Can I ask for stories where you actually did stay "until the children are grown up" and then divorced/separated - how did it go? Are your kids ok?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

On here you often see women in bad relationships (not abusive, or not seriously so, but not happy) say they will stay until the children are older/adults. So as to avoid disrupting their childhood, and then separate later. IME, IRL, such women usually end up staying - either because they reached an accommodation with their partner in the meantime they could live with, fear of being alone in old age, financial reasons, or discovered their children didn't magically become immune to family breakdown in their teens/twenties so still felt the obligation to maintain the facade.

So what I want to know is, did anyone actually do it - wait until the kids were older and then leave? How did it work out for you, and for the kids?

This is trying to mitigate the effects of divorce.
People can either stick it out in the current pattern most likely bi-lateral abuse from both parties.
Divorce, however, that doesn't always lead to happiness.
Work at the marriage and change for the good of the family.

We divorced, however, post-divorce the needs and development of the children come before our own goals, needs, etc.

I did it. I knew I'd married the wrong one and then I got pregnant so I was particularly stupid.

I got rid of him as soon as DC left home. I wish I'd got my child away from him much, much earlier.

OP I didn't stay for the kids so just want to be clear on my position BUT I think staying or leaving doesn't damage kids as much as people think. It's how the parents are during and after the divorce that impact on them (or not!) This is what I focused on - keeping as calm and balanced as I could - when dealing with an arse of an ex is incredibly difficult. Mine threatened suicide and I did what others suggested - I contacted his close friends (not all of them or anything) and made them aware so they could reach out to him to offer support, another time I sent him the Samaritans number. I stopped reacting, I stopped engaging with him. My narrative with him stayed the same - I was done, I was going to divorce him and we needed to focus on what was best for co-parenting our children. It sunk in eventually. I promise you can get through this. And your children will as well - both of mine are now amazing young teens who are both doing great and being from a 'broken' home is not something that holds them back. And my ex, he settled into the new routine as well.

My mum and dad stayed together for the children and for the house ect.

It wasnt good. We had a nice time, most of the time

But we also saw them argue like cat and dog, slag each other off to us children, we knew they didnt like or love each other

Out of all of us siblings

My eldest has been married for the past 15 years and is unhappy. But stays because of the amount of time theg has put into the relationship. Doesnt want to "waste" those 15 years

My other sibling went from relationship to relationship looking for stability. They have been married for a few years now but have repeated the same patterns our parents did.

Another sibling is never single, goes from relationship to relationship with abusive partner after abusive partner.

I've been single for nearly 4 years, was in an abusive relationship for many many years and I will never ever let my children witness that again

I think its fucked up. Staying together when your unhappy, all it does is teach your children the wrong sort of love. Is it even love? Then it trickles down to your grandchildren and you've created cycle after cycle of unhappy people. People think their being kind and thinking of others, their not and their ruining people

My friends parents stayed together till their youngest was at Uni. I used to go round her house a lot and it was a horrible atmosphere. Three siblings, a few years between each, and I’m fairly convinced that the horrible household left her youngest sister with some lasting trauma. Now her parents are with new partners and, for the first time, they’re happy.
Yes, the family home had to be sold when they split, but was all that misery really worth it so that their kids could grow up in one house?

My exh was simply absent - a workaholic who spent all his time working or recovering from overtime, and was not very interested in family life. He'd do some things with the kids but I spent a lot of time alone with them. The kids and I would walk along the pavement chatting and he'd be a couple of steps behind staring at his phone.
I thought I'd stay til the kids were older, but he beat me to it: was seeing women behind our back and eventually started a "serious affair" that made him even colder, more distant and less considerate. The kids were 14/16 by then and (I discovered later) worked out what he was up to and were looking at his phone for evidence. Not ideal.
If we'd split up before then I think it could have been less stressful for them. But I didn't think it was necessary; I didn't know what was going on in his head and always thought he might improve later, e.g. if he got the job he was working for or when he retired.

But you don't KNOW this. You imagine you would have had a better life but actually you might be wrong. Perhaps it would've been much worse...

I'm 57. My parents stayed together until I was 18, mu younger brother was 13 and my older one was 20.
Quite frankly I wish they hadn't bothered.
There was no semblance of family life after I was about 11. My father lived in the front room. The rest of us occupied the back room/kitchen.
I can't remember the last time I heard them speak.
It was miserable. Knowing what I know I would say I was clinically depressed. I spent my time studying to get good qualifications so I could leave home.I had a Saturday job and babysat for neighbours so I could be out of the house as much as possible at the weekend. My older brother decamped to girlfriends houses, younger brother had lots of 'interesting' behaviours.
It affected us all deeply in different ways and didn't do much for my parents either.
They never should have had the third child, should have split when I was 6, which is the first time I saw my father walk out of the house with a suitcase.
Anyone who thinks the kids don't know is fooling themselves.
Believe me, they know.

Thanks so much to everyone for their contributions. I really appreciate it. Lots of fod for thought.

The one that bugs me is 'you're not modelling a healthy relationship' though - if I broke up with my DP, I would NO WAY be having a relationship with a man ever again... So even if we separated, there is no guarantee of them getting a healthy relationship modelled to them - they might, conceivably, get to see a single woman being happier, but that would be it. So the idea that by staying I am depriving them of a healthy model they could otherwise have is stupid really.

I think the point is that it's better to model something authentic. So that they learn what a healthy relationship is OR they learn what a happy single person is. The problem, psychologically speaking, is when they have two parents who present a "happily married" picture but the behaviours inside the marriage are not aligned with that. They learn an incorrect version of "this is what a happy marriage is", so that in future if they are with someone who shouts at them or belittles them or treats them badly in some way, they don't think to themselves "this is not a good relationship - I'd better end it", they think "well, this is what all relationships are like".

I do wish people would frame it as 'modelling self-respect' or 'modelling healthy boundaries" or "alowing for authenticity" or something instead then, as the idea that I am a bad parent if I don't "model a healthy relationship" makes me feel quite hopeless as I can't just summon up a god, loving relationship out of thin air.

You could argue that a healthy relationship is one where you separate if it's toxic.
But I always understand "you're not modelling a healthy relationship" to mean "you're modelling an unhealthy relationship".

I agree with this. My Mother would swear blind that staying the the kids was the 'best thing she could do for us' in her mind they were civil, respected each other and we were kept blithely unaware of the issues. They never argued in front of us and always presented a 'happy' united front.

The fact of the matter was - they had never really been actually civil because as hard as they tried there was always a slight undercurrent of resentment or martyrdom. This was expressed in body language, micro aggressions and small sharp slights. Atmosphere is a thing, its an insidious creeping thing. You know when people are not getting along and it makes you hyper aware of the deep running currents and the balance of emotion at any given time in a house. You walk on eggshells and you know that the very slight strained smile or the little but brittle cheery greeting hides real upset or anger.

Its a lie, and your kids will most likely know its a lie.

I was married for 23 years but the last 7 or so years I always knew that I would leave when my youngest was 18. There was no abuse in any way, my husband was a good man, well a great provider, I just wasn't in love with him anymore and I wanted to find "love". He was very selfish with his time when he wasn't working and hardly ever interacted with our two kids, we had nothing in common.
As soon as our youngest was 18 I announced that I wanted to split up, he was quite shocked but understood. I moved into a flat, met someone else and have been very happy for the last 18 years to someone who I have a lot in common with and I'm in love with him and him with me!
My kids were brilliant and have a very close relationship with both of us, they kind of knew it would happen.
I do still "love" my ex husband as the father of my kids and would never want anything different, I'm just not 'in' love with him. I get along great with him now as does my 2nd husband! It worked out for the best all round! My kids get along brilliant with my husband and vice versa.

This is the 2nd post in a week on this subject and its very clear that the answer is no. Do not stay together for the children. It makes them miserable. I talk from experience.

But i also speak from experience and my parents' divorce also made me miserable. Just differently miserable. So it really, really isn't clear cut, no matter how much some posters want it to be.

I think the research posted by a PP is really interesting as it shows the nuance.

Although I'd like to see the other thread and its responses if you can point me to it @Wannabegreenfingers

I've not read the full thread but my friends parents did this. It was awful. They grew up in a household where their parents barely tolerated each other. It was very unhealthy and as they got older the girls all went out with any man who gave them the slightest bit of attention as they had no idea what a normal relationship was (my friend says this herself). Then the split was acrimonious . It would have been much easier if they'd split years earlier .

I wouldn’t judge a parent for “choosing” the wrong partner to have children with, many people couldn’t know that their relationship would become untenable. I would however, judge a parent who stayed with that same partner in an unhappy relationship at the expense of their children’s overall wellbeing

My parents did this and I am not OK. It totally screwed up my idea of what is a normal relationship and it is only at this age after therapy that I am happy in one

My mother deeply regrets it too.

I don't think I regret staying really, given the set of circumstances at the time (this was late 70s) although I take on board that the situation wasn't ideal for my children. Ex, despite being a grade a berk wasn't unkind to the children and we muddled through for quite a long time with no arguments as such. I just quietly seethed and waited...

@ThirdCultureKid Exactly how my parents operated. My father was virtually the invisible man after my older brother turned 10 - even when he was there he took zero interest in us. My mother deeply resented being the one who had to stay with us full-time and made sure we all knew it. However her farce of a marriage meant more to her than her 3 children and she willingly sacrificed our chances of a happy childhood for it.

I would however, judge a parent who stayed with that same partner in an unhappy relationship at the expense of their children’s overall wellbeing.

As would any sane person @DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84