Life after affair - affecting everything

[MrsBonBons]

Hi mumsnet
First post, been hanging round here for a while. 7 months ago I discovered my husband of 12 years was having an affair, very predictably with a woman 9 years younger than me from his work. To add to the drama she was engaged to a woman at the time. Her fiancé threatened to tell me as she found out several months before I did yet they still carried on. Basically she was the opposite of me. Didn’t want kids, free spirit, not hugely career minded. I think he wanted escapism. Things had been rocky for 3 years before he did this and I do take some responsibility for that.

I suspected for several weeks and found an email for an STI kit he had ordered, along with WhatsApp’s plotting to leave me and my two girls either before my 40th or to wait until after my 40th 🙄 (I found out before as a side note 😂). I feel hugely betrayed by him and I really didn’t think he was the kind of man to do this. I’ve since found out he did things like telling me he was going to work and instead spending the day with her, taking her to fancy restaurants, bought her a necklace….the whole works.

7 months on, I chucked him out the night I confronted him. He is now living in a flat round the corner from the family home and I’m trying so hard to keep things amicable. He comes round most eves after work to see my DDs (12 and 9). He also has them 2 nights a week. I’ve had to lie to my 12 year old who has asked me if daddy has had an affair. I decided it was up to him to tell her not me. I want the kids to have a positive relationship with him as I don’t want them F’ed up by this. I also have to be mindful that I need things to stay pleasant now divorce proceedings are starting.

My question is this…….I feel I have hit an emotional wall. If anything I’m struggling more than I was 2 months ago. My sleep is crap, I flit from feeling highly anxious to angry. I have tried online dating as really feel I need to try and move on with life. He didn’t beg me to take him back which has totally crushed my self confidence and feelings of rejection. I have met a nice man on Hinge a couple of months ago. We are just dating but I’m constantly looking for signs he is speaking to other women. It is making me feel sick with anxiety,

How do I move on with my life and lift myself out of this hole? I’m having weekly counselling. How long will I feel like this? X

7 months is nothing.
I'm 17 months post and still have nightmares (although a bit more to my story) but betrayal is betrayal.

You're struggling because seeing him is triggering. Stop having him come by all the time? He can see the kids elsewhere.

And pretending to your kids he's Mr Nice Guy is wearing. Mine didn't ask but if they had I'd have told them.

The lack of trust is normal after infidelity unfortunately. Take it steady and just talk to him. If he's right he'll stick around.

Dating isn't the answer to your self-esteem issues, you need to fix that from within.
Which is a lovely glib little remark innit OP, I don;t mean to annoy or dismiss you with it, & appreciate it's easier said than done.

Firstly I agree with Morewine about knocking his visits to the family home on the head. It's not good for you to be playing happy families in your own space. He forfeited the right to have you facilitate him when he betrayed you, just stop doing it. he can take the DC to his flat or entertain them at various venues.

Secondly - don't lie to DD12 if she asks about the affair again.
She clearly suspects, & has suffered 1 parent effectively leaving her - you need to be her safe space, her font of truth & no bullshit, who she can rely on not to let her down. Lying for daddy is not helping. any more than allowing daddy to waltz into your home every night is.
You don't have to give her the unvarnished truth, but you can easily say something like "he made some mistakes & lied about them to me, but you'd need to talk to him about that. Also it's me he's left - not you, & whatever has happened between us, we both still love you" etc.

Thirdly - you are only 7 months in.
It's going to hurt.
It's hurting worse, & longer, because fuckwit is inserting himself into your evening routine every night. You need clear air between him & you, or how else can you start healing?

Finally - and I’m trying so hard to keep things amicable
Fuck that noise.
It's not amicable.
It can be civil, in front of the kids, & about each other, but there is no amity here. The cunt bought HIMSELF an STI kit. Presumably the possiblity of you being infected didn't bother him, so long as HE was ok. He coldly planned whether to leave before or after your 40th. He lied, plotted, spent family money on his floozy. He broke his vows & his commitment to his DC, all to get his leg over somebody else.
You need CHUMP LADY OP.
https://www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Have a browse of the archives. Marvel at the wisdom, experience, helpful advice & snark.
Find your anger.
Reclaim your home space. He no longer gets to enter your home.
Date your Hinge guy if it makes you happy, but don't lean on him - he;s your rebound. Have carefree sex with him & don't look to him to be your sole source of validation.
Plan a holiday with the kids. Focus on your career. Make sure you see friends & have a laugh. Get a divorce pushed through, do whatever you need to do re: settlement, whether family home needs selling etc.
All of this is about taking steps toward a fresh start, which you won't get while you let your cheat hang round YOUR home, disturbing your peace of mind, playing at amicable.

Fucker has no amity for you. Don't believe a word he might say about financial settlements either - he's a known liar. Lawyer up. Get angry. Get what's rightfully yours. Get free.

Firstly he needs to stop coming round all the time. That must make you incredibly anxious. The children will cope and it was his decision to have an affair so he can’t pretend life is just normal.
Secondly - you’ve had an enormous shock - just think about how well you’ve done, how far you’ve come. You’re amazing. Take each day slowly and don’t have big expectations of yourself. See this lovely man but just enjoy the moment, you don’t have to make plans for the future with him yet. Enjoy him on a very simple level - you have fun and that’s good. No massive serious relationship, just two people doing things they enjoy. There is no hurry.
You’re grieving for the life you had and that is going to take time - especially as it’s the life you thought you had. Betrayal is shocking and exhausting.
See him for what he is - whatever you think you did is nothing compared to him. All marriages go through sticky patches but he manipulated you, his kids and betrayed his whole life.
Just be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect too much, allow yourself a slow recovery.
But you must must must stop him coming round all the time. You need your own space! And the kids need to get used to the life he made for them.
He is a grade one bastard - let him simmer in the crap he created.

Thank you so much for your advice @KettrickenSmiled and @Morewineplease10. I think you are both right. I need to reinstate boundaries around the eve routine. Maybe say he can come round 1 or 2 nights a week which are set nights and I leave the house whilst he is there. I’m just exhausted by it all. Unfortunately because I’m so tired I actually welcome him washing DD’s hair rather than me but it’s doing me no favours in healing. I find he says patronising suggestions to me about how I could be happier and improve my mood………‘I’m unhappy and broken because of what YOU did’ 🙄🙄

I know it looks like I’m being a doormat….I probably am but I’m petrified that he will say he wants kids more than 2 nights. I won’t get any spousal payment and really want to stay in family home with the kids. But think I’m probably fixating too much on that and need to get a bit more angry and hard nosed with him. I won’t lie to DD again. Let’s face it, if she’s asked the question, she knows the answer.

I can see I will be changed forever by this.

@Sunnysunbun yes, totally agree with you. I need to man up stop him sending irritating messages on his way home about how he’s ‘just going to pop in to see the kids’. No you are not!!

He is a bastard. And I can’t believe he has done this to me. I need to get my walls up in order to heal. But I’m so tired and sad 😞

I know it looks like I’m being a doormat….I probably am but I’m petrified that he will say he wants kids more than 2 nights. I won’t get any spousal payment and really want to stay in family home with the kids.

You're not a doormat.
You are absolutely NOT a doormat. You are reeling with shock & betrayal & fear.
It's ok. It's normal. It passes.

I urge you again to bolster yourself with Chump Lady's blog, you will find so much energy, advice & good sense there.

As to your quote above - LAWYER UP.
The sooner this is over, the sooner you can properly heal.
Start taking charge, get ahead of the game by finding out what an asset split scenario would look like.

You may not be able to retain the family home, & need to face that as a practical possibility.
But the peace of mind & increase in personal agency of having your own home which he cannot enter will be immense.
He's unlikely to want 50/50, most men don't. DC will cramp the footloose style he thinks he's going to be living. He may use the threat of it to control you with - again, lawyer up, get a good snapshot of various asset split scenarios & go in hard for what is rightfully yours.

I think it’s always going to be tough to move on when he’s coming round all the time. If he’s got the kids twice a week anyway then limit it to one visit, or none. He can always take them out to dinner if he wants to see them.

I’d be careful with dating if you’re not ready, you don’t want to hurt someone unintentionally

You need to put really strong boundaries in place. He's still trampling all over you. You can be civil in front of DDs and encourage the routine of their overnights with him. That's all you need to do. The relationship he has with them is his responsibility.
Single motherhood is bloody hard work but you'll honestly get into the swing of doing the kids' stuff yourself. Yes, you'll be knackered but use the nights they're with him to recharge and do exactly as you please.
Can't echo PPs loudly enough to lawyer up. He's being pleasant while he always gets his own way. As soon as you assert yourself you'll very quickly see that this man is not your friend. You've been in shock but you're starting to see clearly now. It honestly won't always be this hard. Cliché but be kind to yourself.

Unfortunately because I’m so tired I actually welcome him washing DD’s hair rather than me but it’s doing me no favours in healing.

Why can't he wash DD's hair in his own bathroom?
Why can't he take them out, or just have them at his? That gives you the advantage of getting a proper break while they're with him, & also some clear space from him.

How DARE he waltz in with his "dad's home!" act every night?
Let alone the patronising comments. He is undermining you with those remarks. It;s deliberate.
Tell him you need, as a family, to face what has happened & stop pretending that evenings are still going to be with both parents in attendance. That the DC need to get accustomed to the fact that you live separately now, & start viewing his place as their home from home.

Hello OP
sone good advice above. Just wanted to say I’ve been in your shoes and it does take a while. Someone told me you have to accept it’s like a cycle of grief with all the stages that takes, and I think there is some truth in that - you are grieving for the life you had but will come to terms with acceptance that you move into a new stage. Lovely you’ve met a new man - just take it slow and enjoy it 😄

Agree with all pps. I think one of the most painful things about betrayal is the lack of agency. You haven’t chosen this, and you didn’t do this. Instead, someone who was supposed to love you chose it for you. And chose all the lying and deceit and gaslighting that goes with it. It’s an enormous shock, often said to be similar to a bereavement so it’s no surprise that you still feel shocking after 7 months.
But, you need to start taking your agency back and making choices that are simply and solely best for you and dc. Frankly, who the fuck cares if HE wants to be amicable? He has behaved appallingly and shown himself to be a lying, duplicitous toad. Be civil for the sake of the children of course but nothing more. And no, he doesn’t just get to “pop round” and see the children whenever he wants, you need time and space to recover from the absolute trauma you have suffered, which HE caused.
In terms of him wanting to see more of the DC, you said Miss Shiny New Toy doesn’t want children so it’s very unlikely he will want to have them more often, it would cramp his style. Plus, one of the things about fucking someone else and leaving your wife means you don’t get to see dc everyday - he knew that and this is a consequence of his behaviour.
Get the best divorce solicitor you can find and afford and start the ball rolling to get rid of this weasel. Once YOU start making demands and choices, he will be angry, but tough shit, he chose all of this. In terms of making yourself feel better for now, getting outside will help. I’m sure you’ve got absolutely no free time, but if you can, a 20 minute stamp around a local park or even the local streets will lift your mood. Also, exercise. I know you don’t feel like it, but get some cheap weights from the middle isle at Aldi and do a few free YouTube videos. Regaining your physical strength will help you to regain your mental strength. Good luck op, you will get through this, give it time and try to be kind to yourself xx

This advice is golden.

My god get him out of your house. No wonder you’re going round the bend if he is there every night! And pause the dating, 7 months is nothing and you need time to process what’s happened.

This trauma caused by lying not cheating even lasts two full years. After that you really could not give a duck.

Try the following mates. Past is anger. Future is dear. The only peace is in the present.

There is no harm in telling your children their father is a liar and because of his lies he made it too difficult for you to stay with him. You wanted him to stop and gave him many chances. Don’t continue punishing yourself because by the sound of it he has no problem putting it down on you.

Here’s another healer. When people have problems in a marriage they try and fix it and go to counselling. They try date nights etc, spending more time together.

Cheating is not one of those things they try.

There is nothing wrong in him not wanting you. He sounds like a person who does not see the value of anything including his own kids. So make yourself a nice hot drink and breathe relief that he’s allowed you to get someone way better. He’s definitely not up to standard whereas you sound normal and a super mummy. I would just speak the truth on the latter point. Age appropriate no lies that way you are not doing damage by negating your children’s reality.

Boundaries hugely important with this manipulator. He’s dictating to you how you are feeling when he will see you will he leave you won’t he leave you. Stop beating yourself you have every right to feel the way you do. And for him to mock your feelings. What a shit. He gets off on it.

Huge hugs for you.

Mantra not mates…

You should not have lied to your child. It’s not up to you to make daddy sound good.
She asked the question, she should have got a truthful answer.

I wonder if you need to keep up the pretence whilst you get lawyered up. Get his pension too, that’s a good hurting point he may not have thought of when he was giving his dick priority.

Don’t forget your kids turn 14 soon when they can choose where they go. Importance of transparency right there. Keep the screenshots of his plans. I’m telling ya he’s a very cunning guy who may try and twist the story. Actually he’s doing it already in leaving then coming round.

Great advice above
And get a financial settlement asap
with the kids help of a good solicitor
while he still feels guilty, before he can hide assets, and before there can be a contraceptive failure (more offspring means he gets more financially)

Thank you so much for your advice everyone. I can’t tell you how much it has given me a kick up the arse and some motivation to change the current status quo.

I agree 7 months is too soon to be dating.
. I guess I have just tried to prove to myself I can get back out there but maybe need to rethink this. Just trying to find a small amount of joy in a fucking massive hole of shit,

It is reassuring to hear from you all that have got through to the other side of this. Plan for today: chat to exH. Agree the one extra day he can come over. Kids can go round his if they want to see him more.

I have found a good lawyer who I feel has got my back which is good.

Yes, need to get divorce sorted asap I agree. He’s still feeling some guilt and tells me that they are not together but god knows what’s going on. Can’t trust him

I'm sorry it's turned out the way it has, a lot of what you've said resonates with me. I'm 5 years on.. I limped along thing we could fix things and that just cause more harm than good to my own mental state. Don't lie about your exH affair to your daughter, no good will come of that and there's been enough lies told already. I certainly wouldn't have him popping round nightly.. is he getting his dinner to!! Set clear boundaries on when he can and can't visit, make your contact as minimal as possible, only then will you start to feel better. It's still very early days for you, sending love and strength your way xx

@DustyLee123 i know I shouldn’t have lied. She asked me about two weeks after I found out. I wanted to protect her from all the hurt. I know I played that badly. If she asks more I will tell her

Thank you @tryandfindmenow. I agree with you. In fact I agree with all the advice on this thread.
i am unsure whether it’s possible to ever trust a man again which is sad

Don’t let him set foot inside your house. My ex doesn’t. It’s my safe space. If he wants to see the kids after school he can take them out. Could he really have them more days? Would he be in a position to pick them up from school? My ex wanted 50:50 right up until it impacted his work and now it’s every other weekend.

You need to protect your space!

@Buildingthefuture i will follow your plan. Including the weights! Thank you for such good advice x