Can I ask for stories where you actually did stay "until the children are grown up" and then divorced/separated - how did it go? Are your kids ok?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

On here you often see women in bad relationships (not abusive, or not seriously so, but not happy) say they will stay until the children are older/adults. So as to avoid disrupting their childhood, and then separate later. IME, IRL, such women usually end up staying - either because they reached an accommodation with their partner in the meantime they could live with, fear of being alone in old age, financial reasons, or discovered their children didn't magically become immune to family breakdown in their teens/twenties so still felt the obligation to maintain the facade.

So what I want to know is, did anyone actually do it - wait until the kids were older and then leave? How did it work out for you, and for the kids?

Great question op I’m interested in responses as considering this myself

My parents did this but I spent years crying myself to sleep at night expecting them to split up because it was obvious they weren't happy.
It would have been a lot better if they'd just got on with it and separated.
They eventually split up when I was 18.

I haven't done this, but my parents did. It didn't make for a happy upbringing really. I could tell they weren't happy, though my mum liked to think she hid it well. There was no affection or much happiness in our home. My own relationships have never been very happy or successful either.

I think as a young adult I resented my mum for staying in her unhappy marriage with my dad. (Which she did until I'd finished school.) As a much older adult now, I realise she was just muddling through trying to do her best for us at the time.

As for how it worked for my parents - they were both much happier without each other!

I didn't , I divorced my useless ex but my parents did . I had a wonderful childhood it wasn't until I was a late teen that I begun to notice little things that made me realise all was not rosy ( my father was having an affair ) how they hid it for that long I don't know

What's OK?

My parents are still rather resentful that I'm not more grateful for the "gift" of the miserable childhood they chose to bestow "for the sake of the children".

My parents stayed together until my younger brother was around 21 and had finished at Uni. It was clear they didn't get on. My DF was an arsehole and I spent most of my teens visiting my friends houses and not inviting friends back to mine because of the 'atmosphere'. Lots of screaming and shouting at one another. Spent most of my teens expecting them to split imminently. I resented my DF for treating us all so badly - he was clearly saving to leave and did eventually by having an affair with my DM's best friend and leaving us all for good. I resented my DM (and still do a bit) for carrying on with such an awful marriage and not seeing what she was putting us all through. Felt like I had to put on a pretence that we we were a happy family to everyone when in reality we were all miserable a lot of the time and it was shit.

My dm stayed with my df. 42 years of which at least 30 were unhappy.

As one of her children, I've stayed single. I'll never tie myself financially to a man or allow one to share my home in the same way she did. The thought of it horrifies me. She threw her life away.

I'm considering getting back with my ex so interested to hear the responses not all kids would prefer their parents to break up my kids would be over the moon if I got back with their father

My parents are still together but I really wish they broke up when I was a kid or preferably never married at all. Them staying together didn’t benefit me whatsoever.

Hasn't happened to me, but one of my school friend's parents split when she and her DB had both had left uni and started work. She asked 'why now after 26 years?' and they said they hadn't been happy for a long time but stayed together until they were older. The guilt they felt as young adults being responsible for neither parents being happy for so long was so painful to see and it's stayed with them forever.
I also know a lot of people who have said that their parents were unhappy but never did anything about it and made for a pretty miserable home life

My parents did this. At times it was lovely at other times it was hell. The lovely times are appreciated but not worth the bad times. I am grateful for their intent and know they did what they thought was best but I wish they'd divorced long before they finally did.
Them being divorced now makes it much easier to have a good relationship with them both.

Ex’s parents did this. They split up one week after he moved out after graduation, as they had spent ten years only talking through him. He hated it, but worse still, he is an arse as he has no model of a good relationship.

Don’t do it.

Hi Op
I know a childhood friends mother split up from their father when grown up in late twenties,
I was very susprised when it happened, as they seemed as a couple seemed OK , and they were in late 50s, been together for some time,
Since 20 yrs ×

My friend was naturally senistive about idea her parents had split up, I am not sure how her brother felt though,
They seemed OK,
Doing alright for themselves one is working for teenages probation welfare staff organisation,
Another one more creative Arts ect

My friends mother later on moved out had her own place nearby and sadly later down the line, died

My parents split up. I’m so glad they split up. Its better than staying toxic together

My parents stayed together. I think my dad was happy about it, mum quietly endured years of emotional abuse and left him when I was in my late 20s. They hid it very well - they had a whole 'foundations of our relationship' story and everyone was blindsided when they split including DB and I.

On balance I think it was the 'best' thing for us. DB and I had a stable childhood, got good educations and are fairly happily married. My DP's strong narrative about their relationship and us as a family (although it was lies) carried us through.

Obviously the 15 years since they split as an adult have been very hard and finding out our childhood was built on lies has been really distressing, but I guess easier to deal with as adults. My mum, on the other hand, is a total wreck and getting counselling for PTSD, can't sleep, constant ailments which I think reflects a shot nervous system.

Was it the right thing? Maybe for us, definitely not for her. I wouldn't advise my friends to do it because she has had an awful life, but to be completely honest when friends split due to feeling 'unsatisfied' or 'unfulfilled' I find it crazy that they can't swallow their own needs to give their DCs a stable childhood (I know that's not the right thing to say and I wouldn't voice it out loud!).

My parents did this. They were clearly both unhappy and it really didn't role model healthy relationships to us, which has been difficult.

I was the youngest and felt guilty for a long time that they stayed together because of me (although now I'm older I know it was their choice).

Although having them split up when I was younger would have been difficult, it does feel as though we were living a lie as a family for many years, and I definitely think that's negatively affected myself and my siblings

My best friend's parents did this. I think it all depends on how well they hide it and how bad the relationship actually is. She had a lovely childhood and they split when she went to uni. They were like platonic best friends (largely leading separate lives but this wasn't obvious until my friend was an adult looking back) so no shouting or abuse etc.

My exs parents stayed together and my ex witnessed the domestic violence.
Turns out he was abusive to.
Main reason I left was I didn't want my kids thinking that behaviour was OK.
We're a different generation now, its OK to be a single parent, it's hard but it's certainly worth it, in some cases it's actually easier because the other parent has to actually pull their finger out more and parent, and the other one get a break, which I hear on here all to often that one parent does all the legwork and the other one takes the piss/is abusive.

Short term pain for everyone to split up when kids are younger. The implications of staying together for everyone involved isn't great at all.

My parents is this.

honestly I wish they had just divorced earlier. I knew they had an unhappy marriage. I had many many conversations with my brother about how I couldn’t understand why my mother put up with my fathers unreasonable behaviour.

when they did finally separate my mother was in her 60s. I can’t help but think of all the wasted years of unhappiness and wonder why she thought it was worth it?

I’m low contact with my father as he’s an alcoholic and still has some problem behaviours…

I had a school friend whose mum was open with my friend about the fact that she would leave her husband when the kids left home. Friend's mum could not have afforded to have my friend and her brother live with her if she left sooner. I can understand financial constraints, divorce is expensive and life on a single income is difficult.
My friend really appreciated being taken into her mum's confidence. I can't tell you how things turned out long term as we lost touch after school. I do know my friend married young so I guess it didn't make her cynical about relationships.

No personal experience but a friend of mine at uni faced her parents splitting when she was 18 (she was youngest child) and she felt completely rootless and went quite off the rails.
Just leaving home/becoming an adult is a vulnerable time to upend a child's life. I don't think people should hang on unless they think time could heal the relationship.

A psychologist said to me what would you want for your DD? Would you want her to stay in an unhappy marriage? That made me look at this dilemma in a different light as we are role models for our kids. If there's no conflict and your just bored with the relationship it's ok to stay as long as you co-parent well and respect each other but if you're deeply unhappy and know for sure you will split at some point they must be reasons for this and the children will likely sense how you feel. If this is the case you may not be doing them any favours by keeping the status quo it may also be affecting your ability to parent well too as it's hard to do this when you're miserable. Wishing you all the best.

I know you asked for stories, OP, but we also have scientific research on this. Roughly, it says this: yes, adolescents do better with both biological parents in the home BUT if those parents are unhappy and arguing, then the adolescent is more likely to binge drink, smoke, and get unsatisfactory academic grades, on par with someone who doesn’t have both biological parents in the home. So the real question is: can you and your DH really, truly present a happy, unified front for the children? Because otherwise, it’s not just useless to “stay together for the children,” but actively harmful for them. Here’s the research:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090529212600.htm

My parents tried to do this, but it fell apart when I discovered (one of) my dad's affairs when I was 15 and told my mum what I'd found out.

My whole childhood was full of arguments, nasty comments, and a general unpleasant atmosphere. I was always very aware that my parents did not have a normal marriage.

I later found out that my mum had been given evidence of an affair when my brother and I were under 5, I can't remember the exact age now. She convinced herself that it wasn't true and turned a blind eye. I wish so much that they'd have divorced then. My childhood would have been happier and simpler!

I have a similar story, my parents clearly couldn't stand each other, my mum was always bad mouthing my dad both behind his back and in front of us. We were relieved when they split when I was 16, I wish they'd done it years before as there was a lot more harmony afterwards, and they both went on to find new partners and marry again and have happier lives.