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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you give them the letter?

43 replies

autumn1610 · 04/04/2023 15:19

I have previously posted about my partner out the blue not wanting to be with me anymore after 10 years. As part of me trying to get through it all and my therapy I have been journalling and I wrote a letter to him on Saturday just getting everything in my head down on paper which I found quite therapeutic. But do I say I’ve written one and if I do, so I say you can read it if you want. It’s not begging to come back but just reflecting on everything I suppose. What would you do? Keep it to yourself or say you have done one and they can read it if they want?

OP posts:
AFloridian · 04/04/2023 15:31

I would keep it to myself tbh.
Getting things down on paper is quite cathartic, giving it to someone to read(or inviting them to do so) just adds the possibility of them disagreeing, you justifying yourself and feeling more upset, and then wanting to say more.

Whatisthisanyidea · 04/04/2023 15:32

Why do you feel he needs to read it? It’s yours to reflect on, not his to pick apart.

pinkySilver · 04/04/2023 15:36

And if he'd done the same, how do you think you'd react? "Oh yes, spot on" or "No but you.... But I...."?
There's no way your side of the story will be the way he sees it so all it would achieve would be to reignite the disagreements. You've been helped by your letter. Keep it that way. And I guarantee if you read it in twenty years time you'll see things differently again. There is no absolute truth.

Original poster
autumn1610 · 04/04/2023 15:43

And if he'd done the same, how do you think you'd react? "Oh yes, spot on" or "No but you.... But I...."?

i wish he would because at the moment he is giving me no solid reason so it might actually explain how he actually feels. But I get your point and the point of others who have posted. I’m not sure what I would get from it i suppose, i just was unsure if to say I’ve done this and you can read how I’m feeling, I suppose I’m struggling to express myself verbally atm as I just cry and thought it might explain how I’m feeling. I shall sit on it and keep it for me.

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 04/04/2023 15:45

I wrote one and sent it. Regretted it ever since.. Don't do it op.

G58 · 04/04/2023 15:48

These sorts of letters are for you and not them. You write it, letting everything out and then burn it and let it (and him) go.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 15:49

There are no rules. You have to decide what you want. This is about you taking responsibility for your feelings and deciding for you what will be best for you. It's not about you obeying someone else's rules, guidance, advice etc. It's not important what MN feels or thinks about this.

Why did you write the letter? What did you hope to gain from it?

VanillaSox · 04/04/2023 15:54

Please don't send it.
Give it to your best (female) friend.
I am also grieving badly over a relationship that appears to have ended.
I send voice messages to a dear friend with everything that (I expect) you have written in your letter.
I want to tell him how much this hurts and ask for an explanation but really nothing good will come of that.
At some point he will come-a-calling again and then I will just calmly ask him to talk. And I will listen. It is killing me. But really NO POINT in contacting him.

Sairk · 04/04/2023 15:55

Nope. Don't give your power away.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 15:59

Burn it.

That is what you are supposed to do.

EllandRd · 04/04/2023 16:02

Of course you do not give him it, you need to move on.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:06

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 15:59

Burn it.

That is what you are supposed to do.

According to the rules of... Pixidust1234? Or some other rule?

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 16:07

autumn1610 · 04/04/2023 15:43

And if he'd done the same, how do you think you'd react? "Oh yes, spot on" or "No but you.... But I...."?

i wish he would because at the moment he is giving me no solid reason so it might actually explain how he actually feels. But I get your point and the point of others who have posted. I’m not sure what I would get from it i suppose, i just was unsure if to say I’ve done this and you can read how I’m feeling, I suppose I’m struggling to express myself verbally atm as I just cry and thought it might explain how I’m feeling. I shall sit on it and keep it for me.

Good plan.

You need to be focusing entirely on yourself, & your own feelings & reactions, not his. All that will happen if you hand him this letter is that you will be even more vulnerable to his disagreement & rejection.

Horrible as it is - he doesn't need to understand your feelings about the relationship ending, & you don't need to understand why he feels how he does. What you DO need to do is accept it.
Sadly, the only way to find that acceptance is to sit with the sorrow & disappointment & wait it out, while time does its healing.

The letter - while valuable for you as an exercise - would be akin to asking him to keep peeling a scab off your knee so it never got a chance to heal.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now, but the fastest way past it is through it. Allow yourself time to grieve, but be kind to yourself: make plans for your leisure time, no matter how simple, so that you have small treats to look forward to. Learn to enjoy your own company again, rebuild your resilience by relying on yourself to take care of YOU. Flowers

G58 · 04/04/2023 16:11

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:06

According to the rules of... Pixidust1234? Or some other rule?

Show quote history

Lots of these letters and the advice that is given when writing them says that you write everything on paper and then you burn it and let it go. Just do a Google for "burning letters" and you'll see.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 16:16

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:06

According to the rules of... Pixidust1234? Or some other rule?

Show quote history

What do you suggest then? And can you back it up like you are asking me to? Or do you just want to nitpick?

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 16:34

At least keep the original. Read it again in a years time; in 2 years, 5 years.

You'll see how far you've come.

In a years time, think again if you still want or need him to read it. By then, you'll be moving on; no longer breathing his oxygen. You'll no longer feel any need to explain yourself to him.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:37

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 16:16

What do you suggest then? And can you back it up like you are asking me to? Or do you just want to nitpick?

Show quote history

RTFT.

My suggestion is backed up by what OP feels is good for her, not based on external (unspecified) rules. It's not nitpicking to query someone who issues unfounded imperatives telling other people what they are 'supposed to do'.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:38

G58 · 04/04/2023 16:11

Lots of these letters and the advice that is given when writing them says that you write everything on paper and then you burn it and let it go. Just do a Google for "burning letters" and you'll see.

Show quote history

I'm aware of the concept, but thanks for recommending Google. I never would have though of that...

Sunnygirl07 · 04/04/2023 16:41

I would definitely give it to him because I am open, honest & straight person.

I always communicate my thoughts & feelings with everyone around me in an open way.

But I understand everyone is different.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 16:42

You are being very aggressive over a thread that isn't even yours. OP asked for opinions, which we all gave. Neither you or the OP has to like them 🙄

Sunnygirl07 · 04/04/2023 16:43

This would be MY way to deal with it and my closure I needed. For he MUST know MY truth!

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:46

Pixiedust1234 · 04/04/2023 16:42

You are being very aggressive over a thread that isn't even yours. OP asked for opinions, which we all gave. Neither you or the OP has to like them 🙄

Was this meant for me? I haven't been aggressive in the slightest, but if that's how you choose to read it, then yes, as you say, we are all entitled to think whatever we want, nobody really cares.

OP, my point is, don't listen to people telling you what you 'should' do. This is your decision, based on your feelings about your situation. Nobody knows you or your situation better than you do; what do you think would be sensible for you to do? What do you think will feel best for you? Base your decision on those things, not what random people tell you you're 'supposed to do', based on nothing but their opinion.

BellePeppa · 04/04/2023 17:00

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:46

Was this meant for me? I haven't been aggressive in the slightest, but if that's how you choose to read it, then yes, as you say, we are all entitled to think whatever we want, nobody really cares.

OP, my point is, don't listen to people telling you what you 'should' do. This is your decision, based on your feelings about your situation. Nobody knows you or your situation better than you do; what do you think would be sensible for you to do? What do you think will feel best for you? Base your decision on those things, not what random people tell you you're 'supposed to do', based on nothing but their opinion.

Show quote history

Well OP did ask so it’s only natural there’s going to be replies suggesting OP do this or do that.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 17:04

Yes, @BellePeppa , and the only good advice is to follow what she feels, rather than do what someone else says they think she should do. Lots of advice is being given, but that doesn't mean lots of good advice is being given, and we're all entitled to post whatever we want, including criticisms of others' advice.

We don't have to agree. I'm posting for OP, not to have a barney with a bunch of strangers who think they know what's best for her, because they've decided they know better.

MyriadOfTravels · 04/04/2023 17:17

No dont send it!!

This letter for you and you only.
Nothing is going to suddenly get better, you’re not going to get closure or understand why better. You’re just going to give him a munitions to attack you when and if they feel like it.

What is really hard is the lack of closure, probably even worse if he doesn’t want to talk.
i recently read that wanting closure is basically grief and it resonated with me. And just like any grief, knowing why (or thinking you know why) won’t lessen the grief.