not to expect big gestures as it's not what I want. The small sentiments mean the most, even like you say it's a box of chocs. I recognise his efforts all the time and tell him how I appreciate him whenever he does things for me. I do not get this in return and do a lot. Maybe it's a sign of things to come and you know? Even if he doesn't come up with something then it's telling isn't it. I don't want my older children thinking that special days are about anything other than paying recognition to someone you love... not the view that it's capitalism or commercialism

OP posts:
Equalitea · 06/04/2023 11:08

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2023 19:58

Well at least you know not to bother with getting him gifts since he obviously isn't materialistic, treat yourself to something, like turning single perhaps.

All of this!

billy1966 · 06/04/2023 11:24

Oh OP,

Why haven't you terminated this pregnancy?

You have put yourself in such a tough spot with a mean man.

Hasn't your life been hard enough without this?

You deserve better than a mean man.

Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 06/04/2023 19:19

Yep thought about that a million times, I'd be damned if I do damned if I don't. My kids would suffer and it might sound a bit like delayed thinking here, but they've been through enough. Upsetting them again would impact negatively so. I've always bailed in relationships where it's not serving he, meaning put myself first, and that's selfish isn't it? Most people would agree. Yet I know it's not about what other people think, but how the children would cope. I've seen the damage, and I do t want to cause anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsthesenseinsharing · 08/04/2023 10:24

Sorry to post again! I'm having a very difficult time...

Due to pregnancy and just being exhausted I said I didn't want to cook last night. He offered to buy a takeaway after having been away all day, away rock climbing with his buddies again. I accepted. When we got there I asked him to ask what kids wanted (my kids, not his) he said he wasn't buying a takeaway for everyone!!!!! Completely went off the notion and I didn't eat, got my kids there's... he got his own. I'm I right in thinking this is bizzare? How can I possibly have a child with anyone who goes on like this?

I think I need to terminate the pregnancy. And it's not making it an easy decision. His response today was that I have no time for him?! Also as I didn't eat I asked if he'd pop out last night get me something I could go (I couldn't go out as kids in bed) he said no! And he wasn't being a 'skivvy' to me just because I was pregnant..!!!

Has anyone been in this situation before, does it get better? Feeling very hopeless

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/04/2023 11:28

Honestly, I would not not want to be tied to him forever more. He has very different expectations to you. I’d never tell anyone to terminate their pregnancy but I can’t see your relationship lasting with his attitude. What did he think your kids were going to eat? He sounds very tight, I couldn’t be with someone like him.

category12 · 08/04/2023 11:45

Yeah, you need out of this "relationship" -

  • you do everything for everyone else and get no appreciation from him
  • he doesn't consider your kids part of the deal and would exclude them
  • he won't help you out and would let you go hungry

What on earth is the point of being with him? He's a selfish arse.

orangeflags · 08/04/2023 12:34

End it. He's horrible

Shortpoet · 08/04/2023 12:46

This is him at his best. He selfishly begrudges doing anything that doesn’t directly benefit him. He doesn’t even think that the comfort of the mother of his child is a benefit to him. He thinks doing anything kind for another person is being “a skivvy”.

He is not going to change. There are no words you can say to make him understand better. He understands. He just doesn’t care.

billy1966 · 08/04/2023 13:02

Your poor children.
God help them.

Their mother pregnant with an awful mans child.

What chaos you have brought into their little lives.

No doubt it will only get so much worse.

If you care about your existin children at all, you will terminate and focus on improving the lives of the poor children you have.

Stop bringing utterly awful wasters into their lives.

You all deserve better.

You think your life is hard now?
It's going to get a whole lot worse unless you woman up, cop on, and make better choices.

Your poor children.
Start putting them first ahead of this complete loser.