AIBU to expect a birthday gift?

[whatsthesenseinsharing]

Pregnant to my partner, his first child my 3rd. Been together a while now. Last birthday we went on a trip, he did pay my fee. He experienced it as much as I did. This year I'm pregnant and limited. He's not willing to buy a gift and suggesting I'm far too into 'possessions'. I feel sad about this. He didn't acknowledge Mother's Day either. I do everything for everybody in the house, because I can't do much even a box of chocs would be nice. Can't help but think him putting money towards an experience means he shares this, and it's not solely about me.. AIBU?

Oh my goodness! Please put this man in the bin now, I actually can’t believe he treated your children that way and it wouldn’t hurt him to make sure the mother of his child eats something too, he is something else it wouldn’t surprise me if you told him to go and he would try to manipulate you into forgiving him again but from experience they never change, don’t ruin your life, and your kids will also remember he refused to buy them food too. With a mum who puts her kids first kids do realise

I've kept from the kids that he didn't buy, they Tony know half of it. That's what melee this so difficult. Anytime I try and come away from the relationship he is all 'this sits him is more than us, it's about everyone', which contradicts his actions and behaviours. He seams off to the pub and I tell him don't come back here as you're a mess, he agreed. Also suggested he get his sun place. He also agreed. It's the lasting effects on the kids, and the pregnancy. I fear he'd turn nasty if he found out I wasn't pregnant anymore. Just rotten... not in a fear of my life way but maybe put himself in harms way and see me as the cause - he is capable of that. Thanks for C all the replies. You all make sense, and me and the kids come as a package. Not something that can be picked apart when it suits

You could tell him you miscarried. It happens.

Yeah.. was thinking that! Not sure how I'd do it bc without him wanting to be involved, going to scans and having it confirmed. He's very much about the detail

Stop using what he might do or not do to stop you getting rid of him.

You're poor children deserve better than this waster that you brought into their lives.

Threats to self harm?
Suicide?

All from the abusers handbook to control and abuse.

Any threats from him, ring the police and tell THEM.

Stop looking for excuses to prot4your children and yourself from him.

You have this child with him and you and your poor children will have nothing but abuse from him.

I feel so desperately sorry for children like yours, your focus is completely on him and not on their childhood being destroyed by an absolute loser.

You all deserve so much better than him and unfortunately your children are depending on you to put what is best for them ahead of yourself.

Do the right thing for your children.

Forget about the loser you brought into their lives.

I’m so sorry OP, I know it’s too late now but wondering did you realise what he was like before you were TTC or was this an accident?

I’m just always a bit baffled that people make major decisions like this, especially when they have existing children, without really scrutinising the man they’re bringing into their life/lives.

So if he doesn’t pay for your kids now, when your kid is born is he going to only treat his kid and sideline his step kids? I appreciate not every man wants to pay for children that aren’t his BUT in that case the simple answer is to get with someone who doesn’t have kids. You can’t have it both ways!

And btw you said you can’t have another kid and bring them up yourself - I feel as an adult you should always be prepared to bring up children yourself if needs be.

Same applies to men tbh.

Even if you start in an ideal marriage, divorces and death do happen. It’s for this reason I only want 1-2 children.

I had a friend who could only cope with one child , she resisted her husbands efforts to convince her otherwise and she was glad she did when he left her, cleaned out their savings and shacked up with a work colleague. She said if she had had that second kid, things would have been totally unmanageable in that situation.

Well, he doesn't have the right to make you continue the pregnancy, so it's tough luck really. And he doesn't have the right to your medical information, so while he might suspect it's not a miscarriage, he doesn't have the right to be informed or involved.

And seriously you need out of this situation and having his baby would make it harder and keep him in your life even when you've left him.

It's some big decisions, I know, but you need to get out.

I agree that the best way forward is to end the relationship and end the pregnancy and tell him to go fuck himself. The medical staff will protect your privacy. The police will do welfare checks on him if he plays the manipulation game - but personally I’d block and delete the areshole.

And be single for a long time.

Fuck! What an update!

Op only you can decide if you want to terminate, and it's ok whatever you decide.

Please get rid if this selfish, abusive prick of a "man", there are so many red flags here!

How old are your other kids? Trust me they will see more than you think.

It's not selfish to bail in coercive relationships your attitude of not being worth happiness shows how much you're broken and showing your children that you put up with selfish twats isn't helping them or you. Your councillor sounds crap too.

Your poor, poor children. 💔

He’s horrible. If your love language is gifts and his is time shared together / shared experiences , he should not be writing your love language off as “commercialism” as if what makes you feel loved is somehow inferior to his preference.

neither way is superior to the other, it’s just information we can gather to show our partner we care. If he cared about your feelings and your well being, he wouldn’t be doing any of the things he’s doing or saying. It’s not a lot to ask. It’s a simple and small thing to pick up a gift for someone , to show them they’re thought of and cared for.

as for the food situation- my God, that right there would completely kill any attraction I had for a partner. You are pregnant and he can’t even help out by getting you some food?

he’s treating you disrespectfully. You are worth more than this.

please show this loser the door and do not let him have any more of your time or your life.

Thank you all for your replies, all have the undertones of the same message. He went out on Saturday lunchtime and didn't return until the small hours (5am) on easter sunday. I had to open the door as he was shouting and making a noise, and I didn't want to wake the children. Where can you be till that time? Doing things you really shouldn't be. I couldn't look at him all day, kept busy with the kids. Received a message telling me he wants to fight for our relationship, he is terrified of this baby being born and that me and the children deserve better. I didn't respond, and didn't engage with him. He has announed this morning after sleeping on couch and me completely disregarding him since he returned that he is leaving, taking all his things and leaving. Its my son's birthday so he's waiting till tomorrow to do this. I know its for the best. What I am deeply hurt about is that I will have to go through a termination on my own, navigate the waters of the children feeling let down by him and try and rebuild whilst attempting to hold myself and children intact. I am a broken person today, but I feel like this is all my own fault. Small upside though - never again. Maybe I jumped in too quick because I was a single mother with more than one child, and it does carry a stigma. Maybe I deep down felt I couldn't do it own my own? Childrens father died and I felt completely alone, and major responsibilities on my own. A time for healing now.

However hard things are now, it is nothing to how hard having a baby with this nasty mean man would be.

You are in an abusive dynamic and it would only get worse.

Your children deserve the best life you can give them.

They will pay bitterly in the future if you don't look after them above all others.

You can do right by your children.

Sorry you’re going through this. But your life will be so much better without him.

He's done you a favour. It'll be hard OP but you will be ok on your own. Get the ball rolling for a termination now if that's what you think is the right way forward