Do you give them the letter?

[autumn1610]

I have previously posted about my partner out the blue not wanting to be with me anymore after 10 years. As part of me trying to get through it all and my therapy I have been journalling and I wrote a letter to him on Saturday just getting everything in my head down on paper which I found quite therapeutic. But do I say I’ve written one and if I do, so I say you can read it if you want. It’s not begging to come back but just reflecting on everything I suppose. What would you do? Keep it to yourself or say you have done one and they can read it if they want?

I did this, I sent the letter to my now ex husband and he didn’t acknowledge it.
Don’t make the same mistake I did

If you don't mind him showing it to his mates down the pub and having a good laugh. Then send it to him.

Christ is not that cringey 😂

He finished with you ‘out of the blue’ - for you - after 10 years.

He has likely been ruminating for a longer time. He had emotionally (and maybe physically) moved on before he told you and has moved on again since.

If he chose not to tell you why - or if he did but that wasn’t sufficient for you - he is unlikely at this stage to open up that can of worms again solely for your benefit.

I am glad you are making some meaning with your journaling but I would suggest there is so much balanced on high risk of hurt and low chance of benefit for you in sending this.

Is he with someone else?

He may share or weaponise this material to humiliate or hurt you.

I did this after my ex had cheated on me & didn't have the balls to tell me anything. I wrote it as there was no way I could have written it in a text or said it all in a phone call. I wanted to have my say. I sent it & it gave me closure. Never heard from him but it wasn't about that for me, it was him hearing it from me though he could have torn it up for all I know

No not as far as I’m aware he has promised me there is no one else. It’s very early days about 4 weeks since he told me, and obviously I’m really struggling. Still in the same house as trying to navigate the whole shit show that this is, as he had no plan in place clearly before telling me

Wow that must be excruciating for you to still be living together.

Is the property rented or owned by one of you or both of you?

Has the relationship had issues before - or were you moving on to another chapter eg potentially having children?

What has he told you is the reason?

Would you want to read his response to it?

No please don't send it. You will be going backwards in your healing journey otherwise. It could open a massive can of worms and put you back at square one. Journaling is great but it's something for you and not others

I have in the past to be honest when all contact had been cut
Can't say I've regretted it
But your circumstances are different here. You're still in the same house
I also think you will come to learn that there is someone else and that Will completely change your perspective on things and make anything you write now null and void

This is an example of two peoples rights conflicting. One person wants to express their feelings. That’s a right of free speech. But that freedom has limits.

The other person has a right to their privacy and peace of mind. They have a right to limit and stop people intruding into their life without an invite and with the intention to disrupt their peace of mind.

The relationship is over and with that all the privileges and influence the people in it permitted. We all have the right to end a relationship and to take away those privileges. That includes the privilege that the other person had to initiate conversations about feelings.

If your ex doesn’t want that don’t force it on them by an unsolicited letter. You can ask for an opportunity to talk but you must accept it if they say no.

I would keep it too yourself. I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still using up time and energy on him. Move forward with your life keep the note but don't send it. Don't contact him he dumped you fuck him !

It’s not the best but managing to avoid each other most of the week. Own the property but I’ve said I’m not ready to sell and he can sort himself out, I’m not the one who put us in the situation and housing market is not great atm where we are so not buying something I don’t like because I have to.

No issues before this not that have been verbalised went from being totally normal with each other, he was a bit off the week before he said anything but has been doing something that has been stressful the last month or two so put it down to that. That’s why I’m so shocked, everyone who knows is shocked. We had talked about kids I’m 35 but it has never been I 100% want them or him either. Just came out with he didn’t think he loved me anymore, felt more like housemates etc. however it was me who got him to say it in the end, he came up with nothing really

Why would you even ask him if he wants to read it. He won't. He need the relationship he doesn't want to be with you. I hardly think he will care enough to read your heartfelt notes. You are in serious danger of making yourself look pathetic and I don't mean that in a horrible way. Please don't send it. This man doesn't want to be with you he wants to move on there is no need to harp on about your feelings that's what your friends are there for not him. Move on and cut contacts.

4weeks is plenty to find somewhere else to stay.
What are his plans exactly and when is he planning to move out if YOUR house??

i wish he would because at the moment he is giving me no solid reason so it might actually explain how he actually feels.

You will go back and forth through the stages of grief - shock, denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance.

It’s been a long relationship so it will take time for you to process and come to terms with this loss. It seems that you are understandably in the shock, denial and bargaining phase as he has told you why but you are unable to hear it or accept it right now.

No one needs to deliver a ‘solid reason’ as defined by someone else. It seems it has run its course for him and it’s not satisfying enough for him:

“Just came out with he didn’t think he loved me anymore, felt more like housemates etc. however it was me who got him to say it in the end, he came up with nothing really”

“Housemates” suggests maybe sex-life is incompatible.

From reading these boards over the years I would suggest there is someone in the shadows - maybe not an affair yet but a connection.

The end point of the grief cycle is ‘acceptance’ - it’s a painful process. I doubt whatever he said to you you would find as a acceptable reason for his choice.

I think it’s important that he moves out and you sell the property up ASAP. It’s not your call to sit on it until the market improves (if ever) - he can force a court order on that and you would be unreasonable and controlling to force this situation IMHO.

Sorry for off topic wisdom but what is the 'bargaining' phase of the process?

@VanillaSox

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-bargaining-stage-of-grief-characteristics-and-coping-5272529

What Is Bargaining During Grief?

Bargaining is one of the stages of grief, or one of the experiences you may have if you’re grieving a loss. In this stage, you may find yourself negotiating with yourself, with people around you, with fate, or with a higher power to try and mitigate or undo your loss

Bargaining is a defense against the feelings of helplessness experienced after a loss. It happens when people struggle to accept the reality of the loss and the limits of their control over the situation.