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Original poster

Need Advice - Drunken One Night Stand

31 replies

BH701 · 05/04/2023 10:14

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice, my partner had a drunken 1-night stand and I have no idea what to do.

Some background:

We've been together 2.5 years, everything went really quickly and he moved in after 6 months, I got pregnant and we had our little girl after being together for a year.

I found being pregnant and having a baby incredibly hard, I felt like I had tokophobia and I was very down and anxious through the pregnancy. Insecure about my body and how having a baby would change the relationship. It drove me mad sometimes and I really struggled.

I had her prematurely and all went OK, I love her to bits but I have perhaps had postnatal depression and been very down since having her. I've been more down by the fact my life seems to just consist of laundry and chores, than actually being down about her. So in turn, I've been really negative towards my partner, moaning, seeing no future for us, and generally being very down about life/the relationship, as I feel we've lost the spark and fun.

Anyway, things haven't been great, he went to a cousin's birthday alone which was a few hours away so booked a hotel. According to him, he got blind drunk to the point of not knowing what he was doing and woke up next to someone - but has no recollection of what happened, he assumes it could have been a one-night stand. He just got up, and just left without asking her any questions, and said he panicked.

He's been fairly distant for a while and has finally told me 2 months later.

I have no idea what to do now. I said I would never forgive someone who cheated on me, but I have also cheated on an ex in the past when very drunk, so I've also made this mistake and have a bit more understanding as to why it happened, but I'm still not OK with it. I also believe that I did it to end my relationship because I was unhappy - not an excuse but my reason behind it. So ultimately, it ended that relationship, so perhaps that was what he was trying to do. He says not at all.

He is remorseful, and apologetic and said he didn't realise how unhappy he was about the relationship until this happened. He just wanted to get blind drunk at the time. He said he felt I saw no future for us and I was so negative that he couldn't cope with it. Again, not an excuse at all, but his reason behind it.

My view is, even if you don't remember and never intended to cheat, in that moment you did want someone else and you did intend to - remember or not.

I don't know whether to forgive him, or if I even can. I do believe it wouldn't have happened had he not been drunk and it has highlighted that we need to fix our relationship issues in order for this to ever work, so we've said we will go to couples counselling.

I'm having separate counselling for my other issues too. I've always told him how being cheated on is my biggest fear and I'm so insecure, so I'm not sure I will get over this, I don't even know how to. But I also don't want to split up right now, we have our little girl and I love him, but can it ever just be a one-time mistake and will it just happen again when things get difficult? I feel like a mug for even considering forgiving him, but thinking of splitting kills me too.

His friends/family have said how out of character it is for him, but there's always a first time so who knows.

I just want some advice, or has this happened to anyone else? Have things worked out or not? How can I try to get over it? I'm all over the place at the moment and sometimes I just cry, others I just pretend it's not happening.

Please be kind, as I'm pretty down right now and struggling with things.

Thank you

OP posts:
janice53 · 05/04/2023 11:02

You deserve better girl. No man should make you feel like that, only God. Amen.

TheCatterall · 05/04/2023 12:09

It’s worth trying to work things out isn’t it?

Yes he majorly fucked up. But I’ve (in a misspent youth) also been drunk to the point I’ve made bad choices and had complete blank spots the day after so it’s feasible that he really didn’t mean to and doesn’t recall what happened. It’s not an excuse but it adds to weighing up the situation.

you are getting help for your insecurities and if you do couple’s counselling- if nothing else you will be able to communicate and understand each other better.

if you split up after that - at least you tried everything to save your relationship and hopefully the counselling will better help you co-parent.

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 12:50

Yes I think counselling is worth doing, like you said even if we can then communicate better at co-parenting. I do need help learning how to communicate, I have in the past got drunk and had angry outbursts along with cheating on my ex, which I'm getting help for.

I understand how the guilt can just eat away at you and I'd never want to be in that position again

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 05/04/2023 12:54

i think counselling and talking to your partner is the way through this. Keep talking.

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 12:54

ThatshallotBaby - thank you!

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 05/04/2023 12:55

You are not a mug for wanting to work on your relationship

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 12:56

ThatshallotBaby - I guess I feel like a mug for forgiving him, at the moment anyway! But I guess I haven't decided whether I can forgive him or not until we have counselling

OP posts:
Greentree1 · 05/04/2023 12:59

If he was that drunk I would be surprised if anything actually happened! Apart from waking up beside someone, which in itself is bad enough.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 05/04/2023 13:17

Call me suspious but it's amazing how drink impacted his memory so severely but had no impact on his penis.

I suspect he remembers a lot more than he's telling you.

ThatshallotBaby · 05/04/2023 13:17

Give yourself time. Keep going with the counselling.
I hope everything works out for you.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 05/04/2023 13:23

I think it's a shame that other people are aware of what happened as these things are much easier to deal with kept between the two of you. I don't think it's unforgivable, as someone who has been in difficult relationships I can see the appeal of finding comfort elsewhere but I haven't had it done to me. Counselling is a great idea if it is agreeable to both of you. Does anyone know who the female is, so you could find out from her what happened, check she's not pregnant? That would be a deal breaker for me. But I think it's worthwhile trying to salvage things. Don't underestimate how hard it will be though.

Antiquiteas · 05/04/2023 14:02

he got blind drunk to the point of not knowing what he was doing and woke up next to someone - but has no recollection of what happened

Bullshit. He knows exactly what happened. He got pissed, wanted to cheat and did so because he had a lovely hotel room to himself, far away from you and his baby.

I won’t tell you I would want to do, you seem very vulnerable, but I wouldn’t believe the self-excusing nonsense version of events he’s given you. Nothing excuses what he did.

Smokingonthestairs · 05/04/2023 14:05

I’d just dump him tbh. You’ve had a hard enough time and life with someone you don’t trust is absolutely shit.

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 14:08

There's no way to find out who she is, I've asked all family who went to the party, I called the hotel for cctv and the place they went to and they dont keep it for long enough apparently.

I keep saying I think it's bullshit he remembers nothing, I have been drunk enough to be unsure, or at least only have flashbacks of things that happened but I've never lost my memory completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 14:09

And yes I am not happy everyone knows, but when he told me I was in a state so he called my mum. I'd have preferred it if no one had known, apart from people I'd have wanted to tell

OP posts:
samyeagar · 05/04/2023 14:48

BH701 · 05/04/2023 14:08

There's no way to find out who she is, I've asked all family who went to the party, I called the hotel for cctv and the place they went to and they dont keep it for long enough apparently.

I keep saying I think it's bullshit he remembers nothing, I have been drunk enough to be unsure, or at least only have flashbacks of things that happened but I've never lost my memory completely.

Whether he has any spotty memories and flashbacks or not, it does not seem to be in dispute that he was in fact pretty pissed. Surely this starts to get into the issue of consent.

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 15:00

I don't think he's that type of person, but none of us know what happened and I don't think I'll ever find out who she was

OP posts:
MumboNumba5 · 05/04/2023 15:07

Go to counselling together and on your own and work very hard on your relationship. If he was so drunk he probably couldn't even fuck her.
I would forgive given all the info here. It's different if he was sober having an affair for ages or kept repeating getting drunk and ONS.
She might have been pissed as fart as well. She might lie. Focus on your relationship and mental health.

Bookworm20 · 05/04/2023 15:17

but has no recollection of what happened, he assumes it could have been a one-night stand. He just got up, and just left without asking her any questions, and said he panicked.

Sorry, but what? So he wakes up with a random girl in his hotel room, and he silently leaves without asking her anything? And just left her there in his room? Because he 'panicked'?

OK, so he may have been 'blind' drunk the night before (made it back to his room ok though I see). But the next morning when he wakes up sober he doesn't ask any questions??
And just walks out on her? And has complete amnesia? Sorry, not buying it. Aside from the fact he has a girlfriend he has just cheated on, what a total shit to sleep with someone and then just piss off without a word?
Lovely way he treats women then, OP.
Although I very much doubt thats how it went down. Is he normally quiet as a catburgler after a night on the piss, so much so, that he can find all his clothes, get dressed, pack his bags and leave without waking his new roommate?

So either he is lying and he knows exactly who she is and what happened. Which I suspect is the case and the reason you now know he 'possibly' cheated on you. There were friends/family at this party who certainly know and he was afraid you'd find out I expect. So best to give the bare minimum detail in case it ever comes up and you can say 'yes he told me' or can say 'yes I've told her'. Except I bet they know a hell of a lot more than you do.

Or he is a grade A prick who fucks someone randomly when drunk and then just leaves them without a word to them the next morning. Under the guise of 'panicking'.
He didn't think to bloody check at this point if they had sex? used protection? Would need to get tested? Or he just thought best continue to behave like a selfish shit and not do any of that, ignore her completely and go home and potentially pass on an STD to my GF.

Either way, He's not exactly a prince among men is he?

Aprilx · 05/04/2023 15:18

I don’t know what you should do, but what I found troubling about this was that you seem to start off by blaming yourself to a degree. I also don’t believe for one second that he was too drunk to remember or realise what he was doing. If he were that drunk, it wouldn’t have got to that stage, he would have passed out in a corner on his own. I truly think he was very well aware of what he was doing, but it is up to you whether you are willing to forgive that.

Canima · 05/04/2023 15:23

Its very difficult to advise and I see your conundrum. Though I would recommend breaking up, I would too seek counselling, given you have a child. Sorry this has happened to you

Original poster
BH701 · 05/04/2023 15:50

I've asked him why he didn't check with her, and if she woke up. He said she was asleep too, maybe drunk as well I guess, and he didn't want to know. Which isn't great, but I guess the less he knew the less he has to tell me.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/04/2023 18:14

I’ve been that drunk I’d have had zero idea or intent of cheating. Not saying what he said was definitely true but it doesn’t mean there was some intent to cheat just because he was unhappy and got drunk. It happens. He told you the truth, I guess it’s up to you whether you can make it work. I’d imagine if he was that drunk little happened

OhwhyOY · 05/04/2023 20:51

In these situations I'd trust your gut. If your gut tells you you love him and it's worth trying to see if you can get over it then I'd try. Counselling is a great idea, as is working on the relationship more widely - talking about what you want, how you feel about each other etc. Make the effort, and see what happens. If it helps I know many people who get blackout drunk and remember nothing, some of whom have cheated on their partners whilst in that state. It may mean he wanted to cheat but it may not - when drunk the rational centre of your brain switches off and it's your emotional centre that leads the way, so you have little impulse control. I wouldn't see yourself as a mug for not dumping him immediately. I have friends who have gone through this situation, stayed together, and been stronger for it. So if your gut tells you he's a good man and the one for you, give it a go.

Bookworm20 · 06/04/2023 08:33

I think the biggest thing you need to consider is how you will feel the next time he goes out to something and will be getting drunk. If he had no control over himself the last time, what makes him think he'll be fine the next? also, is the first time its happened? Or just the first time he has told you because of the fact friends and family were there, and a chance you'd find out. I'd be asking for the absolute truth right now, because his story about just leaving and her not even waking up when he must of made at least some noise surely, getting dressed, packing his stuff, all whilst 'panicking'.
Also he may well not have actually slept with her (unlikely, but maybe). But the fact he woke up with someone in his bed would suggest he had every intention to, which is just as bad.

Or consider how you will feel the next time he is a bit unhappy, or you guys have an argument and he goes out with his mates.

Can you live like that?

I'd also be looking at what he doing right now to fix this mess. Is he actually holding himself fully accountable or still excusing it as the drinks fault. Has he ever got so drunk before he has had total amnesia of the nights events?

Theres alot to consider. personally I couldn't stay with someone who could cheat the minute they are unhappy or when they get drunk. But you have a young child to consider so I get its certainly not an easy decision. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. And you don;t need to make any decisions right away. You can see if it is something you can get past and even in a few months, even a year if you find it isn't you can make a decision then. there is no time limit on how you feel about it.