Life after affair - affecting everything

[MrsBonBons]

Hi mumsnet
First post, been hanging round here for a while. 7 months ago I discovered my husband of 12 years was having an affair, very predictably with a woman 9 years younger than me from his work. To add to the drama she was engaged to a woman at the time. Her fiancé threatened to tell me as she found out several months before I did yet they still carried on. Basically she was the opposite of me. Didn’t want kids, free spirit, not hugely career minded. I think he wanted escapism. Things had been rocky for 3 years before he did this and I do take some responsibility for that.

I suspected for several weeks and found an email for an STI kit he had ordered, along with WhatsApp’s plotting to leave me and my two girls either before my 40th or to wait until after my 40th 🙄 (I found out before as a side note 😂). I feel hugely betrayed by him and I really didn’t think he was the kind of man to do this. I’ve since found out he did things like telling me he was going to work and instead spending the day with her, taking her to fancy restaurants, bought her a necklace….the whole works.

7 months on, I chucked him out the night I confronted him. He is now living in a flat round the corner from the family home and I’m trying so hard to keep things amicable. He comes round most eves after work to see my DDs (12 and 9). He also has them 2 nights a week. I’ve had to lie to my 12 year old who has asked me if daddy has had an affair. I decided it was up to him to tell her not me. I want the kids to have a positive relationship with him as I don’t want them F’ed up by this. I also have to be mindful that I need things to stay pleasant now divorce proceedings are starting.

My question is this…….I feel I have hit an emotional wall. If anything I’m struggling more than I was 2 months ago. My sleep is crap, I flit from feeling highly anxious to angry. I have tried online dating as really feel I need to try and move on with life. He didn’t beg me to take him back which has totally crushed my self confidence and feelings of rejection. I have met a nice man on Hinge a couple of months ago. We are just dating but I’m constantly looking for signs he is speaking to other women. It is making me feel sick with anxiety,

How do I move on with my life and lift myself out of this hole? I’m having weekly counselling. How long will I feel like this? X

7 months is nothing in terms of healing
I’m only starting to process properly and I’m 3 years out , and also started dating but that also went to shit as I hadn’t processed either

It’s very hard to trust again , but in simple terms not everyone cheats and be careful you don’t put baggage into new one as your so traumatised

I also agree with PP that you will struggle to move on with him so present in your life

so hang in there , it’s a small amount of time and a HUGE betrayal

keep looking after yourself and minimise him
this is your right after what he did

Don’t let him set foot inside your house. My ex doesn’t. It’s my safe space.

Just want to add another voice to the chorus around this. You HAVE to have a space where you can feel relaxed and in charge. Your ex is still making negative choices on your behalf left, right and centre and it's terrible for your sense of agency and mental health.

In my experience, selfishness goes to the bone. Anyone who can make such ludicrously selfish choices as your ex has isn't likely to have the long-term stickability to show up as a consistent 50:50 parent, or anything like it. So don't worry too much about that.

My ex initially made out like he was only settling for less time with the kids as a favour to me, and would pick up more down the track. Once I set in place some proper boundaries and wasn't letting him waltz in and out of my conveniently located house (he moved halfway across the city) for time with the kids, and insisted that he take on basic parenting responsibilities like picking kids up from school, making sure homework was done during his time with them, dealing with school-related admin for his contact days, etc, he soon lost enthusiasm.

Yes I don’t think he will ask for more than two nights. He travels a lot for work anyway. So I doubt he would want that. I didn’t realise that kids can choose who they stay with once they are 14. Something to bare in mind. Thank you.
biggest theme on here it for reset the boundaries with him re. Visiting. I’ll tackle that and report back. I would say although he is an absolutely atrocious husband he does love the kids and is a good dad (although obviously a hugely selfish dad doing this to them)

I would speak to a solicitor before you speak to DH. And don't get carried away and say too much.

The longer you have your kids for 5 nights, the more leverage you have for that to continue.

Do u have his pension docs?

Have you applied for a divorce? Do it in your name, not as a joint thing.

Get as much access as you can to his finances. Start moving yours around. See if you can get him to buy new coats/shoes for the kids now.

I wouldn't berate yourself for not telling your DD. You were only trying to protect her.

Everyone deals with this differently. You sound like you're dealing with things well.

I think having a man is not necessarily a bad thing, it's a distraction and a comfort after all?

My ex gas lit me for a year after he left, I used to worry about him and give him some of my sleeping pills! What an idiot.

He's gaslit my kids too, in various ways, I won't get into it.

It's shocking, whst they turn into. No, you'll never be the same person again, you'll be stronger though.

Sending strength and hugs. It's a horrible thing to go through.

Get divorce done as soon as you can. Don't reveal your game plan.

Push back on his visits, say you think it's healthier for the kids for them to see him in his own new home.

Don't agree to 50 50, if he tries to go there then he'll have to fight for it.

@Morewineplease10, yes I’ve got all the finances and have all the docs I need. His pension is a final salary one so I have had to get an actuary to value it. The report takes 3-5 months to produce 😳. So I have to wait for that before I file for divorce as if he pops his clogs whilst that’s being done I will get nothing if I’ve already filled.

we have had some long discussions re. Split of assets and I’ve met with my solicitor to go through what is fair. Looks like a 70/30 or 60/40 split in my favour. I think the pension is worth a lot so am hopeful that will offset the value of the house so I can stay. Although have held my cards close to my chest and told him I’ll happily move if needs be.

He is in a job where he’s paid big yearly bonuses so I know he will be absolutely fine in 3 years or so and can start again so I must get the most I can get.

@Morewineplease10 also thank you for your thoughts on me not telling my daughter. It is what it is and I was just trying to not upset her as I was in bits and couldn’t hide the tears etc. I think she knows and she will ask at some point I’m sure.

Another voice in the chorus of you don't have to make him out to be nice: remember he's already playing at that himself and undermining you with the patronising comments (possibly said within earshot if kids..).

My hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband didn't cheat but he's done other things that have destroyed me and completely altered my children's lives and experiences of having a mother because I've been struggling so much with his behaviours. It took me some convincing to stop making out that he's a good guy to the kids. And it then took some more time for me to get used to enacting that.

I now see my kids' relationship with their father as 100% determined by him and his behaviour - towards us all. If he upsets a kid then I acknowledge that, agree it feels bad when someone isn't nice to you, because it's real. I support them with their feelings and moving on to other feelings. I no longer involve myself promoting him as a "good dad" because a) if he is one he'll be one and b) because he's sure as hell not promoting me as a good mother. I don't badmouth him though (it's tempting at times though!). It takes energy and it pisses me off that I should have to invest energy in consoling my children after my apparent coparent has upset them, but I have more energy for it because I invest ZERO in actively facilitating their relationship: he's an adult, he's their parent, it's up to him.

It's ok to tell them the truth. You can say it hurts, but also say that you're getting through it, you're going to be ok. I think it's important to not end with Yes he cheated, but move the kids' minds on something that indicates that although shit things happen in life, we can keep going, that there still is a future (even if it doesn't quite feel that way). Also that you're a strong woman so they don't need to worry about you and can always come and talk to you if they ever feel upset about it. What you don't want us the kids feeling they need to take care of you and that they need to protect you from their feelings.

Sorry correction they can choose at 16 not 14 but still…

Might be useful
talking
about child arrangements today

https://www.divorceright.co.uk/events

I would go as far as to apologise to your daughter for lying ...."I just want to apologise for something I said because I wanted to protect you......" Don't wait to be honest until she asks you again.....she may never do that and it will come out in the end.

Yeah I would initiate conversation with daughter. Not wait. Think how hard it was for her to ask you? Think how hard it is for you to initiate conversation.

Seriously don’t let the git spoil your relationship with your daughter. Say he’s made it very difficult for you to want to be with him but you still tried everything you could. In the end but was not what you wanted for your family but the choice was his alone to end it. It’s true.

@Helpmethanks - that’s great. I will check it out. Sounds really useful

@Sittwritt yes, I can see your point. Better for me to be proactive on this

It preps them for divorce. Because he will go in to say mummy is doing the divorce not me, as in diing this to you.

Keep your screenshots to hand because at 20 yo you may need to clear this up.

Don’t badmouth him but don’t allow that to be done to you either. At no point. Business is business. Basically he is a shitty manipulator so be wise to his operations.

I mean we stayed together after affair but kids know that daddy had a girlfriend and asked him why would he do this? I let him squirm.

Bottom line is I was the one being disassociated whilst he was being the fun goofy guy, it all had to come out for us to heal again. So you don’t want to be a moody mum for no reason. You are crying because it’s selfish and hurtful behaviour towards you . He may still be a nice guy but that was selfish behaviour.

I told my kids right in front of him that Daddy has made it very difficult for Mummy to want to be with him. With his actions he does not deserve to have a family. And that whilst Mummy tries to keep things together she may at times feel sad. But we will try one to give Daddy one last chance and that’s that. They all got it. We healed. And are happy again. Should it all go to shit he’s got a lotta face to lose. And then it’s not unexpected.

Perhaps OP doesn't feel strong enough at the moment. She sounds like she is doing a fab job... agree with others 7 months is nothing at all. She's right about F**King up her kids WISE move if you ask me.

Only thing is OP why is he coming to your house during the week? Does he not take the girls Friday to Sunday? What about child maintenance? Don't let him get off lightly he has no need to be coming to your home anymore.

‘Does not deserve a wife’ actually

You're so strong, and doing exactly what needs to be done.

You are protecting your children and putting them first, which is more than your STXH has done.

Keep going.... It's shit now, but you will get through this and come out better for it at the end.

I also agree with getting him to take the children to his house. You need space in your own home from his comings and goings. He made his bed, now he can lie in it.

Of course it is difficult. Be kind to yourself.

Your original marriage/relationship is dead and gone. You need to accept that. Things will never be the same.

You are building a new relationship with your partner. Treat that on it’s own merits and negatives to explore whether it is a strong and lasting thing.

I think you are amazing and strong and trying to do your best. I’m 8 years on but can still remember that feeling of unreality and being overwhelmed by the situation as the decisions to make.

You are making the best decisions you can on the information then available, and you are getting better informed, on here, with a lawyer, daily. It won’t feel like it but you will come out the other side, you will be able to trust again. It will be ok, and one day you will be handing on wise advice about survival. Look after yourself in the meantime and carry on with the counselling, which I for one found supportive and helpful

Just agreeing with everyone else re him not just 'popping round', he made this choice he doesnt get to be a big cake eater and also agree forget amicable. Civil keeps it uncombative but preserves yourself. I have more than one friend who tried amicable and it builds so much resentment in the long run, as well as difficulty fully letting go, I think bevause the anger is never really processed and moved on from. Sounds like you're being very sensible re the divorce though. Good luck x

Hi op- my story is very similar to yours.

Re telling the dc about the affair, we told them together that we were separating, but as it was a massive shock to them (and me for that matter) we said that we weren't making each other happy any more but that we still loved them, etc.

I did say to my ex that if the dc ever asked any more about the whys then I would tell them and he would have to be prepared for that. That hasn't happened yet and we are 5 years down the line (dc are now 15 and 17) but it still might.

I should probably clarify - I certainly haven’t got a new partner and am not in a relationship. Have just been on a few dates (probs 10 in total) with the same man but I’m not sure it’s helping as whilst it’s a good distraction and I enjoy his company, I’m constantly looking for it to fail and expect him to be chatting to other women.

i am about to go and have the chat with exh about boundaries 😬😬

When someone has really fucked you over and they then insist on putting an 'amicable' performance for the kids, it is never actually for the benefit of the kids or the benefit of the injured spouse, it's for the benefit of the person who did the fucking over.

My ex made a big song and dance about how we should be amicable during our separation, and even had the nerve to send me an article on 'conscious uncoupling' (after years of emotional, psychological and financial abuse).

In practice, what he meant when he said that was that he wanted me to swallow my feelings, pretend I was completely fine with what had happened, and act sweetly and compliantly towards him, not say anything that would make him look bad in front of anyone, and make zero demands on him.

Simultaneously he felt perfectly entitled to do whatever he felt would best protect his own interests, would speak to me in a hostile and aggressive way if he wasn't getting exactly what he wanted and did only what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted. If I pointed out this wasn't amicable, he would make out like his hostility was my fault.

If your ex is not paying child support, if he is not proactively pulling his weight as a co-parent, if you are living in fear of him becoming uncooperative about the separation agreement if you don't do what he wants and he is giving you unsolicited and patronising advise about how to 'sort yourself out', then the reality is that your separation is already not an amicable one, and any claims from your ex that he is 'trying to be amicable' is just gaslighting to keep you as compliant as possible.