Need Advice - Drunken One Night Stand

[BH701]

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice, my partner had a drunken 1-night stand and I have no idea what to do.

Some background:

We've been together 2.5 years, everything went really quickly and he moved in after 6 months, I got pregnant and we had our little girl after being together for a year.

I found being pregnant and having a baby incredibly hard, I felt like I had tokophobia and I was very down and anxious through the pregnancy. Insecure about my body and how having a baby would change the relationship. It drove me mad sometimes and I really struggled.

I had her prematurely and all went OK, I love her to bits but I have perhaps had postnatal depression and been very down since having her. I've been more down by the fact my life seems to just consist of laundry and chores, than actually being down about her. So in turn, I've been really negative towards my partner, moaning, seeing no future for us, and generally being very down about life/the relationship, as I feel we've lost the spark and fun.

Anyway, things haven't been great, he went to a cousin's birthday alone which was a few hours away so booked a hotel. According to him, he got blind drunk to the point of not knowing what he was doing and woke up next to someone - but has no recollection of what happened, he assumes it could have been a one-night stand. He just got up, and just left without asking her any questions, and said he panicked.

He's been fairly distant for a while and has finally told me 2 months later.

I have no idea what to do now. I said I would never forgive someone who cheated on me, but I have also cheated on an ex in the past when very drunk, so I've also made this mistake and have a bit more understanding as to why it happened, but I'm still not OK with it. I also believe that I did it to end my relationship because I was unhappy - not an excuse but my reason behind it. So ultimately, it ended that relationship, so perhaps that was what he was trying to do. He says not at all.

He is remorseful, and apologetic and said he didn't realise how unhappy he was about the relationship until this happened. He just wanted to get blind drunk at the time. He said he felt I saw no future for us and I was so negative that he couldn't cope with it. Again, not an excuse at all, but his reason behind it.

My view is, even if you don't remember and never intended to cheat, in that moment you did want someone else and you did intend to - remember or not.

I don't know whether to forgive him, or if I even can. I do believe it wouldn't have happened had he not been drunk and it has highlighted that we need to fix our relationship issues in order for this to ever work, so we've said we will go to couples counselling.

I'm having separate counselling for my other issues too. I've always told him how being cheated on is my biggest fear and I'm so insecure, so I'm not sure I will get over this, I don't even know how to. But I also don't want to split up right now, we have our little girl and I love him, but can it ever just be a one-time mistake and will it just happen again when things get difficult? I feel like a mug for even considering forgiving him, but thinking of splitting kills me too.

His friends/family have said how out of character it is for him, but there's always a first time so who knows.

I just want some advice, or has this happened to anyone else? Have things worked out or not? How can I try to get over it? I'm all over the place at the moment and sometimes I just cry, others I just pretend it's not happening.

Please be kind, as I'm pretty down right now and struggling with things.

Thank you

I would dump him. I tried to get over something similar but I was paranoid every time he went out after that and it made me into someone I didn't like. I am also dubious about his story.

If he doesn’t remember if they had any form of sexual contact or not then has he been tested for STD’s and have you? As some have no symptoms.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. I promise you.

Hi,

Thank you for the replies.

Bookworm20 - I don't believe it has ever happened before, but yes I won't ever know, and in future I will have a really hard time trusting him ever when he's having a drink.

He's not a big drinker, and isnt one for nights out with his mates, but I'm sure there will be times in future when this happens and I will find it impossible to trust him I suppose.

I have said what happens when you're next unhappy, or when things are so tough you don't know what to do, and he says he wants to go to counseling to fix how we communicate with each other. He said he felt hopeless at the time and like there was no way to try and fix the problems because he had tried and I was in such a bad place, it didnt seem likely. Which again is no excuse.

He was against cheating before and said he didn't think he was that type of person, obviously he is however and he seems certain it won't happen again as now he knows he's capable of doing it, he won't put himself in that situation again - if we're unhappy we'll hopefully find a better way of resolving things through counseling. But, I think, he was so drunk he didnt know what situation he was in so how is he going to stop it again before it happens. He says he wont' get that drunk again if we're having problems and hopefully counseling helps us, but I'll still struggle to ever believe he won't do this again. It's also more the lying for 2 months, why didn't he come home and tell me right away if he felt so badly about it. I didnt really notice that much of a change, maybe a bit more distant but that's it, which is worrying because he hid it fairly well.

At the moment I've said we'll try to work on things, but I struggle to not bring it up everyday and I ask a lot of questions about it. So that frustrates him, I don't know how to move on and act like nothing happened, whereas I feel like he wants to continue as we were, or at least try to. He finds it hard to give me a lot of love when he's not getting it back, so he is trying but then when I don't reciprocate he can pull away again. We're going round in circles to some extent, because I need him to put a huge effort in and when I feel as though we're getting somewhere, he'll get more back.

I'm finding it hard to trust my gut, sometimes, he seems like the most kind caring person ever, and others I think he has no empathy for me. He'll give me empathy initially and understanding, but if then I don't move on, he'll switch off and get fed up.

Thank you everyone!

A similar thing has just happened to me, although I am nearly 20 years married. It’s incredibly hard, and I feel for you. If my husband and I hadn’t been together so long, I would have chucked him out. I hope you work things out.

Have you decided to forgive? How are you planning on learning to trust again?

I'm not getting very far with deciding at the moment! X